The Highest Order Of All Complications In Life: March 2005

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Bling Bling, Bvlgari and .. erm, the lesson?

The topic says it all.

We collected the ring with the bling bling on it. GIA certified. Man, I see green eyes all around me, probably somewhere in July.

Three months down the road and I am somebody's Fiance`. It's pretty unbelievable. Well, I will have to believe it. Or learn to at least.

I was pretty shy walking in Habib Jewels yesterday. I am not the jewellery sorta person. I wear only my watch and I will be happy for the rest of the day.

And unplanned, I got a wee bit carried away with pres' gift for the engagement so I got him the new perfume set from Bvlgari called Aqva. Cost me a bomb for it. But anything for my baby.

Sometimes, sacrifices comes with a reward. The smile on his face, puts one on mine as well. The scent of fresh citrus-like perfume smell of his skin turns my tummy as if there was a band banging in my belly. Naf said.

I'm preparing myself to get hitch, somehow, the fear is gone. I put my life in his heart, as he has for me. This man proved me his self-worthiness. Not once has he made me cry by his words or actions. Oh, there was once when he agreed to break up to me. Just that once, but we made up afterwards, so that almost dont count, ait?

Stable. Secured. Safe.

The three "S"ess I feel with him.

P/S: Sometimes it aint about who you love. It's about who loves you and know how to treat you with care, love and respect. Above all. RESPECT. As a woman. As his woman. It is okay if you dont love him (of course you have to fancy the pants off him - lust). You can always learn to love him. That is the women's gift. To be able to learn to love.

Sub-P/S: It does make me think though, about mb. I certainly loved him. Maybe I still do, but will I feel happy or rather, as stable as I am with Pres if I ended up with mb? I already know the answer for that one.

(refer to note - P/S: as above)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Milking For Cheese

It is probably my time to make the biggest cut, or at least the stepping stone in my life.

I pray that things will go well. I am indeed working fairly hard for this. And the suspence is just sooo critical, it can kill. Me.

It all depends on luck, and who you know, and the other person you know who can do the job for you. Bring this two together and the cut is yours.

Life...

Man, I am anticipating for my piece of cheese. That taste of luxury. That smell of cash.

I am after it.

I am still waiting, for the answers to my desire, our desire,

Pres and I...

-Boney and Clyde-

Saturday, March 26, 2005

The Monthly Affair

I havent been in my best moods lately.

It's that time of the month again and besides, I feel not too much of myself. I was a bit ill I guess.

What excites me, though I feel kinda mellow, where my zest for fun is not there... is the fact that today is a FRIDAY! No matter what comes, it is a Friday and we all can enjoy our jolly good weekend after 6 at least (for some of us) ait? Wow!

Hrm... also, tomorrow I will have a 'big' day, again, I will go back to 3 years back....

My days in Birmingham... as tomorrow there will be a Birm gathering and I can show my new self. The futurama Nadia (and it even rhymes!)...

Let's see, back in Birm, I was a girl of not many fans. I was a fat girl to begin with and had loadsa zits... the pimple face teenager. And I had the attitude remember. Everyone sorta hated me and in my mind, the whole world was against me. I was indeed the highest degree of all complications in life. I want to be loved but I wanted to be loved by someone who earned it.

And only my friends understood that. The girls...

The guys called me names. "Awek ganas" was the popular one. Some thought I was messy, lazy and scary. Yea, most of all scary.

The truth is, it hurts god damnit! I may seem like I didnt care out of my ego which is as bid as the Earth itself, but it hurts and I'd cry...

So, tomorrow at 3, or just about, I am gonna show up and meet some of these ppl who thought so of me. Trust me, I met some of them in a brief (like at a wedding where we cant really talk) and they came up with comments like... "wah, nadia dah slim... wah, nadia dah lawa, wah nadia, dah ader boifren... yada yada..."

Eh, nadia dah nak bertunang tau!

I always wondered and would actually ask my best mate and house mate, Sherrie... the common question of "why they treat me that way?" Why why whys? "why the guys hated me, without knowing me?" And she would tell me, it's because they cant accept the fact that I am a "say it in your face" girl. And that I am intimidating, and speak english.

Speak english? How lame is that. Here we are, all studying in the UK and it is wrong to speak english? It's kononnyer that we are malay, so we should speak malay. Well, I am half indian! So, eat that! I speak english at home, it is my mother tounge. The truth is, I couldnt even speak malay until I went to standard 1. It did pissed nenek off though, she'd complain to my mom about it then when I was younger.

I decided many years later, that it was true what sherrie said. They are shallow, the malay guys in the UK. And I in fact Pres is just a guy by the street, a really smart guy on the street. And he saw me beyond the depths of my skin. And here I am, loved by him who earned it.

I am going back to them tomorrow to show the girl they did not see, then. And yea, hope I wont spoil it though. Because I am pretty defensive.

Funny, but I am kinda looking forward to tomorrow..

Thursday, March 24, 2005

The worm

A puntured tyre.

That was how I started my day. Fantastic innit?

Pres managed to fix it, thank you. After the usual an hour of jam struck, I reached the office. Late... because I had a teleconference with the guys from Canada.

Just as I thought, there goes my day, I walked into the office, straight into my boss' room to join the three-some of teleconferencing with the guys from Canada. Not so bad... I thought.

In fact I pulled it off well. We managed to get the 5% discount onto the price of chemical we were getting from them. I felt quite proud of myself, to tell you the truth. Because, the Canadians, liked me in some way or another. More than they like my boss, which was pretty flaterring. Very, to be exact.

Smiles...

Then, I had lunch with Pres after some work.

Just as I thought my day was getting on well. In the evening, I had a fight with Pres. It hurts... here at the core of my heart. To tell you the truth. It hurts sooo bad when you love someone badly.

And I think of the time I was single and happy and alone. Ignore the alone bit, because I had friends and my very self to rely on.

I was happy and single and available. The fight isnt settled yet. I do wish to go back to that time when I was single.

Why do I have to go through today this way. Muther&^%$ing contradictions!

And only annoys me. And makes me smoke more than a whole tonne that I usually do. Damn, it hurts... so bad!

It's 6. I wanna go home. And shower and cry in the shower and eat and then sleep.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Assthorities and BC

Give way for the car with registration plate "THE PRESIDENT" cut queue and beat the lined traffics.

HELL NO, you queue behind my Aljay with its sticker "I'M DRIVING LIKE THIS TO PISS YOU OFF" stuck rite at the bumper of my ride.

Exactly what I did today. I did not give way to the car and of course, me, and my Aljay, being a nobody got shouted at by the police this morn. What a fantastic way of starting the morn!

The truth is, I thought it was just the fat-ass policeman and his bike so I let him pass me. However, I did not think he was escorting some big hot shot bastard down, so he can beat the traffic. Here I am, stuck in the jam for the past 30 minutes or so, and here comes some bastard and his police escort, doin it in less than 5 minutes!

Pretty unfair isnt it?! Lets see, if I, one day, with God's willing become one of these bastards, will I get my own police escort down to Jalan Tun Razak at 8.30am, at the core of the traffic jam and piss everyone else who were lining up for the past 30 mins....

Answer would, proudly be NO! I'd be flying to the places I would like to get.

Pres once told me, "you gonna do something hunney, gotta do it in style."

Style it is then hunney... style it is... :)

However, I was still in a good mood, eventhough I was shouted at by the fat ass police... because... I saw something which was my pride and joy during my childhood days.

Something I was pretty much proud off about daddy. I lived in a small town called Kajang. Everyone knew Mr. Deva and Pn. Rosini (my parents) because everyone sent their kids to the kindergarten my parents were having.

And daddy one day got us a new car. He sold the Daihatsu and traded it in for a 190E. Man, that was pretty cool then. BCY 8020 it was named. Aljay got the his number from the daddy's mercedes. And that is why Aljay is called WLJ 8020. Just like daddy's car. Plus the number 8 and 2 is believed to bring us "ONG" (luck) by my parents. Except that one year when the Storm with number 2080 got stollen.

Point is, I met BCY 8020 today. This very morning, while I was stucked in the jam. I was smiling to myself. He looks pretty old now. And out of trend, unlike the old days when daddy would spend his Sundays pampering him. We used to joke that BCY 8020 was daddy's second wife then. Suddenly a lot of the past memories with BC came in. He did us good, served the family well and he was such a cool ride then! Man, I was the happiest 9 year old kid whilst riding him with the sun roof off especially. Down Cameron Highlands we'd scream our heads off while standing, popping our heads out.

What a show off we bunch of kids were. It's so good to meet him again

I know that was the last Mercedes daddy owned. And I know he crave to own one again. I know how proud he felt at that time.

I do hope I make it out there, so I can buy daddy one of the latest. If I had all the money in the world, I would get him one which has been done up by Brabus even.

If money buys my dad his joy, so be it. Money it is then.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Weekend

This is what I have got lined up for me for the weekend... nothing much, dry on the KECHING!! Ujung bulan mar...

Tonite:
9.00pm - Meet Sherrie, my best mate
Later - Watch ROBOTs on the VCD haram I bought for RM5, yea, idup cetak rompax!

Tommorow:
Afternoon - My day starts after 12pm (that is when I wake up)
Evening - Maybe hang out with Pres, or just chill at home watching Lemony Snicket's

Sunday:
Afternoon - Again my day starts at 12pm
Evening - Whine about how tomorrow is a Monday...

See, the weekend happens so fast, it's faster than a God Damn sunset.

Anyway, Happy Weekend ya'll!

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Lady Of The Ring

First I should slap myself silly, why? Because I was worried (in a really bad sorta way) when Pres was busy, too busy even to say "hello" or a nice sms saying "i love you"...

Then, yesterday I found out... he was making the mohoney, so he could get me something we planned for a very long time...

In the afternoon, I met him after not having to see him for a DAY. A day of not seeing each other is unusual for us "belangkas".

It was then, that I found out what he was up to. He got me A ROCK!! Yes guys! A ring with a rock, a 0.3 ct GIA certified diamond from Habib Jewels! Can you believe that boy?!

The ring is yet to be produced, he got it tailored for me... so my guess, it'll be ready in 2 weeks time. And to think about it, we will only be engaged in July. Damn, I wanna MARRY that boy! He wont be reading this, so I will make it a weee bit harder than he think it would be when he pop me that question. Ehehehhehe...

I aint evil, it's just that you cant let a guy go off, without some challenge now, can you? Gals, I bet you know what I mean...

Still jolly... jolly... me!

I'm thinking, that I might just be on the right HIGHWAY this time... *smiles*

Friday, March 18, 2005

Save tonite

I havent got any thing particular to say in this morning of a given Thursday, just that I was quite happy driving to work today. Hitz fm. played Eagle Eye Cherry's Save Tonight.

And somehow the song got me up and going. Not like the usual slow sad song, this one's fast however, if you listen to the lyrics carefully, you will understand that they are celebrating the last nite they have before he has to leave. Especiall the bit:

"Tommorow comes to take me away, I wish that I, that I could stay"

Damn, that's sad... especially with the his mellow voice, that did the trick.

Guys, I dont have a conclusion for this postie. So I aint gonna write one, just that Pres moving to Selayang is really bugging me.

I need to chill a bit here. Yea... it's not like I am leaving on a jet plane to some place called Birmingham like I did 5 years ago. I'm just traumatised by it you see. It was a pretty messy break-up, for me at least, because I wasnt the one two timing.

Oh well... I should just slap myself out of it!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Doing it the conventional way

Dear diary,

I am sitting here waiting for my boss to come back from lunch for one bloody miserable signature from him so that I will be on my way for a tender submission. That is the difference between us and them. Them, I do hope to be someday.

I am also feeling extremely tired today, more than the usual. And the fact that I am going to be driving home today alone, aint helping.

The song six feet from the egde is playing in the background. And somehow, I do feel the song applies.

I thought very hard about the choices God put me to scavenge on to live on my routined, very routined life. Maybe the choice I make will make a difference. Maybe if I made the right one, I would be a different person by the end of this year. I still havent come to my conclusion or the ultimato.

I am also very worried about Pres moving to Selayang by the end of this month. Maybe it is made that way for a reason. Yea, so that we can waste money on phone bills and fuel. I blame it all on Tengku Pu**y Petra for making him work at Selayang. Already the job has taken away our time together, and now you are literally taking him away. He says we'll be near at heart. Now, I swear I heard that from my ex-bf if I remember clearly.

I watched America Top Model last nite, and I have a particular model that I am interested in, as in I think she will win. Just a feeling. I think it will be Eva. She's so cute, and LOUD (like me) and bubbly (like me as well) and she runs around the house with her underwear (NOT like me at all). I think she's cute, hence deserves tha award to be a model, for all of us. She's normal, for once.

And not so much that I have to say diary, just that something is really beginning to bug me:

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BOSS?!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The invisible ones

Today is a plain day, nothing much lined up for me yet. Only plain work, some correspondance to ExxonMobil. Sounds big? Well, not too much when you are sitting here at my desk.

Sometimes, I do feel invisible. But I do wish that I was, truly invisible. Like the Halimunan. Cool innit?

Maybe it is the Misteri Nusantara I watched yesterday on orang Bunian. I learnt to accept the fact that somewhere along my family, my mom's side, she being a Bugis, well, the family had something to do with the Bunians.

Sounds scary, but face it. I never came clean about this, but I think I am learning to accept it. I have had my experience with them warriors from the past, which was the reason of my visit to the witch doctor.

Nobody believes in this sorta thingy today.

But it's out there, I learnt one thing, even if you dont want to accept their presence. Never, never under any circumstance say proudly about it. You are challenging it.

And they might just pop up your window tonite to say:

"HI, now do u believe?"

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

When you have 3 baskets filled with Golden Eggs... now choose sucker!

One of the many lil things daddie taught me as a child was not to have all your eggs in one basket.

Reason behind it, was that if you drop one of them baskets, you still have the others to get on with. That explains his success in life, which I myself look up to. To me at that time, daddie was the greatest man alive and someday I would marry someone like daddie himself.

When daddie was doing his insurance sales, he had tendered for the Kajang hospital canteen, and had a video rental centre. He worked almost 12 hours a day. When the tender with the hospital came to an end, he still had his insurance sales thingy going on, video was outdated and planned on the kindergarten.

Then when he found out that the insurance company was turning their backs on my dad, he gave up feeling betrayed, but he then had the kindergarten. Daddie could never just sit and be happy with one thing, he then opened a cybercafe, mamak stall and parking facilities all at once in one premise. When the cc got robbed, dad still had the parking and mamak shop to feed us.

Now that he has given up all his business to rest at home, he has income from the houses he manage to buy while he was working. In conclusion, daddie is still the greatest man alive to me. And, boy I wouldnt be standing at where I am today if I never learnt anything from him.

Why the subject for today?

The thing is I have 3 baskets, ie. 3 good opportunities, all equally promising. All would make me a somebody in the future. Only problem is, I can have only one. Two of which I am working hard for. One, is not obtained off my efforts (which most probably be the one I would decline). So I am left with two now ait?

Somehow I was aware I was going to come to this stage, where I have to choose and make the most important decision of my life. However, I am not 'REALLY' there yet, where I have to give an ultimate answer.

However, I see the horizon to the 2 bridges that only one I will cross.

Sitting... thinking of this makes me nuts. Then, I remember....

The SECOND lesson taught by daddie:
"WE WILL CROSS THE BRIDGE WHEN WE GET THERE, girl"... he would tell me when I am deluded.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Nadia Decides To Win

Heard of the Paulo Coelho's book called Veronika Decides To Die, oh well, I read that book half way. I guess at that time I got carried away with the PTD exam prep. Well, I just thought about it again whilst visiting KinoKuniya.

What makes me happy?

It is weird, since I was a kid I have always loved going to bookstores. It wasnt my nature for clothes shopping, or window shopping.

Maybe I was a geek then, well, I still love bookstores, now does that mean I am still?

Bookstores makes me feel so welcomed. That was what I did while waiting for sherrie for our lil lunch date. I feel peace and harmony. Another favourite store one my second best list is the music store. Yes, Tower Records especially.

A nice harmony Friday, means I will have the pleasure of sleeping till 1pm on Saturday. Hmm Hmm... nothing like a peaceful slumber. That is my treat for working all week.

Tonite I have an important meeting on the major thing I am working on. This is 'out-of-work' work. You can say that I have been doing doble jobs. One that gives a phat pay and one which will give me a voluptious one, in the future, if it happens.

I pray for my success. Thus the topic 'Nadia Decides To Win'.

P/S: The clock marks 12 past 6pm. I love 'going-back' time, who doesnt?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

I made it? You serious?

The ring came in when Amri said: "Eh, nadia the PTD results dah kuar".

Webside www.spa.gov.my then type the IC no.

I know it probably didnt matter. But for me it did, to prove my self worth. My ego, my wisdom.

As I clicked on the submit button, my heart froze for a bit there.

I almost did not believe my pretty eyes when I read, clearly stated, in bold, these beautiful words of bliss:

Tahniah! Anda telah LULUS Ujian Khas Memasuki Perkhidmatan Pegawai Tadbir dan Diplomatik yang telah diadakan pada 29/01/2005.

Nice and bolded. Pretty pretty words of wisdom.

I called Pres, then mom, then Aboo (who instantly called me Dato') and the sherrie hunney.

Thanks for all those who helped. And did not laugh at me.

I think my ego just went 5 levels higher than the usual.

Darn, that ass of mine must be dying for some space for expansion.

Way to go Nadz! Way to go girl...

The guy from once upon a time ago

How many scandals or crushes or break ups does one have to go through to find the real thang?

My experience, countless, some significant, some you forget after you have had a 5 mins nap.

Before I met pres, just about after I had my heart battered from the mb incident, I had strings of what I would call tortilas, or snacks, or some bite. Most of these I wouldnt call a relationship, because, how can I have one without meeting these people.

We spoke over the phone and I learnt loadsa stuff from men. About men. I would say, I am pretty good at the game now.

One guy was significant, I actually thought we were gonna 'hit' it. His name was Azri. He was there for me. One nite, the nite that actually changed my life and perceptions about mb came. That was the nite I found out nasty stuff about him, I broke down.

And there was Azri, all across the ocean, he called me. I was in Birmingham, he was in KL. Somehow, this Azri guy did make me feel not so bad.

So why nothing happened between us, Azri and I? I guess it isnt my destiny. Azri did not want to meet me when I came back for good. I dont know why, but I sensed that he was afraid of something. And we never met. Till today. I remember, that I even had a song for this boy. It was called "tentang seseorang" from the Ada Apa Dgn Cinta soundtrack. How sappy...

So why am I writing about him? Well, he has reapperead. He went missing without a trace for a bit and now, he's come back. After 2 long years. Seriously, this time I want to meet him. Like a friendly meet up. How can I live life not meeting this person who was there for me once and made a significant existance in my life? Just impossible. I have to meet him.

Boy, oh boy...

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Sleep... i... need ... some.. snorrrre

I am sitting here by my personal working space in our lil cozy Yaztech, feeling droopy.

I even came to work with my glasses on. Man, my eyes sore like a bloody pimple waiting to be popped.

I am gonna sleep in the car on the way home. I just know it. I will be lucky if I lasted till 8 tonite.

Oh, did I mention I met amir, I can barely remember with my sleepy self. He's a nice guy. Sherrie was blushing all nite sitting rite next to him. I bet she felt fuzzy then. I could almost see it in her eyes.

Oh and about the blog written especially for her, the one called "TROUBLED". She personally conveyed to me that I should never do that again. Or I will be in real trouble. I cant blame her, she almost drenched the whole of Tower 1 of KLCC. I guess she was touched.

It amazes me at times, how much I can matter to someone. And it does make me feel at the top of the world. It does give me a warm feeling. The same when I notice how I am significant in Pres' life. It is pretty sweet.

I'm gonna get some sleep in some corner before the boss gets back!

P/S: As if I would really do that!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The weekend and some thoughts

I did not have a pleasent weekend. I watched my mom and grandmother and auntie cry while they did the sacred ritual of my uncle's funeral. I paid my last respects, kissed his forehead and thanked him for the advices he had given me. I remember the last one he gave to me while I was at grandma's during raya, "Nanti Nadia biler dah kawen, you kene give and take, dont always have it your way". To think of it, that was the last he said to me and did ask about my career. I am not really satisfied with what I am doing now, most people would be, but not me. I did not answer him the way I was supposed to, I felt bad.. to think about it, that last advice he gave will come useful, as I am so hard headed and dominant, and that was why I thank him.

I also did want him to be the speaker for my engagement in July. I guess not..

The truth is, it is my very first funeral and burial experience. And funerals put me in an awkward position usually. Because it makes me go wam... blank. I dont even know what to say. To my aunt, cousins. My uncle's youngest son is only 13. Man, I cant imagine what that boy must be going tru? And he did not cry. He was helping with the burial but he did not cry.

That was my Saturday. After they buried and read 'talkin' for him, I hugged my dad. Somehow, I felt that time is running short. I watched my cousins sorrowful face, gave a hug to Arni. I cant begin to imagine how she's feeling. I was scared.

Someday, I might have to go through what she is going through now. No matter how broken a boulevard 138A Jalan Bukit is, I still love my parents. And once, when I was about 15, I alreaddy knew what my greatest fear would be. Is to see them both going separate ways, or having to see them lifeless rite in front of me.

Dad is getting old and he has a heart problem. And he is living a shitty, shitty life paying up tasha's fees which used to be mine. Imagine this, RM 100 000 a year and he is not even working. How he does it, I have no idea. He's a great man. I am telling this because it is true. He used to run a food outlet cum cybercafe cum parking business and I saw him do this for 5 years. And he gave up, rite about in 2002.

Sometimes, I feel that we have not been spending enough time together and I will be getting hitched soon. I will leave our lil place we call home. I rarely speak to him because of our differences in our points of view. We argue when we start a conversation. I swear, a simple hello can turn into strings of undesirable events. Sometimes, I dont speak to avoid all that, I wonder if he notices it. But I think he does, because I learnt that art of avoiding from him, himself.

I want to make him proud of me someday, that all his efforts and money spent on me will not be of waste, but I am running out of time. Will he see me to that very day, when he will hug me proudly and say "You done daddy proud, girl".

However, I hope daddy can see me work towards my dream for him. Our dream. I know mum is already proud of me. I am that girl who can never be predicted, acts beyond anyone's expectation. However, I guess mom's just know who will succeed and will have to be pushed. And I know mummy knows which one I am. I am working towards it. I am trying to break my mould, a trend most working-young people take. I am deciding to be different. A risk I am willing to take.

My parents are probably the two adults I wanna make it big out there for, and I just need some support.

Nothing more, nothing less. And I do love them both.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

'REST', one slot comin up!

It is exactly what I need.

I have been so active, I havent had a decent session of sleep in a week. Or less, slightly less.

I have been meeting friends, going to KTJ and staying up late, talking to my brother Haidar, I wonder if he notices how much I care for him. I guess he does. Or not, doesnt matter, I would like to be there wherever he needs me, because once upon a time, when he was 'less' occupied, he was. But I totally understand that he has to do what he has to do.

Anyways, sleep is exactly what I need, funny for someone who believes soooo much in self pampering like me actually thinks that sleeping is a waste of time. It is kind of unnecessary if not for the health reasons and we human get tired.

I would rather stay up. And if I werent so tired, I could actually use my brains and do double work. Like thinking how to make a good business proposal, or something.

I just would like to wish everyone a goodie jollie weekend.

I do wish to have some fun, but I dont know how, without having to spent much Ringgits. Seriously, money revolves around everything, even simple leisure. Annoying really.

Troubled

I am about to lose my best friend, and it only hit me yesterday as her fiance will be back for good. And they will be walking down the aisle, hand in hand. It will be like My Best Friend's Wedding, only we are not 'in' love with each other, but we love each other, get it?

Nevermind, if you dont. Because I myself is insane at the moment. Been best of friends for almost four years now. It's like Joey losing Chandler in friends. Yes, we were housemates. Like now the distance between Kajang and Subang is killing me, she's gonna be someone's wife.

I am happy for her, I guess after all that years, she has finally found her soulmate as I have.

The truth is, when I realised it yesterday, I was down and I was the one having cold-feet for her. I was confused at the same time.

I know I have been neglecting her, which I also realised yesterday as I thought tru. My mind lingered about Sherrie and her wedding and our friendship and my thoughts went so deep I freaked out for her.

I felt guilty, because after having to find pres, I spent most of the time with him, even if we did go out, it was not like the old days when we had our five minutes session together, or a one-to-one chat. We mattered the world to each other those days, our thoughts affected one another's actions in decision making. However, today, it is no longer that way. I decide everything with pres and she does hers with amir.

I know this marriage wont affect our friendship, as in we WILL STILL be friends. However, not like the those days. I know I am getting older and stop obsessing over what was left off in the UK with my precious buddie Sherry, along with Darren and Sharon.

But it was one of my best times in my life and I just couldnt help it.

All I have to say is to wish them all the best and may they find love and hapiness in each others presence and live happily ever and beyond after.

Mate, I do love you and you must only know that I wouldnt want anything undesirable to happen to you. You were once there for me when the whole world turned its back on me and I will never forget that I am who I am today partly because of your presence. Thank you is never enough.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

The 7 years ago, yesterday

How far I have come since then.

I went back in time yesterday, to a 7 years ago. I went beck to my ol college, KTJ. That was a school, I would say made a difference in my life by not making one.

The first time I steped into that school, I thought it was dream school, those of which I watched in American teen sitcoms. Then I got myself registered, with the help of daddie's RM 70k, or just about. A year and a half there and I came out having:

My first bf, first date, first kiss, first break up
Culture shock
Gained 20kgs in a year and a half, I was running for the heavy weight champions (I was 80 to be exact)
A bunch of cool, smart, really smart friends, true ones as well (who was a watcher like me)
Low self confidence (I was poor, ugly and a nobody)
Understood that there are people in this world with so much money, it becomes no value to them
And the world revolve around the rich, famous and beautiful people (even the teachers gave in to those with money and they get away with almost anything)
Money makes you forget your roots
Rich kids are annoyingly stupid, fucking posers who thought the knew the world
The best ustazah in the whole wide world
I was the best watcher
KTJ was good entertainment, it's like watching a reality show with stupid, rich kids in it
Teachers you wanna shove 'it' in their faces with

And that was exactly what I did. Back in those days, you have to keep up with everything. To be the popular one and to be stepped on if you were a nobody. I handled it offensively. I became scary. Everyone stayed away from me, even the bitchy *Esrina* girl. Swear. I thought that was pretty cool, so did my friends, because they had a out-spoken, in-your-face protector.

However, KTJ did messed with my confidence level, as it was intimidating enough to speak to the teachers who had flawless english and they seemed so smart at that time. And some of them were Brits. The kids were categorized, in the sense that they come in clans. Even I did. Well, it's either, you were in the popular clan (where all the guys go for you, got a ton of roses on special occasions), you were a sports person, or you were smart, or a geek or both like *Coon Dee*, who stole a lot of attention by being the Headboy, getting himself into Cambridge and what not. Or there was this other geek who played music and came up with the schools anthem. Or you were so rich, your parents treathened the school to pull out all four of their girls off the school if the school didnt allow their kids running around with blonde hair, and got away with it. All four of them. Or you offered yourself to guys and have a fuck list for exeat like *Helga Tea*.

And so, here I was, with Aboo and Dr. Vitz along with many others, who became the watcher. We watched and laughed about it, our topics mostly covered, who did what, got asked by whom, got dumped by whom, or got caught doing what... it was a perfect model for the exact American school you see on tv. And I was pretty ashamed about it, now that I come to think about it.

And so, what have changed? Sad to say, nothing much. The kids were still fucking posers, like lil tugs running around making themselves define the word 'FOOL'. Hrm... the teachers werent so smart anymore, and I spoke to them proudly. In fact, I impressed one of the teachers (whom I never spoke to then) so well, I got invited to give a speech to these stupid kids for Career's Day, I am still deciding whether or not to do it (it'll be like talking to a bunch of walking, errupting hormones, complaining, stupid and annoying lot). Back to impressing the adults. That isnt a problem for me anywhere I go, a lot of them adults get intimidated by me and they actually get back on me. It was easy, just answer their typical "what are you doing now?" and "where did you study at?" Questions.

If it was like that those days, I would have been their As student. But unfornately I grew so intimidated, I hated being there, I felt unwelcomed, it messed with my confidence and ego, and I got a B D E for my A levels. I am not shy saying it, because I know where I went wrong. KTJ was where. By the way, I am a chemical engineer today, planning to do my Msc in UMIST, the only thing that is keeping me from it is the KECHING! M.O.N.E.Y. And I aint a geek, I have a life and about to make it big, insyallah. And I am proud of myself.

Looking back to 7 years ago, I never thought I will be here someday and I actually made it. Pretty impressive really. I was with my bro (pet bro cum buddie), Haidar who was an average then, who is today, a CAMBRIDGE graduate with Msc in Manufacturing Engineering, who is about to run his very own shared Research Institute and he is only what? 23, same age as me. And I am proud of him as well. And nobody knew him then, or was close to him or gave him the recognition he was suppose to get.

The kids who manage to get 3As as in straight As, the schools cream, did not even manage to complete the course they chose. I know 3 of them who changed courses and still studying as I am about to reach my 2nd year of my working life. Imagine that.

This is coming from a girl who walks into the school and upon being introduced to the juniors as Nadia, they immediately know my name and go "Oh, so you were the girl who got a D for chemistry in mr. lei's class because you didnt do his 24hrs reviewing tip" What the fuck? I am a chemical engineer today. And guess what? I realised something, that you can make even if you are lazy, you just have to be smart, know when to act upon opportunities and know a ton of people. Did you know that Boon Siew of Honda did not know to read and write till the day he died? Eat that! He brought Honda into Malaysia losers. It is also about luck.

You know, I might just go for the Careers Day because this kids needs to know that you dont have to be a geek to be successful, and popularity dont last forever, especially if you are heading for the UK for tertiary education. And dont let the teacher's tell you what you are worth because they wont be so big and smart 7 years from now. You will figure out that, "no wonder they are stuck teaching in KTJ and not making it big out there".

7 years and I still walk into KTJ having that uneasy feeling and still hate being there because of the faking, worthless individuals. Yes I do.

**Names were changed for well, privacy sake? Nah, I just didnt wanna take chances, dont wanna get sued, but yea, if you were a KTJian, you'd know who I was talking about. Simple as that.**

I would like to say thank you to a special bunch of people for making me go through KTJ and coming out still in one piece, safe and level headed:

This goes out to Nurul Aboo, Vita, Yao-Jin, Eliza, Nuwee, Farhana, Hasheeni, Ustazah (who's happily married with 2 kids), Sai, Chuo Ming, Haidar (towards the end), and Sups.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Signs of depression

"Never under-estimate someone, and never over-estimate yourself"

Well said. Have you heard of that thing they call 'the right place and the right time'.

Well, it wasnt. To pull out such a quote on me yesterday. Thanks Pres. For making me feel like a fuckin loser.

I'm goin back to my lil Black Book of 2002 and live there for awhile till I feel it is safe to come out and play again.

And you Pres, very much deserve it.

Thank you again. At least mb never hurt me when I am already hurt. Thanks again.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

It's in the eyes

Sherrie, Pres and I decided to go for a movie. We decided to go for a Yasmin Ahmad. I planned on it months ago after knowing that she made great movies.

Sepet was brilliant. It was not another typical Malay movie, where everyone go shallow and cry and all mellow. And that is it. A typical Yusof Haslam gibberish.

Yasmin Ahmad manage to captivate her audience, especially me to the point I was having mixed feelings. I laughed throughout the movie, yet I cried non stop afterwards.

I eve learnt 2 great lessons from it. One, love never know its faces. Two, when you love someone, you ought to tell it at least.

At the end of the show, people were clapping. One scenario I have never ever experienced in a cinema. I attended PGL, nothing compared to Sepet. Orked, the star of the movie had an interesting character. She was smart, cute and brave, she fight with shallow boys and tell them off. It somehow reminded me of me. And she never lost touch of the Malay culture, eventhough she was dating a chinese guy, spoke flawless english and very intellectual. Odd for a 17 year old gal I must say. But she was always in baju kurung or kemban kain batik!

It clearly exhibited the stupid and shallow malay guys in the movie as well. Exactly how I feel about our boys these days. I am exempting Pres out of my accusition here, he's exceptional my pres boi. He signifies brilliance. But that was what I felt about the malay boys these days, especially when I was out on a hunt about a year ago. HEhehehe...

I must say that I have to after this, find for Rabun, her first movie, also anticipate for Gubra her up coming.

All I have to say is, Yasmin, I raise my hats for you.

Idup Malay movies, you go girl!

P/S: Do check out: www.yasminthestoryteller.blogspot.com for some insights posted by Yasmin Ahmad herself

The Highest Order Of All Complications In Life