The Highest Order Of All Complications In Life

The summer camp days

Yesterday was just great. Laughed till I almost pissed in my pants. That is the joy of laughing. You just let it all go. Feels good.

It was good, meeting haidar. And damn I can get good at pool. If only I had the time and money, just so that I could practice. And Godamnit! I look good. I can tell. While playing pool. A guy told me, guys get the joy looking at girls playing pool, coz they look sexy, and yea... cool.

Oh well, I feel good when I play pool and that is all that matters to me. And if I feel like I am being watched, I walk the walk baby. Just to piss them off even more.

Aboo came as well. All chilled up and nice, having a drink at Bangsar mamak, till 2 in the bloody morn. By the time I got home, it was 3 plus plus. By the time I got myself all freshened of and hit the bed, it was 4am. I had 2 hours of sleep and here I am again. Bloody working, for the money. And the experience. Funny but I dont even know if they'll come in useful. But I think it will. With time as I climb the ladder to wealth (sounds evil somehow!)

Sherrie called me from Newark. She played a prank on me and I fell for it. Silly, but I care for her, that I am willing to look silly just to know she's fine. I do. She seems real happy with amir. Amir seems happy with her. I think it is meant to be kot. I'm so happy.

Is this the happy ending we all crave for? I sure do hope it is.

Diaries...

Who keep them these days? I do. Heck, but I have my life story written in a book. Not now though. I try to be matured. To fit in with this political, sophisticated, corporat numbskulls, so I carry a sorta organizer, that makes me look like one too. Them numbskulls. Well, sometimes, it is the price you pay to get you wanna get yourself at. Complicated as said, it is.

Anyways, I am gonna get myself one of them cool diaries. It has a "this diary can change your life" written on it's cover. Cost me a bomb as well, but that is just me. If I fall in love, it will be no justice if I dont do me the favour of getting one for myself. And plus I get annoyed by most things I see so, when I fall in love, it is so rare, I must do something about it.

There goes sixty nine bloody bucks for a cool diary, or organizer as these numbskulls call it. Yea.. whatever.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 7:51 AM |

Act Of God

Since everyone on the blog is doing it, I might as well to.

I would like to wish my condolences to those who have lost loved ones during the tidal wave attack on Sunday. I feel sorry for the asians countries that was hit by such misfortune.

A second attack of the tsunami is expected. I dont know how far of a disaster will the second one have on all of us.

I just pray for all of us.

I have this idea, that it is god's way of probably punishing us. I mean, we were suppose to be out of the circle of earthquakes, volcanos and what not. But how more unfortunate can it get, last month the flood in the East Coast and now the West Coast. What awaits for us in the middle, like the city of KL and what not? Maybe we have done something wrong that God is reminding us of his presence.

Just a thought... However modern I am or my mind goes. I still believe in God and I am terrified of him. I do believe that he controls everything and have power on who I am and will become in the future. Whether or not I will live another day to cherish all I have now? He is the determiner of life itself.

So God help us.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 8:08 AM |

Past baggages and Small packages

Life is unfair?

I'm having second thoughts on that one. Maybe it is God's way of making everyone happy. Maybe it's just tests or way of making us be thankful for what we have and where we are today.

I couldnt sleep last nite, why, here are the reasons:

1. Sherrie will be flying of to see Amir (her 'unmet' fiance). And I know how big of a step this is to
her. I was excited too. Couldnt give a hug before she board catch 22 to the US of A. I pray that
everything will turnout the rainbows Sherrie imagined, along with the cotton-candy dreams
too. Coz if not, amir better pray she comes back in one piece.

2. Haidar... my pet brother. My soul healer once. He means the world to me, last time I saw him
when I was in what? 2003, somewhen in June? I remember making a scene in the train,
crying like I was breaking up with my boyfriend. Goodbye with haidar seems so unbelievable.
Today I'll be seeing him again! With pres! Haidar has that typical brotherly protective
character when it comes to the guy I fancy. I wonder what he will be up to tonite when he
meets pres!? Hrm... interesting

3. I dont know why. But I knew there was a mysterious third reason for me unable to sleep.
This excitement to wanna go to work.

Then my enigmas received it's ultimate answer....

Nice things come in small packages, they say. It amazes me what a 9K mail can do to make one's day. Brighten it up like a sole torch of the sun with no heat. I was touched to the point I cried at work. Alone at the staircase. I cried.

Questions answered.
Soul brightened.
Doubts cleared.
Guilt vanquished.
My heart returned.
I lived again.

mb replied the mail I sent him, congratulating and asking for forgiveness. He has forgiven me. He didnt hate me, and doesnt as well... I'm free again.

And now, I can let go... knowing everything is settled with him. I must now get on with my very life. And my other half... pres.

Like I said, life is probably fair... in an absolutely absurb way.

Maybe, this is my happy ending...

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 4:25 AM |

NRG band

By the way... the band that was playing at Planet Hollywood last nite was NRG and my fav bass player who reminded me of mb is called Syed Ahmad Fauzi.

Learnt one thing, no matter how many blokes I find who looks like a mirror image of him, they will never be mb.

Not even close...

Not at all.

mb was one of a kind

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 4:37 AM |

About A Boy

Planet Hollywood. On a working day. Yesterday to be precised.

Sherrie's bro's Bachelor party allowed me to gain my first experience ever to:

1. Go to Planet Hollywood (I am indeed a deprived kampong Kajang girl)
2. Excellent first-hand live band experience (though I do not know what they are
called)

I also learnt where the old losers go to cry their sorrows away, also to built what's left of their confidence and ego. Planet is their home. Home is otherwise a place just to have the required daily 8 hours sleep, or so.

When the band came up on stage, their first song played was U2's With or Without You. My attention was set on the bass player... he reminded me of mb. One look and it is mb while he had his hair long. How can they look so alike?

And the song... it just justifies how I waited with faith, not afraid to lose. Sherrie told me something that nite, I swear tears were building up. But she said I could have the alibi of the song being just beautiful. She said: "He is everywhere you go, isnt it? The truth is, he's here" and she pointed at her heart. That just blew me. Like a bomb, all the bottled up feelings. All this months... years... it's true, he's given himself away. mb is now hers, married to a girl, who came along into his life, while I was waiting. While I was trying to forget him. Obviously, some things stick on you, even Dynamo cant get it off.

Here goes, you boy who was worth the anticipation, then. mb

With or Without You by U2

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you giveAnd you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 1:46 AM |

Lecka Lecka & Aljay

That is my fav place for the week...

If you are wondering what sorta place it is, it's an ice-cream parlour. With the best ice creams around in town. Also it's 94 to 99% free of fat. Just made for ppl like me I guess.

Like they said sex and ice-cream goes together. Well, for some of you kinky ppl around... it's a wee bit overated though, I paid like RM 4.90 for a scoop of Nockie flavoured one. But I am fine with that. Swear I could marry the person who owns Lecka Lecka.

Aljay.

He is indeed my most precious pride and possesion. It's been A YEAR and 2 MONTHS since we got together. I love Aljay for all the rough rides we have been together. Sometimes, when I need my time just to think and quiet company, Aljay's always there for me. He is my best friend, almost. At times, I do tell him, he's done me right.

Aljay always looked handsome, unless like today, it's been a week since I gave him a good scrubbing. Aljay's high maintenance, almost half of my pay goes to him. But I have no regrets committing to Aljay. He stands out, he outshines every other of his own kind.

My love for Aljay is so deep, I would not share him with others. We have gone through a lot in life, he has taken me to places I have been before, yet it is different with his ride. He is the best anyone can have. He is a daredevil, just like me. We make a good pair. He always makes me feel good and I look good with him.

It's like Alexander and Bucephalus (his black stallion)... that's like Aljay and me. My beautiful baby. My lurve machine. He is my pride and joy. Shining blue, named after his registration number: WLJ 8020, Aljay came along into my life.

Sometimes, I wished Aljay knows what wonders he brought me since the day we were one, 22nd Nov 03. Wished I could tell him how much I do love him.

By the way folks, my Aljay, is my beautiful car.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 6:58 AM |

Is Love Really Blind?

I dont think so...

We all look at nice things, and want nice things. However, everyone has their own opinion on beauty. So do I. In a poll of 5 girls and a guy, I was the sole one against Jonny Depp (if that is how u spell it) being HANDSOME (eww!). I might be the only one againts the whole world, who knows.

But I am fine with it. I like one of those nice chubby wobbly scruffy looking guys (yea, bring it on if you r one of them), those who look tough, yet soft at heart. The kind when they do their 'baby talk' with you, makes you wanna laugh. That sorta i'm so-brutal world, but with the touch of my baby's finger, I go all Mr Softy.

I find that a real turn on. That sorta guy. I met 3 so far of that kind. Others were just well, playmates, or some you would just go out with coz I was bored. I know many have been there. SOunds evil, but if the guys can do it, so can MOI!

Anyways, some chiqs out there thinks, that sorta guys are ugly, not so good looking, yea whatever. Does that mean I am blinded of the beauty I choose to like? Face it, everyone goes for beauty. Men, women, even gays and les. But beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. And my defination of beauty goes way deeper than skindeep.

Somehow, I met many shallow minded ones who would date for looks. Yea, like the bimboninas are beauty. Probably, no wonder men with beautiful wives stray. Because when the spark is gone, so is the sex. And she was a bimbonina in the first place when he married her, so there goes one hellavu built up 10 years relationship, or less.

Point is, love is not blind. Unless you are really blind, then you still go for beauty within. I once thought that my looks were a curse, not today, when I actually met some smart men, who seek for connection more than just what's outside. I guess, I just had to go out there and find some.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 7:41 AM |

Betrayal

I would rather stab my heart out, and then feed it to the fish, rather to feel what I am feeling now. It is the world's worst pain anyone or anything could go through.

Today, I shall draw the thin invisible line with a marker so it would be obvious. To remind me, that I shall come above all. I should prioritize myself.

I am no longer going to be the 'belangkas' I was. I am going to go out there and live life, once again. And this time, I dont really care what is gonna be of us.

Sometimes after all that I have been doing, all this while, feels like nothing but wasted energy. I am leaving him for sure. It hurts like a motherfucker pin in the eye! Only you dont get blinded by it.

He can have the stupid ring back. I dont give a bloody damn. All guys are ungrateful for the blessings brought to life for them I guess. And so be it.

I have had enough with all this tolerating shit. I am gonna give him the so-called space he needs, and have my own set of hang-out buddies, till he knows what space can do. Fine. Have it, and eat the fucking shit cake you asked for!

I am done here. And I am gonna make a change. Hah.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 7:05 PM |

What Was I Suppose To Do?

You are driving, then you are faced with this scenario:

Two teenager gals walking on the pedestrian lane in Kajang, heading for some place kinda dodgy. On the way back, you see them again. This time, one of them laying on the road, heads down, it looked like she was crying, on the pavement. And her friend looked confused, almost lost. Very lost in fact.

I was faced with that yesterday. And it was 11.00pm. Bloody hell! I am a girl myself. Things like that could happen to me. So I gave them a lift. Apparently, they missed the bus coming home from their sister's place. Maybe I was naive to believe them. But I cant just drive past. I am not cold-blooded.

I dropped them off. Then I had some thoughts. Like what if they were phoney. I mean like they had a guy waiting at the side, just waiting to nab me and my car or something. It was dangerous.

But I felt good I made some good deed last nite. Oh well, sometimes life works in a weird way. I was lucky they were really in genuine trouble. Imagine if I was helpful and turn out they were some kinda notorious most wanted criminals around. Damnit! Then I just have to do my karateka thingy wouldnt I. Then that would be messy at the end of the day wont it? Think about the amount of work Alam Flora have to go tru cleaning up pulp of chiq meat (theirs of course).

Point is, today, when you wanna lend a helping hand, or feel like being good samaritans, you just have to think a hundred times. It is a mean mean place, this world. It is hard being nice and not as well.

Just think about it....

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 6:02 AM |

The things that makes you wanna SKREAM!!

All work and no play makes Joe a dull boy, they say.

Last week I was caught. By my very own boss. My pay master. It was so messy, I dont wanna think about it. This week I am trying to get as much appointments with clients so I can just get out of this torturous place. Dont matter if I sell or not, I dont work on commision.

Well, last week was pretty exciting as well... kays sherrie, u gonna get mad, but i still sleep smilling with the thought that I BEAT U AT POOL!!! Woohoo! Victory is sweet. And that was what I did last friday. Try to get some joy by hitting balls in holes.

So I didnt have any mood or spirit whatso ever left in me by friday evening. However, thanks to my friends and baby, I guess I manage to crack a lil smile before heading home from Subang.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 7:40 AM |

Censored

'TooT'!! 'F*#$'!! 'B%$*!'.... cut n edit, jump to the next scene

The common things we hear or read (or see) when the censorship board try to meddle with just the best bits. Thanx for butting in and making it all decent and clean for us.

I thought about this rite when I went to Amcorp Mall last sunday to see if they have interesting literatures. Or things. Or kittens and pups. Or weird nazi antiques. So weird, but yea, just to check it out.

Anyways, there I was with my jeans and my fav FCUK tee. Mind you, it is my fav. It has some cool stuf written on it. You can call me a big show off, but yea. I got it back when I was in Birm. It has these cool words written on it: "I've got my F, C and K, all I need is U". I think it is cool. If you dint thinks so.

So, I was there, getting off my car. And this bunch of decent tudung gals (tudung laboh kays) got off theirs. I was with baby, and I was holding hands (usual stuf). And they were looking. I am loud when I am happy. And laughing loudly. It was baby's and my lil jokes we crack, when we are happy. And so, they were looking. Yea, who cares if they do kan?

And so we went to the fleamarket. All happy and hopeful to get second hand books. Found one, and what ya know? Those decently dressed gals joined us. I was looking for murder or thriller or one of those Paulo Coelho. My fav writter on life and spiritual thoughts. Or Dan Brown (if I were lucky enaf) and guess what?

Those gals, they bought some romance book, books I dont even wanna pick up. It's got one of those really antique looking drawings with men with nice bods, shirts unbutton till their navel, on a horse (always a black stallion). Making him look like Zorro. And this woman kneeling down, as if begging him to take her on that ride. Books like that, for short are indeed, in my term are called SOFT PORN.
I am not saying it is wrong. But I left that sorta reading back when I was 18. Damnit! My issues here are why? Just why cools songs I hear with the words FREAK, or FUCK, or BITCH, or BASTARD are being censored, and kissing scenes (oh I watched men kissing while watching Alexander. But I always do when I went to Gale in Birm ----> it's a gay club!) Yea, what's with the censoring of kissing scenes. C'mon, dont act all decent on me. How many guys or girls out there havent kissed someone. And what is sooo wrong in showing affection, while you're in love. Maybe that is why people in Malaysia are getting all cracked up.

When I am angry, I listen to EMINEM. And purposely to say those 'so-called' BAD words. But that is the whole point of listening to Dre. Or Eminem.

When I am bored. I used to watched Friday porn (in the UK of course... they had it on tv). It is indeed weird, some of the things they can do... and equipment used in that process, like the swinging method. Kays, whatever. Euro trash was entertaining and at the same time, educational. Make you go "Hey, I din know you could do that...." And it actually educated one of my decent friend who didnt know shit about sex.

The thing about reading romance novels is that, it is for girls. But what about the guys? Everything is censored. I am a girl, but I am thinking about them guys who are deprived, that they would actually rape their sisters, neighbours kid, or their dogs (yurk! Hope not!) And all that murder.

Well, I just think it is pretty unfair. However, that is where the VCD and CD haram comes in. Thank to CETAK ROMPAK, who wont suck the lives out of me alive.

I just had some deep thoughts about this, when the decent girls bought disguised porn in public. I was like "what the...?!" Silly me for thinking it too deep, probably...

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 6:05 AM |

Nobody listens to my soft cries

I am a "happy go lucky" they say.

Well, everyone has ways to channel their worries, so that we'll live longer. And not die of heart attack or something. So do I. I potray myself to the public as a joker. It is better than just to look sorrowful. Plus I dont wanna show I am depressed and hopeless. Nobody likes a goner rite?

At nite, I cry softly my pain away. I sometimes feel sick of living a lie. Men. And what they can do to you. I used to think I was ugly, because he (mb) said so. I used to think I bring disgust. I used to hate my physical. It was the cause of my heartbreaks. Because I wasnt pretty. Thanks to you who made it clear (and told the whole kampung about it!).

I cried because I was ugly. But I didnt ask to be that way.

I cried because I was unwanted due to what I am. For those I adore failed to see who I am. Because beauty was skindeep. Because beauty was all men seek. Because girls were men's lil trophies.

So, I challenged myself. So I decided to be plastic, like every other girl out there.

Today I cry not because of any mentioned above, yet I cry because he who beholds my heart is not mine.

Funny but I dont want him. I just want answers, and my most precious belonging. My vulnerable HEART.

Questions... the 'could have been?'s, 'what if-s?' and the 'whys?'. The unanswered enigma of what's left in my hollow heart plays, when I lay to sleep.

And all that boils to one... I am unfaithful. By not doing anything, but by the mere thought of the past. Just the thought and I am cheating my baby. And I feel sinful. A million sorries and it's still not going to justify my wrongs to baby.

How confused, how sorry I feel for me, for baby... How pathetic...

And therefore, I cry myself to sleep.

I sleep away my worries. My unforgetable past, mb.

And no one listens to my cries as I sleep but the sounds on silence...

Note: mb is the guy who took my heart yet buried in the depths of the oblivion.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 10:40 AM |

A year and still going strong

I fell in love with you over a cup of coffee, you had me at 'hello'!

Etc... etc... etc.... Today's post will be mushy, some of you maybe 'yurckkky!' as well. Sometimes a girl needs to get the emo-bit of her out.

Today marks a year ever since me and pres met. Over khairil (his best mate, who was dating my best mate at that time). Somehow, whatever gutsy feelings I have for Khairil, I still do thank him for being annoying enough that me and pres got on well.

From that came the message I first sent at about 12.00am on 3-12-03 to pres. Mentioned he was great company and it was pleasure knowing him. His reply exactly was : "Well, same goes to u...wish we gonna have a chance 4 coffee someday... ninite then, take care"

Wow! Did he just ask me out? On the first day we met! I was excited like a lil girl who just got a pet puppy. Anyways, days picked up as much as our relationship did.

Now, we are so close, at times I can hear his mind narrating to me. We shop for his grocerries, his toilettries, mine as well... from his hair till the yummie boxers of his. It's like he cant do without me. I dont find that dependence a weakness, instead it's a gift. For I know he is a genius, a capable man. Yet loyal and have a lot in his heart to give. And I am blessed to be the one to see all of that in him. He is indeed, my pride, my joy, my sacred love as well.

I learnt the meaning of sacred love from him. How two people can flourish and bloom, all aspects by just the pure presence and company for the other. I learnt how love can be so pure (Thailand dint turn him on! Ahahahah) That he was the man I have been waiting for, how he is the sole being that truly deserve me. I never thought that I could be admired, what more loved the way he loves me.

I guess God was fair after all. What I thought was a wretched life has turn it's course on me towards the rainbows and pretty showers of sun-rays instead of the storm I have been through.

I have never been more intrigued by voyages, travel by sea till I met him for he was a sailor. Travelled the world in a very unique means. As I have been travelling but only to do it the conventional methods like everyone, to fly. Now, I have built a dream of owning our very own boat and to buy an island so you and I could both indulge the sea, sunsets and sunrise after another together.

Baby, you thought me to look at life on another horizon. You said life has its ways, method of tackling it would be the key. You believed on looking out of the box, you and both want to be different. Fact is, we are. And that is why we connect well.

Only a year with each other, already feels like I knew you all my life. Sometimes, I wished my past didnt occur, for I know I wont have these baggages you lift as we stroll our journey. It is fading. It will go one by one and nothing will matter, but us.

With you shahrulfazli, I feel like a woman, your woman, your princhesh. Your lil baby. You give me a reason to be, to stay alive day after day. I dont remember crying with sorrow, except for once when we almost bid our love goodbye. You have instill the forgotten happiness. And now it's not about leaving each other you said, it's about building up our lives together. Well, it is true and that is all I can think about.

You are amazing. How many times have I said that. And I know for a fact that you are good looking, and jeans and cool tees will enhance that better (yummie!) If there is one guy one Earth with pure of intentions, it will be you. You are affectionate, possess empathy. Never have I seen someone so pure. I am the evil knevil one and you are angel.

One year, and going strong. We will never get bored of each other. I know that for a fact. Who would carry me and go running around in One Utama. Who will harrass the lil kids more than we do? Who will enjoy my company even on our reading days (or nites?! :P) Baby, you interests me, you fascinate me... I never felt more loved, more cared for, more pampared, more idolized than today as I am walking the walk with you.

Again... my Wonderboy, you are to me.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 1:30 AM |

Clear of guilt

Everytime I feel like reminiscing my past, some point of life I missed, like KTJ when it felt like a summer camp all day, esp with Aboo to hang out with, I would just listen to a song I played then, and all the memories come flushing into my mind like a projector in my head.

Songs reminds me of time. Like familiar scents too. Some are happy thoughts, some makes me sad, or some makes me feel ridiculous.

This song down here, I just bloody feel those who wrote it, knows me or something. At this point in life, how I feel, how I feel about baby. And how I am. Couldnt have been said better than it is in Vindicated....

By the smart asses Dashboard Confessional...

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing I am

captivated
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated
I amCertain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current

So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so wellI am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself
My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 5:48 AM |

Glory Or Wealth?

A man of integrity and noble of heart would answer glory. But I dont blame those who says wealth. I fall into the latter category myself. If you asked me a year ago, it would have been glory. Not till I actually went out there, played the game of life, and faced mankind.

Everyday, I come across people who complain about life. Most of them, are in fact doing very well in life, but hope to seek glory. Or maybe just a change, or worst, dont really know what they want. Some have vision of their hearts desire, but dont know how to go about achieving it, or probably dont have the gutts?

I admit, I am probably in the midst of scouting my desires. Something that makes me smile when I sleep, and at the same time, will bring the cash. Baby said, I taught him that life was easy, if you want something, go and get it. Well, baby doesnt know that it is easier said than done. Sometimes, my thoughts and advices come slapping in my face. I can almost hear them say "eat it!"

Well, I hope Malaysians wont turn into the japanese with all that suicidal deals and how many of you heard kids (teens) who keep themselves cooped up in their rooms like 24-7? These kids actually refuse to even breath the air outside the room, let alone outside their houses. I have seen this documentary on tv while i was in the UK. It's about a boy, how his mom leaves food at his door during mealtimes and collects his dirty dishes when he's done.

I have a 16 year old cousin who does it. But in his case he doesnt get out of his house. Only to go to school he would. Or else it will be astro world. I swear, this astro thing is getting to kids, someday someone might sue A.K. for coming up with it. What is happening to this world? Somehow I thank my parents for not letting me grow up too fast. How I pity those who did. Funny but my cousin's parents fail to see that he is actually having some screw up there loose. I am not saying my cousin is crazy, but he seriously needs help. Ironically, everyone thinks that he is an angel just staying at home. I either think he is sissy (who seriously need a godamn bashing to get goin with) or he is freak out when circumstances shoves the world without mommy and daddy.

Now me, I would like to venture. To travel. Maybe to meet people. I had three years in UK, but I only started learning one year before I left the UK. And how good I felt at that time, only I knew. I do wish I had baby to share it with. And maybe it is time. To go and explore life without mommy and daddy, but with my baby (damnit, the bloody thing rhymes!)

This has nothing to do with the said thing above. I learnt a lesson last nite, that I can never share everything I felt with the one I wanna build 'my-so-called life'. Why? Coz there are things just meant not said, not done but shhsh about. And that was one of it. Like the case of the ex. Case of the annoying best friend. There are just tiny weeny times, when I do miss my own company. When I miss just sitting out my window, enjoying the cold with ciggy. Cold. Just like me. Life were actually easier then. Lonesome, but easy. All I could care of is myself. All I could hurt is myself, getting hurt by me, coz I was untouchable, alone... but somehow, not complaining. I wonder how many girls out there feels like me?

I do ask myself if I want to go back to that place. Funny, but at times, the answer is affirmative, most of the time it is, coz that is when the question kicks in. WHen things go wrong. Today are one of those days.

Some of you might notice, there are days, when I am sooo in love, then there are days like these, or days when I think of 'he who I seriously shouldnt'. Well, that is how messed up I am. I know I need help, but consultation fees are killers. I would die of starvation before anything else. And plus, people who go and seek professional help are often called psychos. Well, I aint one of them ok.

Sometimes, I feel the need of running. Running... without a destination, take a stranger's ride and get to where my fate takes me. Just like my destiny. I still wonder how I will die someday. Baby is stuck in a cobb-web he can either choose to cut loose or not. I have learnt one thing after the conversation last nite, that I dont want to be there in the web. Someday, I might just free myself. And I do pray, that day will not come too soon. I will leave, just me, myself and I.

Like I said, life is funny. I am not happy with what I am getting, but I know a million others who would want to be half near as to where I am standing. Maybe this thought and believes are the only ones keeping on my stay at the point I am now.

Stationary, waiting to accelerate

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 9:25 AM |