The weekend and some thoughts
I did not have a pleasent weekend. I watched my mom and grandmother and auntie cry while they did the sacred ritual of my uncle's funeral. I paid my last respects, kissed his forehead and thanked him for the advices he had given me. I remember the last one he gave to me while I was at grandma's during raya, "Nanti Nadia biler dah kawen, you kene give and take, dont always have it your way". To think of it, that was the last he said to me and did ask about my career. I am not really satisfied with what I am doing now, most people would be, but not me. I did not answer him the way I was supposed to, I felt bad.. to think about it, that last advice he gave will come useful, as I am so hard headed and dominant, and that was why I thank him.I also did want him to be the speaker for my engagement in July. I guess not..
The truth is, it is my very first funeral and burial experience. And funerals put me in an awkward position usually. Because it makes me go wam... blank. I dont even know what to say. To my aunt, cousins. My uncle's youngest son is only 13. Man, I cant imagine what that boy must be going tru? And he did not cry. He was helping with the burial but he did not cry.
That was my Saturday. After they buried and read 'talkin' for him, I hugged my dad. Somehow, I felt that time is running short. I watched my cousins sorrowful face, gave a hug to Arni. I cant begin to imagine how she's feeling. I was scared.
Someday, I might have to go through what she is going through now. No matter how broken a boulevard 138A Jalan Bukit is, I still love my parents. And once, when I was about 15, I alreaddy knew what my greatest fear would be. Is to see them both going separate ways, or having to see them lifeless rite in front of me.
Dad is getting old and he has a heart problem. And he is living a shitty, shitty life paying up tasha's fees which used to be mine. Imagine this, RM 100 000 a year and he is not even working. How he does it, I have no idea. He's a great man. I am telling this because it is true. He used to run a food outlet cum cybercafe cum parking business and I saw him do this for 5 years. And he gave up, rite about in 2002.
Sometimes, I feel that we have not been spending enough time together and I will be getting hitched soon. I will leave our lil place we call home. I rarely speak to him because of our differences in our points of view. We argue when we start a conversation. I swear, a simple hello can turn into strings of undesirable events. Sometimes, I dont speak to avoid all that, I wonder if he notices it. But I think he does, because I learnt that art of avoiding from him, himself.
I want to make him proud of me someday, that all his efforts and money spent on me will not be of waste, but I am running out of time. Will he see me to that very day, when he will hug me proudly and say "You done daddy proud, girl".
However, I hope daddy can see me work towards my dream for him. Our dream. I know mum is already proud of me. I am that girl who can never be predicted, acts beyond anyone's expectation. However, I guess mom's just know who will succeed and will have to be pushed. And I know mummy knows which one I am. I am working towards it. I am trying to break my mould, a trend most working-young people take. I am deciding to be different. A risk I am willing to take.
My parents are probably the two adults I wanna make it big out there for, and I just need some support.
Nothing more, nothing less. And I do love them both.
posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 8:16 AM
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