The Highest Order Of All Complications In Life

Winning Out Of Desperation

Sore loser, I am. At least I have the gutts to admit it. I am afterall human. Nobody likes to lose, I am definately in the top three of that category, without a doubt.

Yesterday, baby beat me in fusball, and damn it I was such an annoying person, I swear if I was someone else, I would kick myself in the *toot*. Well, I demanded a rematch. Either pres gave in, or I was too desperate to win, I won.

What I am saying is, I have the desire to win, all the time. And that need, or drive keeps me winning. I tend to blossom with success. But if I fail, it will indeed mess with my ego and confidence, which leads to me not even wanting to try. I get intimadated really fast and so I tend to intimidate them first. I guess that is why a whole bunch of dudes I know out there find me offensive. Truth is I am just being defensive. Poor lil me who get exiled because I was just adjusting to nature. Awww...

I have a target for myself, which I pretty much set during the weekend. I have a sales target to achieve. And I plan to achieve it, before moving to a new surrounding. Many of you have heard, yes I do plan to go to the UK again. The pros exceeds the cons. So after a year of reasoning, I have planned, to YES go for my change.

Oh well, time to call it quits. Need to leave now.

Maybe practice fusball... and kick baby's ass

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 10:00 PM |

The need for speed

Topic that interests me for the day... CARS.

Baby have been shopping for second-hand cars. Being offered the new job, he will be travelling extensively. That is where extra money for the wedding will come from, milage and toll claims. Ader rezki sket, macam side income.

So, we went to the kreta terpakai shop yesterday. However, after seeing all the national cars, ie satria, kenari, wira.. what not, he was offered to take up a C class merc. for a thousand five every month for installments. Now we are considering it... who wouldnt want a guy driving a c class... but my thoughts went deeper.

Consider this, if I am excited him driving a c class compressor, what would the other tight ass bitch think of him. Only 26, living a posh life. Dammit, I was jeolous out of nowhere. Cacing kepanasan. That was my first concern. As a scorpio, and proud to be, I am possessive. And he is the last thing I would wanna loose.

Second, what about savings? We were suppose to get married, apply for the holidaymaker and leave for UK. Then if we manage to save up, study msc together, with our own money frm our own blood and sweat. Independent innit? Just some future plans to enhance our career prospects. With that c class in our hands, kan susah nak save?

Sherrie was the one to be reality checker. To pull me back to the ground when I am just abt to get myself too carried away. I do the same for her too, at times. But I believe she's wise enough.

So, I guess baby will settle with a wira. But I am also very superstitious (if that is how u spell it). No numbers 4 on the number plate. And the sum of the numbers must not sum up to the number 4 as well. Baby must be going crazy having to live up to my criteria. Kan? Poor lil munchie of mine.

But I dont have to worry about the tight ass bitches' fake drooling. I will be the sole drooler... and only I can well... have the best and WORST of him. EHheheh...

Back to work now, I will be so jobless today, I can just feel it, suggestion to fake effort? So my boss will think I am working hard? Maybe the graphs again kan? Nice pretty graphs... the always save me. Even in my uni days.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 1:31 AM |

Memories Of Neo

When I said the world is filled with mother-fuckers of the highest degree, I literally meant it.

Today, at 10.30am, I was at work, I was shaken by the call from my sister Nathra saying that Mohd. Neo, my son cum cat was found to be dead in our neighbour's lawn. The pitiest thing, he died alone. I loved that fella man. Sometimes, it hurts bad.

And I knew some mother fuckers poisoned him. I had many cases with my previous cats. The same happened when I brought them to my vet. On their death bed, the doctors told me, they were fed with paracetamol (panadol - layman's term). Who would do such a thing to harmless creatures. Especially Neo. He was real sweet. He would greet my mom in the morns when she hung out the clothes to dry. He would greet me when I get back to work. In the morns, before goin to work, I will heat up my car engine for at least 2 mins, but I always end up heating my car for at least 5 mins, coz he'd come to sit on my lap and give me his kitty massage.

He was such a sweety, I was gonna take him along wherever I went when pres and I got married. Now what am I to do.

Dammit, I loved Neo. And they burried him without me even having to kiss his forehead. I just pray that wherever he is now, he'll be fine and happy.

He was a lovely cat and I loved him like crazy. Neo will always be my lil baby boy.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 2:55 AM |

The asylum I seek

It is yet another Beautiful Day.

My first thought when I woke up, beating my alarm to it. Break of dawn always remind me of duties, like a robot being set it's mind to carry out the chores of the day. I guess when you are an employee, life is more routined like, and the feeling of getting comfortable with something so usual annoys the HELL out of me. I want CHALLENGEs to colour me life.

Here I am at work, getting used to my robot-like, routine job, day after day as I wake up to it. Like the brushing of my teeth I do everyday, tell me folks, how many of you look forward to brushing your teeth? But without it, I'd stink. And feel absolutely inconfident. And would stay away from everyone the whole, like I'm punishing myself. I was jobless for a whole 2 months, and man, how low I felt. How I secluded myself frm the world because I didnt feel like meeting anyone. Except for munchie. He is exceptional. If there is one thing that comes as an exception, in my principles, or believes, it would be him. He has a way with me. He break my principles, he breaks rules.

Again, here I was at work, feeling bored, as usual... and I checked on people on friendster, or read other ppl's blog, just to see who thinks like me, an absolute rebel like me, or reacts to circumstances just the way I do. Believe in double-standard, hoping to be saved by someone who would see beyond just skin-deep, who would actually take the effort to love me regardless of the baggages I carry from my past. Someone who seeks asylum in the heart of love itself. Someone who punishes the races of the male species for some unfortunate events that might have happened from the past by a specific male. Someone who judges the world by experiences encountered, and mostly memories of undesired events. All that you cant leave behind.

I found a girl out there, who is the girl I used to be once. Before I met baby, who loves me unconditionally, aware that he might not have my heart in return. Ever. But loves me anyway. Well, Maya.. whoever you are. I do wish I could meet you, tell you that you will come to this moment I am facing in this point of life. It will take you by suprise, and you will be amazed, fascinated and confused all together.

I believe, all that happened to me once was a test, so that when I come to today, I will never get too carried away. Oh, and I had many thoughts from guys, all of them said I was brutal, hard and what not. Mamat didnt think I'd ever get married. And here I am. Pure of heart. I just wanted to be saved. As I claimed, freedom lies in his arms, along with his presence. I am now safe in the care of my wonderboy.

He looks at the baggage I carry as the reason of my existance and presence today. The events that moulded me into the person I am. Which is what he is attracted to. I would say Maya, find someone who interests you, fascinates you, colours the black and red life of yours with hints of pretty pinks and baby blues. I am a person of color too.

Believe that your existance is a reason. Believe that you are bliss rather than a curse. Believe that your desire will soon be fulfilled. And lastly... expect the unexpected.

P/S: Maya, I have a strong feeling you are a scorpio. I might be wrong though..

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 3:30 AM |

Name

There is one song I would never get tired listening to, it somehow reminds me of me, and life and how tough it is out there. Like the world is a mean place somehow, I am just looking for a place to hide. An assylum.

Believe or not, I first bought my Dizzy Up The Girl (DUTG) album, by Goo Goo Dolls in 1998, when the movie City Of Angels was released. That was when the song Iris was everyone's craze. Lucky me my DUTG album had bonus tracks which carried the song Name in it. That was the first time I listened to it. Fell in love with it immediately. I would say it is a brilliant album. However, I got the cassette version of it. That time, blum ader CD haram. And also.. I din have much in my pocket to spare for ori CDs. Even if I did like today, I still say: Yea, HIDUP CETAK ROMPAK! But good CDs like DUTG, I would go and buy their album. Call me weird, but I do screen, and I do practice 'double standard' treatment to the public.

So here's the lyrics to the song. Actually went all out finding for it. Name is actually from the album: A Boy Name Goo.

Excellent song. STill listen to it when I feel the need to be cradled. Especially at nite, when I am driving alone, after dropping Pres off at his place. Once in a while I get that feeling, vulnerable they call it... I'm sure everyone does.

Name by GooGoo Dolls (fav band for all times)

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 2:05 PM |

Bliss with a reward

Just like breakupbaby who just sold her book on break-ups I'm guessing after having series of break-ups I am guessing again. Anyways, every dark cloud has it's thin silver lining. I first heard this quote at college. I had a good pal, Yao Jin, who wrote me quotes everyday and would leave it on my table, she taught me that. I was constantly in pain, then. Puberty just hit, I was a troubled teen, the typical teen disatisfaction abt everything, life sux was my fav quote.

Oh look at me now, living life like I dont care, matter fact is, I DO CARE. Just live it, play it like a pro and you will intimidate your opponents. Unless of course, you are predictable. Due to strings of events in my life, I love to play a guessing game with my opponents, just to have fun. Coz I was bored. That is usually the case, boredom strucked me.

Today what I was gonna say was that, life has become good. Baby has been offered a 'way than better' job at the building I work in. What are the chances?! Coincidence is a event of excuse, what happened there then?

I am just pretty excited, all marriage thoughts, now the financial issues are not so much of an issue. Upgrade in salary, career wise. What more can I ask from thaT boy?

Baby... you are my wonderboy. Love you munchie.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 10:00 AM |

First Step to Bliss

I must say that I had the most amazing weekend. Tired... very tired, but PRICELESS. I had to mop the floor (one of those things I would NEVER do), clean up the house and wash dishes. Help mummy put the place together, our home. Run all over Kajang town with pres to get things together for this special weekend of ours.

Why? Coz yesterday, SUNDAY 21st Nov 04, pres' family came in for two reasons, one is to 'beraya' at our place and second, to ask my parents for my hand, then place the precious on my finger. The malays term for this occasion : MERISIK. Yes, I am now booked to be married to Shahrulfazli. Man... it's just sigh.... perfect. I am yet to be married to this man, and I am feeling like a million dollars.

Anyways, the whole thing went perfectly well, though we didnt plan for it to be grand, it was kinda 50-50 grand, coz we had hantaran to go with it, all unplanned. Me and pres just got carried away I guess. It is easy to get carried away when you are shopping bridal stuff with a guy who gets all excited when he enters a shop selling bridal stuff! But I thought it was sweet... smileys...

What is the worst thing being the center of attention? Being the center of attention. Having all eyes on you. Having to pretend you are cool, yet, all jumpy inside. Playing cool when you're not. And what's worst, having people like a 8 year old cousin come up to you and go: "Tersenyum.. senyum!" And then on top of that, this is classic. I was being called to face everyone, and pres' dad asked me if I 'terima' pres. Dammit that devil pres. I looked at him and he just looked away like he dint hear it. Leaving me all alone to face this drama. And I HAD to answer, in public mind you. I had to give this sheepish smile saying "yes" at the same time, that was embarrasing siut... Oh well, I guess pres will be facing the same music on our nikah nite eh?

Anyways, the engagement will take place in June-July when Tasha (my sister) comes back for summer. Oh well, Tasha you are literally HOLDING US UP gal! You better get your ass back down here, or I will personally do the favour for you. Ahaks!

This is life... never wanted to get married. Thought I was gonna be the last one ot get hitched. And what you know, when it is the ONE, the rite time and place and situation, everything just falls in place. Like pieces of puzzles that matched. Who knows I will come to this days kan, kan mates? Me of all people. Life works weird I am tellin you.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 5:00 AM |

Freedom Lies In His Arms

Yesterday was one of those days where I feel like a teen again... when I would just dream away a princess dream with my prince charming as we strode down the aisle, just before I would close my eyes to sleep.... not forgetting the sighing session, alone-smilling sessions as well. That makes me feel absolutely stupid.

Oh well, here goes, just before you get all confused and go like: "What the fi$h is she yapping abt?" Well, pres and I manage to get the risik ring just as we wanted it to be, and it was perfect with the words FAZDEA 2.12.03 engraved with the precious. Our lil version of LOTR, my version at least. Coz the ori would not even let me have 5 minutes of the show. Either ppl today like long boring war movies. Not to mention the unattractive brown and black background to go with it... Ok, ok, back to the subject... we got the ring dated the day we first met. At crimson near klana jaya. Just in case you wanted to know. That was where we met. Our crossroads.

Anyways, there goes, even though it isnt official yet, by right, i have to have pres's mom put it on me, that is when I would go all red and wished to hide away in some hole. But I have to face this. Some things that girls just have to face. Like child birth. But the bliss that comes with it.... PRICELESS.

I guess that is all I have to say... good week, still on leave till Monday. The blessing of working for a Bumi company. Well, the sad news... one of my kittens died and some of them are sick, having diarrea. Press is angry with me. Coz he is sitting next to me playing some really brutal game. At least he is not hitting himself. Oh well, gotta go do my girly thing to bring him back to life.

If I met God, I would thank him, coz even if I have hard times in this life... I have my joys to take it all away. Like salvation... salvation is sweet they say.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 1:10 PM |

One of those days when the past hits you... again

"How can I marry someone when my heart is with someone else?" A friend asked me. She who I have been keeping secrets from (read past posties, you'll understand). I could not help but totally agree with her. Call me a bitch, but the heart is something I am not in controlled of. Ironic, cold-feet hit us both (me n my best buddy) at the same time. Funny thing is, I could almost discuss anything with my loved one, except... my past.

And the past is something I keep bottled up in my heart because I feel disgusted and sinful just thinking of him. I have always wanted to write about him. But, I just didnt think it was appropriate, or I would just totally ignore the fact that I thought about writing about him, as I have totally ignored my feelings for him. But there is a saying that goes... never, never regret the actions you have carried out, as it determines a long future. Or rather... think before you act, in order to avoid circumstances I am at this point as I write this.

He was someone I knew out of tradegy that were encountered by the both of us. I knew him way before, but just as an aquaintance. I fell in love with him with one deep conversation we had, discussing the faith life has brought us to. Or maybe, I just needed someone to talked to, and he was there. Then again, I always had Haidar.. but I never had feelings like that for him. Maybe it was just meant to be...

I never had a relationship with him, what more hold his hands. But it was probably the way he spoke or some of the funny stories he had, or maybe he instantly just took my pain away from the tradegy mentioned. I was always the one who talks the most, but with this guy, I was stupified. If ever, I wanted to think abt a time where I went tounge tight, that was one of those times. And if there was the time when I manage to get some courage out to speak, I would always manage to say something so spiteful, that with the silence, I would kick myself out of regret. Why did I say such a thing to him?

So finally, he never knew whatever I had bottled up, till today and why I feel so wrong thinking about him? Because... I am with someone, he is well, he is formally attached (legal terms). I cannot bring myself to even say the "m" word, because I could never see him that way.

Today... and today is one of those days when I thought about him again. Amazing some of the things I did to forget him... work part time, not see him at his working premises (which is impossible, coz we used to be in the same building). Some things he told me, I did use it as an advice in time. That: He and I will and could not be friends. It is rubbish, if you love someone, cant be with them, and yet want to be their friend. That is just rubbish. We became enemies. He never knew why. This is why. I would like to explain all of this to him, but I learnt something, that he could never respect my privacy, and probably tell the whole kampung about it. But I also realised, no point in goin tru all of this as he is well happy, and so should I with my loved one.

Today is one of those days when me and pres had one of those times couples would have. Bad times. But I know the angel he is. We would be fine, coz he always has his way with my moods. That is one thing I know that my "past" will not have. The talent with patience.

Everyday, I would pray so that this "past" will be taken away from me and my heart will soon be returned to me, so I could love pres as I should. Baby, please dont get me wrong, but I need to get this out.

posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 8:40 AM |