Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Walhal

Hari ini aku declare aku dah fed-up.

Fed-up dengan semua orang yg berpura-pura baik depan aku konon. Aku fed up dengan tempat kerja aku. Aku dikecualikan daripada bonus walhal bonus yang diterima adalah bonus tahun lepas.

Tidak apa. Aku tahu hak aku. Dan aku akan buktikan bahawa aku adalah lebih daripada "just another engineer scavanging for money". Dia membuktikan bahawa ijazah aku tidak lebih daripada sekeping kertas yang bernilai RM 300000. Aku berkerja sekeras mana pun, aku tidak dapat membayar daddy.

So, kali ini aku mencuba dengan cara yang lain....

-Sylar Melayu-

Monday, May 21, 2007

string of gunk

Problems. They tend to propagate. When one starts, it sorta never ends. And you may find that they dont even link. They just happened. All at once. Maybe it is cobaan....

Whatever it is, the most important thing is not to give up.

Anyway, last week was karma week or something for me. I had this massive shit happening at home. Then, all my collegues, except for En Zam (he's fresh air) got on my nerve. My wisdom tooth started it's growing pains. Mom started talking about the hall booking and how payments are due. God, they were all coming. And one after the other, it did not stop. The clients gave new bulk composition for a particular case (at THIS last minute when it's submission dude!).

Yea, tell me how they are all NOT connected, but somehow is, the connection is ME.

Then. on Friday nite, good news came in. Finally I saw light. The tension at home has reduced. I am starting to believe in life again.

So, it is confirm now... I am getting hitched. Still having cold feet. But still gonna get tru it.

Friday, May 11, 2007

the good kinda bad

He asked me today, just before the bells for lunch rang "So, why are you happy today?". With an absolutely pleasant smile.

My brains were scrolling just like a black jack machine would for the smartest, sharpest reply to that. I fail to come up with one, instead I threw a "kenapa?" at him. Looking all confused but contented that he cared. Maybe he doesnt. Maybe he was being nice. Maybe he is trying to buy me out, since he cant buy me with money (he tried), he's trying to use character.

I am just trying to enjoy the lil time we have dude. That is all. Yesterday he sent me an email, saying there is an offer for lead process engineer at my future employers and they were head hunting him. He forwarded that email to me with the message:

"You cant run away from me. Read below."

I know in his entire life, he has not done such to an employee. It's complicated this thing we have. I dont really know what category it falls in. Maybe it's just fresh air.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

bitter fruit

You know when your personality is changing.

You just know it. There are signs, obvious ones. I am this bitter bitter person. My surroundings affect me. I am emotional. Yes I have heard that one too many times before. I react to the way others treat me. Whatever. I dont care. But maybe I do, I just dont show it.

At this point, I have a nice story to tell. About the kursus kawen I completed. But you know that feeling when you are down, disappointed and bitter about something, the sweet stuff just gets a bit blurry, that you tend to focus on the bitterness of life.

It's easy to just put them all aside. At this point I have myself to blame. So, why all this?

Just one small incident can change everything, after all they say I am emotional.

My collegues came to Kajang last nite for satay without calling me out to join on them. Yes, it is insignificant. But you know what? They are significant to me. These bunch of collegues. I considered them friends, you see. That, I have not many. Friends. Not when you work constantly for 12 hours minimum a day. When your home is your hotel. When you go home and you only have the cats to chat too. Not that I dont have my parents to talk to, I do, it's just that I am so drained, I dont want to be talked back to, I just want to be listened to.

You get that feeling? You dont, well nevermind. I tell myself, all this will be over. I will get myself out of this shit hole and go to some place where people are of my league and my wavelength. It's not like I didnt try to fit in. I did. My it's my words that push them away. That just explains the fact that they never really wanted to know me.

So, today, I decided. I will make them insignificant. So, I wont get hurt again. So, if they have satay at Kajang without inviting me to join them, it wouldnt matter anymore.

Friday, May 04, 2007

i need a beach

I have got 15 minutes of writting before the bell rings and wham! Reality hits me. Puny me in my puny cubicle getting high on green HYSYS. For the non-chemical engineers, HYSYS is this proces simulation program which is the only entertainment I have been getting for the past 9 months, since August last year.

Having said that, I realise that I need (not want), and soon will be on one, a VACATION. Desperately.

I crave for blue sky and warm sand under my feet, with the sound of seagulls and waves hitting the beach. With nothing to do, and limited clothes on. So, it must be some place where no one knows or will ever know me again.

My honeymoon's in 3 months time. Where I am sitting, it sounds like a very long time, with hell to go through before that blissful time comes.

Mauritius anyone?

The beauty of marrying someone who wants the same things in life as you do is what I call pure luck. It feels like winning a loterry ticket.

I love living in my dreams, and wished I will never end this. Let go... let live... and probably just go with the flow.

Time's up, back to HYSYS.