One of those days when the past hits you... again
"How can I marry someone when my heart is with someone else?" A friend asked me. She who I have been keeping secrets from (read past posties, you'll understand). I could not help but totally agree with her. Call me a bitch, but the heart is something I am not in controlled of. Ironic, cold-feet hit us both (me n my best buddy) at the same time. Funny thing is, I could almost discuss anything with my loved one, except... my past.And the past is something I keep bottled up in my heart because I feel disgusted and sinful just thinking of him. I have always wanted to write about him. But, I just didnt think it was appropriate, or I would just totally ignore the fact that I thought about writing about him, as I have totally ignored my feelings for him. But there is a saying that goes... never, never regret the actions you have carried out, as it determines a long future. Or rather... think before you act, in order to avoid circumstances I am at this point as I write this.
He was someone I knew out of tradegy that were encountered by the both of us. I knew him way before, but just as an aquaintance. I fell in love with him with one deep conversation we had, discussing the faith life has brought us to. Or maybe, I just needed someone to talked to, and he was there. Then again, I always had Haidar.. but I never had feelings like that for him. Maybe it was just meant to be...
I never had a relationship with him, what more hold his hands. But it was probably the way he spoke or some of the funny stories he had, or maybe he instantly just took my pain away from the tradegy mentioned. I was always the one who talks the most, but with this guy, I was stupified. If ever, I wanted to think abt a time where I went tounge tight, that was one of those times. And if there was the time when I manage to get some courage out to speak, I would always manage to say something so spiteful, that with the silence, I would kick myself out of regret. Why did I say such a thing to him?
So finally, he never knew whatever I had bottled up, till today and why I feel so wrong thinking about him? Because... I am with someone, he is well, he is formally attached (legal terms). I cannot bring myself to even say the "m" word, because I could never see him that way.
Today... and today is one of those days when I thought about him again. Amazing some of the things I did to forget him... work part time, not see him at his working premises (which is impossible, coz we used to be in the same building). Some things he told me, I did use it as an advice in time. That: He and I will and could not be friends. It is rubbish, if you love someone, cant be with them, and yet want to be their friend. That is just rubbish. We became enemies. He never knew why. This is why. I would like to explain all of this to him, but I learnt something, that he could never respect my privacy, and probably tell the whole kampung about it. But I also realised, no point in goin tru all of this as he is well happy, and so should I with my loved one.
Today is one of those days when me and pres had one of those times couples would have. Bad times. But I know the angel he is. We would be fine, coz he always has his way with my moods. That is one thing I know that my "past" will not have. The talent with patience.
Everyday, I would pray so that this "past" will be taken away from me and my heart will soon be returned to me, so I could love pres as I should. Baby, please dont get me wrong, but I need to get this out.
posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 8:40 AM
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