My dearest Valentine
14th February of a given year.Lovers around the world confess their undying love, the sweet nothings. Nose rubbing. Sweet tingling kisses.
I know this is a wee bit too early to be in sir Val's mood. I'm here anyway.
I am not one of them 'minah jiwang'. Maybe I have become mellow. But I like to keep my cool. Macho chiq. What a oxymoron. Nvm.
Well, I just thought, once, like maybe 2 years back, when these annoying couples go celebrate each others presence in their lives, I would celebrate "self awareness day". I went out on my own.
I remember, once not long after my breakup, after I have *met mb*, I wanted so much to be asked by him out for a decent movie or ask him out on one myself. However, my intentions were retarded by my fear. I was this scared bitter girl at that time.
So on 14th Feb 02, I decided to celebrate self-awareness day. I wanted to pamper myself. I got me a movie ticket for 1. How dreadful, but wait till you hear the rest... Ticket to some movie, I dont remember what. Oh yes, it was Monster Inc. Mind you I was at Birm at that time. I did not ask mb also because I tried once and he was the sorta guy that did not like cartoons. But Monster Inc. was more like a anime to me. Anyway, I bought this LARGE popcorn, to be consumed by me alone. But before I manage to get to my seat, I pour the whole thing. So that was the blunder for my pampering day. I cried a hell as well, because the movie was touching.
On the train back, I was stopped for ticket, and I did not have one. But I looked so terrible, even the ticket personnel let me off. It was so terrible, I remembered that very day till today. I went home and continued my session of crying.
I'm sitting here thinking of that very day now. I feel pretty much silly and sorry for myself. At that time, I still had a heart. I lost my heart when I lost mb. After that I was so cold, I was untouchable. That was when I had my glory days. After I lost my heart. But the thing is I did not only lost a heart, I did not have a soul.
For a year, I had no feelings at all. Almost numb that if I cut my fingers till it bled, or jump off my room window, I would feel no pain. No pain could compare to losing mb. That was just exactly how I felt, pity, mb had no God damn idea I had such feelings for him.
Today, I am trying to build my heart again. And today when I can feel no more, I feel bad. I'm trying to love. To believe that love has finally come my way. But being emotional does mess with a lot of things, like my goals and being focus.
Maybe I became like this for a reason. I also felt on the 1st of Jan 2002, I died. That was when I lost my mind and I lost myself. I did not realise it till recently. I was lifeless for 3 God damn years. Like a zombie, walking, scavenging on the remains of life, trying to crack a decent smile. I could not feel anything. Nothing made sense. Everything was a mess, whether it was nice or not.
And recently I feel like I have been given the 2nd chance to live again. Am I the only one who feels things like this, or does everyone at some point in life.
Disappointment
It was disappointment that killed me.
*met mb* in this context means, I got to know him, became his friend and pillow as he was to me at that point. I knew mb a year before I actually got to know him personally.
posted by WaBBa Fe$H @ 10:50 AM
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