The Highest Order Of All Complications In Life

This blog will have to go

2008-08-26T00:22:00.003+08:00

after many ponderings... yes, it has to go!

new found hobby, apart from facebooking

2007-11-06T09:59:00.000+08:00

It started somewhere last week, baby just told me that during his growing years he had always thought that Lego was the coolest toy anyone could have. Looking at his pup dog eyes, I suddenly said it "hey, it's never too late for a birthday present!". And so, that was what I got him. But the ones I got him was a not-so-cool basic lego set. After awhile of building (and yes, that's what we do for kicks), we got tired of it, and it was left to collect dust in the corner.

Then, last weekend, in Penang we got ourselves a absolutely, totally cool set each. I got him the Tow Trasher Racer model he wanted, and he got me a wicked Hydraxon by the Bionacles. And so we build. Took us slightly more than 2 hours to complete the models. It's like an awesome 3D puzzle i've always wanted.

The Tow Trasher

Hydraxon

After that day, we vowed to only allow ourselves a model each every month. But yesterday I thought real hard. I suggested that if we got ourselves that (see below) model for almost 400 bucks and share it, as in build it together, because it is not only HUGE (half a metre in length) but HARD to build as well, it will take us weeks before we are done. That's not too bad huh?

Tow Truck by Technic

It's so cool, I'm afraid I am willing to throw cash for it. At least at this stage.

most things come in pairs, good things

2007-10-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

Semalam selepas kami berbuka puasa, pres dan aku ke rumah fahmi. khabarnya anak-anak fahmi selamat dilahirkan.

"b, anak fahmi laki, pompuan?"
"ntahlah, tak sempat nak tanya"
"khairil pun on the way pegi ni"
"b, cepat ek nuha balik umah?"
"tulah"

Well, fahmi had a pair of boys, of which their names, he hasnt figured. Currently identified as Twin1 and Twin2. Both were born 30 minutes apart. Nuha was there, talking to the other guest arrived before us. I was amazed how strong and fit Nuha was, considering the fact that it's not even 24 hours since she had her labour.

Fahmi looked the happiest today. He was joking like never before, they already have Ammar, who's 3 now.

Three boys.. must be a handful of fun there.

I have always wanted boys, Mike and Miles. On the way back I looked at pres, "so lepas ni bolehlar curik senduk dari umah Fahmi?" Pres just laughed agree-ing.

rnz and space

2007-10-09T12:07:00.000+08:00

Today I picked up the phone, and called one of my old collegues (zilla). Many things changed whilst I was busy working here doing transient shet.

I found out two of my closest buddies there are not in chumy-chumy mood lagi (it's because one sudah jadik berpunya) Boys, the things they make us do! Sometimes, it's just so stupid. But the thing is, it's us who made that choice kan?

And I found out this year rnz had their Buka Puasa party like a stone away from my crib. It made me jealous, that all my friends are getting on well, planning what to wear and stuf, and I am excluded. I have to admit it, I was usually the one making the boys do these things. "weih, korang pakailar kain plekat, mesti gempak siut.. ko pakai baju melayu warna aper nanti?" "eh, bawak tak awek ko? baju matching tak? mesti dapat amik gambar sesama kan?" that was last year though.

This year, I am stucked, Stupid transient analysis shet. Hand in the fucking report. yadayada.

Ah, who cares?

There's one thing that is on my mind though...

How does it feel to pee with no position at all, no container at all, nothing, in outta space?

Today Malaysia makes history as our Muszaphar will be travelling a journey non of our men have been. Sometimes I wonder, what his parents must feel, huh? Or how does it feel to be the one in a million? Like some of our great men, say Tunku. What does it feel to be him? Or P. Ramlee? How can one contain such glamour and glory?

Last year, he was just some random dude. This year he is THE astronaut. Saw the documetary last nite, there was this lady who is part of the team. I wonder, when she's in a pub or a bar, then someone ask that question (they always do): "So, what do you do, (say..) Jane?"

"Oh, I'm an astronaut..."

My mistake is my pain

2007-10-05T14:18:00.000+08:00

The time has come for me to runaway again.

I need a break out. I need to find a loophole. I need to just get myself outta here. Fucking politicians. That is what they all are. I'm doing things I hate. The person once I thought was my friend turned out to be the biggest asshole.

Should have listen to En. Zam. All he said was that it was too early to leave.

But it's too late now, to pick up that phone and give him a ring. It's just too late now.

The damage has been done.

I have to admit, I miss that old guy. Eventhough we always argued but he made me feel like I mattered, that my opinions were brilliant. Maybe being a cause is what I crave now.

Discover me discover you

2007-10-04T10:16:00.000+08:00

Our dreams are coming tru. No one to say no. We have always wanted to travel the world together, take the weekend off. But before, I had my mom on my back, she'd just go "ni belum nikah lagi, nak travel sama -sama... mummy tak sukalar. no need to go!" That was what happened when we went to Phuket 3 months before the tsunami. Then there was our UK trip a year after that, the alibi was we went to Birmingham to spend raya with my sister. Truth is, we are just crazy about discovering new places together. Wanna back-pack. Relax. Enjoy the view.

Suddenly with this wedding, everything just seem right. Everything is falling into place for us, AirAsia X recently, meaning like last week had a promotion on a 5 days 3 nights package to the Gold Coast with air tix and lodging, inclusive of tax. Price was at RM 2000 per person. Pres manage to get them. He was over the top and I remembered him waking me up with a gallop, I almost died of a heart attack in my sleep. But all was good.

We checked yesterday and discovered that the promotion's all sold out. And just ticket alone to Gold Coast costs RM 2960 or something, excluding tax. Goodness me!

Hope the country down unda will bring us a pleasent suprise.

Sun.. sea.. and surf ~~boys~~ boards.

2007-10-03T09:37:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to visit Australia. When I had a friend study there, during my single days, I've always wanted to crash by, but I had monetary issues.

And today it hit me...

2007-09-27T14:34:00.000+08:00

We ARE really running out of things to eat!

It's about time...

2007-09-25T12:19:00.000+08:00

I blogged.

Tomorrow will be exactly 3 2 months of me getting myself hitched. Living together, doing house chores together, deciding to buy stuff together. I learnt one thing, common question of the day will be (now that it is ramadhan):

"Nak buker apa hari ni?" or on other days it would be "Nak makan apa?"

Being married to me is like having all the freedom I ever dreamt off. But somehow, having to decide and do anything one wants after a long time of living under my parents armpits are really a blow.

I miss home. I miss mom's lectures. I miss having to fight over the tv. I miss having Smeagols to cuddle up with. I miss lotsa stuf. I miss 138A Jalan Bukit.

FULLSTOP.

I have adopted a recent passion. But it is being put on hold whilst it is the fasting month.

I joined Fitness First. I wanna look good. Feel healthy. And give up the habit. It has been what? 5 years now. It is about time. So yes, RPM is my favorite class, and man, the last time I had springy legs like that was back in my "The Works" days.

I must confess, I am an endorphin addict.

Prison break

2007-06-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

The cell : process cubicle no. 309
Prison : Camp RNZ GE Towers
Sentence : A year and a half to be exact
Crime: Responsible for the oil and gas war all over the world

This friday contract prisoner 309 will be released. Yes, I dont mind that I have killed millions. Thousands even. With this passion of mine for the process industry. I made money whilst others died in the process. On March 2007, I was granted the parole and will be released this Friday. Thank God it will be THIS Friday.

And after that I will succumb to a normal lifestyle, busy selling tupperwares for a living like the other domestic engineers. Nah, that is my cover-up. No one in the right mind, who knew me long enough will come to believe that I will do that to make a buck.

I cant help it, it is my thrist. Lately I related my plagarism stories I commited back in uni to my younger inmates, I could see in their eyes that they dont believe me. But it is true, because I was e jack-ass in uni, I made up for it here, in my lil cell, I did my chores. I completed everything they chucked at me. I am not confident the new inmate will be able to do so much in so lil time.

I consider myself the best behaved inmate ever. The fast learner. The best performed, no wonder they gave me te 60% increment. But it all dont matter. I am looking for life. When life bores me to death, I will commit yet another crime to get me back where I started.

The best memory here is the Warden. I will miss fighting with him. I know he will too. After this he will pick fights only to find that no one will rebel the way I did. It is my nature. I am a rebel. I will never confine myself rules made my others. All pure rubbish. I come to realise the bonus was puny amount of money that I dont deserve after all I have experienced here. Some live here half a decade to get where I got.

Someday I will pay it all back to the Warden. I never forget. How far I got and will get was never at all expected. The Warden made me. I am a product of him.

So what got me this far apart from the Warden being so hard on me?

My ego. One thing I will never want to lose ever.

About Running

2007-06-18T13:20:00.000+08:00

People used to say, you should face your problems. You shouldnt runaway from them. That it builds character and it makes you stronger. But it's always easy said than done. And plus they are the ones watching, so it is easy for them.

Sometimes, most of the times, it is always big enough of a problem that makes you wanna make such decision - to run. There is always a 50-50 chance that facing it might break you rather than making you. That better person, yada yada.

I ran. Once. For more than 2 years, was in complete hibernation mode. Back then it was easy, I left my country for education. But given the chance, if I were in some kinda big mess up, I would not think twice to repeat it.

When I came back, everything was calm, I was allowed to start fresh. And I wouldnt feel ashamed to say, it actually made me a better person. So, what about that "facing your problem" shet?

Today's post has got nothing to do with anything or anyone, just a thought about my past. So, if you are facing some kinda shit, and have a thought about running, do it, usually it takes more gutts to leave everything behind and seek your inner self than to face your God damn problems.

Ravi's return

2007-06-14T13:46:00.000+08:00

A cousin of mine made a big suprise by returning home from the US of A without giving us all a note that he'd be back. He made a joke about how he didnt have to buy chocolates for anyone if he just popped out of nowhere.

Having heard of his big comeback, I left work early despite the fact that I have got a submission just to meet him. My grandma who's almost 100 went to meet him. My dad left kajang for damansara in the middle of the night just to see him. Basically everyone was so happy and excited, put it this way, he created a chaos.

Now, all of this wouldnt have been if he was in the US for a straight 3 years, neither if it was for 5 years. The last he came back was back in 1990. He's aged now from the last time I met him when I was 9 and he was 28.

The thing about him is that, despite the large age gap there, I was pretty close to him. I used to jump about him. And the meeting yesterday denoted that we connect well. He is 45 but he's cool. I laughed the whole time talking to him. It was like a party at home!

There was this funny incident that I remembered after all this years. Normally people would have forgotten it by now, but I cant take that memory out of my mind. I was suprised he remembered it as well. He is married now. I do not know much about him, but I am glad to know he's doing great.

Ane' Ravi, welcome home dude!!!

aboo's happily ever after

2007-06-08T13:27:00.000+08:00

There the times like this when I havent got anything to say. Or my brains are clogged up to come up with anything smart to say. Or maybe the fact that I am drugged. Tilt my head and I feel like the world shudders with me.

But I am gonna write anyway. I'm looking forward to tomorrow. One of my best mate is getting engaged. One hellavu big step for her, or anyone. I know her almost all my life, to think of it, it's been what? 8 years now? Wow, you know they say that some marriages dont even last that long. But our friendship did. You know why? Well, let's put it this way.

Personally I think the people that you know during the "critical years" and stayed on and helped you go through and come out one piece from it, these are the people you cherish. She's one of them. Was there when I had my crushes. Was there when I had my first date, my first kiss. Was there when I thought I fell on love with the right guy, only to find out that he isnt. Was there when I fall out of love. Was there when I was poor, regargless the fact that I was fat. Was there I had all the pimples on my face. She was there even when I was miles away from home.

She was just there for me.

So, here I am hoping that tomorrow will come soon. By the way, she's gonna be my best mate on my big day.

P/S: Abs, hasno is one lucky guy to have met you. I do pray for your happiness and all the good things in life together.

Exclusive on HER

2007-06-04T13:55:00.000+08:00

Smile for me darlin'

I like it wen u do that Right Thur

On pick up day: First Fuel feed

Maznida and couple's spa

2007-06-04T13:32:00.000+08:00

Maybe I am at the top of the world. One minute you are down, like the world is eating you up, the next you are flying with colours. God's way of showing that he create the rules to your game play.

On Thursday, we collected baby's first "first hand car". She's a black beauty, we decided to call her Maz. I added the suffix to it, just so that she's Malaysianized. Maznida it is. There were moments. He made me the reason to his success. He gives me that security, like everything will be perfect. We will have the perfect marriage and life and everything we will ever dream off. I'm scared. I told him, the truth is, I am not ready for this commitment, but you know what, to think about it, I will never be. So I am gonna commit. Because I know I will be responsible enough to honour it. The love I have for him will be enough to honour it.

Like that is not enough, we both had our first spa experience. I have always wanted to go for one, so did he, but we just never did. On my side of the story, it is because I probably never had "kaki" to experience it. So, we both attended a couple's spa.

Some experience. The 650 bucks he paid was worth it. I had a full body scrub, apparently will work on the firming and jacuzzi to further slim and trim and God knows all the other goodies that will ring chimes when a woman hears it. Then came the traditional Balinese massage. Aftermath of it? Well, let's put it this way. You dont wanna be anywhere near me today. Gosh, I have never been more gaseous in my life!

Having said that, ah I dont care about the couple of thousands they paid the others, I'm the one being pampered, so go fug yourself people at my place! Pres and I are thinking to have a home jacuzzi later.

Walhal

2007-05-30T13:21:00.000+08:00

Hari ini aku declare aku dah fed-up.

Fed-up dengan semua orang yg berpura-pura baik depan aku konon. Aku fed up dengan tempat kerja aku. Aku dikecualikan daripada bonus walhal bonus yang diterima adalah bonus tahun lepas.

Tidak apa. Aku tahu hak aku. Dan aku akan buktikan bahawa aku adalah lebih daripada "just another engineer scavanging for money". Dia membuktikan bahawa ijazah aku tidak lebih daripada sekeping kertas yang bernilai RM 300000. Aku berkerja sekeras mana pun, aku tidak dapat membayar daddy.

So, kali ini aku mencuba dengan cara yang lain....

-Sylar Melayu-

string of gunk

2007-05-21T13:05:00.000+08:00

Problems. They tend to propagate. When one starts, it sorta never ends. And you may find that they dont even link. They just happened. All at once. Maybe it is cobaan....

Whatever it is, the most important thing is not to give up.

Anyway, last week was karma week or something for me. I had this massive shit happening at home. Then, all my collegues, except for En Zam (he's fresh air) got on my nerve. My wisdom tooth started it's growing pains. Mom started talking about the hall booking and how payments are due. God, they were all coming. And one after the other, it did not stop. The clients gave new bulk composition for a particular case (at THIS last minute when it's submission dude!).

Yea, tell me how they are all NOT connected, but somehow is, the connection is ME.

Then. on Friday nite, good news came in. Finally I saw light. The tension at home has reduced. I am starting to believe in life again.

So, it is confirm now... I am getting hitched. Still having cold feet. But still gonna get tru it.

the good kinda bad

2007-05-11T13:39:00.000+08:00

He asked me today, just before the bells for lunch rang "So, why are you happy today?". With an absolutely pleasant smile.

My brains were scrolling just like a black jack machine would for the smartest, sharpest reply to that. I fail to come up with one, instead I threw a "kenapa?" at him. Looking all confused but contented that he cared. Maybe he doesnt. Maybe he was being nice. Maybe he is trying to buy me out, since he cant buy me with money (he tried), he's trying to use character.

I am just trying to enjoy the lil time we have dude. That is all. Yesterday he sent me an email, saying there is an offer for lead process engineer at my future employers and they were head hunting him. He forwarded that email to me with the message:

"You cant run away from me. Read below."

I know in his entire life, he has not done such to an employee. It's complicated this thing we have. I dont really know what category it falls in. Maybe it's just fresh air.

bitter fruit

2007-05-08T13:18:00.000+08:00

You know when your personality is changing.

You just know it. There are signs, obvious ones. I am this bitter bitter person. My surroundings affect me. I am emotional. Yes I have heard that one too many times before. I react to the way others treat me. Whatever. I dont care. But maybe I do, I just dont show it.

At this point, I have a nice story to tell. About the kursus kawen I completed. But you know that feeling when you are down, disappointed and bitter about something, the sweet stuff just gets a bit blurry, that you tend to focus on the bitterness of life.

It's easy to just put them all aside. At this point I have myself to blame. So, why all this?

Just one small incident can change everything, after all they say I am emotional.

My collegues came to Kajang last nite for satay without calling me out to join on them. Yes, it is insignificant. But you know what? They are significant to me. These bunch of collegues. I considered them friends, you see. That, I have not many. Friends. Not when you work constantly for 12 hours minimum a day. When your home is your hotel. When you go home and you only have the cats to chat too. Not that I dont have my parents to talk to, I do, it's just that I am so drained, I dont want to be talked back to, I just want to be listened to.

You get that feeling? You dont, well nevermind. I tell myself, all this will be over. I will get myself out of this shit hole and go to some place where people are of my league and my wavelength. It's not like I didnt try to fit in. I did. My it's my words that push them away. That just explains the fact that they never really wanted to know me.

So, today, I decided. I will make them insignificant. So, I wont get hurt again. So, if they have satay at Kajang without inviting me to join them, it wouldnt matter anymore.

i need a beach

2007-05-04T14:12:00.000+08:00

I have got 15 minutes of writting before the bell rings and wham! Reality hits me. Puny me in my puny cubicle getting high on green HYSYS. For the non-chemical engineers, HYSYS is this proces simulation program which is the only entertainment I have been getting for the past 9 months, since August last year.

Having said that, I realise that I need (not want), and soon will be on one, a VACATION. Desperately.

I crave for blue sky and warm sand under my feet, with the sound of seagulls and waves hitting the beach. With nothing to do, and limited clothes on. So, it must be some place where no one knows or will ever know me again.

My honeymoon's in 3 months time. Where I am sitting, it sounds like a very long time, with hell to go through before that blissful time comes.

Mauritius anyone?

The beauty of marrying someone who wants the same things in life as you do is what I call pure luck. It feels like winning a loterry ticket.

I love living in my dreams, and wished I will never end this. Let go... let live... and probably just go with the flow.

Time's up, back to HYSYS.

U know what they say about "Periuk Nasi Besar"

2007-04-28T19:56:00.000+08:00

Maka besarlah keraknya jua...

Yes, it is the time of the year when everyone's who's earning an income, be it a self starter or makan gaji like myself gets annoyed and paranoid.

The BE form declaration.

It's that time of the year when you pay your fucking tax dudes. LHDN peak season. Yada-yada.

This never bothered me. I have always earned from a small periuk. Not this year. They have started the deduction. It proves in my EA form.

Oh fark. Paying the goverment. But then again...

Yes, I filled my form up yesterday. Collecting all the receipts from my books and magazine purchases, my insurance and medical statements. Oh, the Malaysian goverment is kind enough to provide exemption for these.

And after which, only to find that I have been over-paying my tax!! Hence, RM 44 cash back which I know I shouldnt even bother claiming it back because I heard of people getting back the return after 15 years. Yes, that is how slow and lembap the goverment is.

But nevertheless, as long as I am able to walk freely, speak my mind, and not have war like some of the other countries, if it cost me RM 44 for my freedom, it is WORTH IT. Also, I slept well with a thought, I am an asset to the country, not otherwise. :)

Life is just a phase?

2007-04-25T13:33:00.000+08:00

The Prid-Life Crisis.

Short for Pre-Middle Life Crisis. I am pretty much sure everyone's heard of the mid-life crisis. Normally hits men, age ranging from 35 to 45. This is where they wake up one morning feeling like they are gonna die the tomorrow.

Now, with or without realising it (well I have), it is coming to be common amongst the young working adult. People like me. People like you. I have admit to myself that I am one of them. Signs like "man, I do wanna get a Fairlady 350Z, like in 3 years time". And what's makes it worst I have a mind plan on how I will be able to come about it.

Questions like these hit you, whether you realise it or not, we are at that age where people die early these days. If you live up to 55, consider yourself lucky with cancer and what not. Smoking is a the numero uno cause of it. I know, yet... my greed overcome my guilt everytime I run out. Listen to Muse, Time is Running Out and you will get a better picture.

So here goes, a Blue List of things to do and conquer and explore before I become history:

1 - Travel and cover at least 30 different countries.
2 - To be able to wake up next to Him, every morning.
3 - To experience childbirth, at least once.
4 - To have my very own hard earned Nissan Fairlady 350Z, make that crystal white please.
5 - I am surely dying to get an Engineur cop mohor of my own someday, with the official registration number on it.
6 - To be able earn more than a 100 bucks per hour for my consult.
7 - To have 1 landed and 1 high-rised property. Both, yes call me greedy but I am the one with the crisis now, kan?
8 - To be able to pay cash for every single thing I dreamt of having, even if it cost a bomb.
9 - To be a living legend
10 - To make my parents proud, dad is it so hard for you to be happy these days?
11 - Now, something that is almost impossible, if I were a Hero, I wanna be invisible and persuasive at the same time. Then again, the genesis studies is expanding, and I reckon, someday nothing will be imposible.

There was once when I thought about things the way I do today, usually when I am going tru a transition phase of some sort, I reckon it is happening again. Hence, the delusion and confusion.

Lets hope I dont bring my gun to work tomorrow... (then again, I want to be a living legend, not a dead one)

The notice period

2007-04-16T13:30:00.000+08:00

Three months seems longer than I thought it will be.

I am ultimately bored. Feels like a drag ever since.

Two reports to submit. Flowline saturation and HMB preparation for the satellites.

Those are my task. Before my time is officially up. But along the way, you never know what you will stumble upon. Lets paint a prettier picture with a lil hint of pink now. And pray that this 3 months will be up before I even notice it.

Starlight

2007-04-12T13:38:00.000+08:00

Absolute high. No matter if it is repeated again and again and again

far away
the ship is taking me far away
far away from the memories
of the people who care if i live or die

starlight
i will be chasing the starlight
until the end of my life
i don't know if it's worth it anymore

hold you in my arms
i just wanted to hold
you in my armsmy life
you electrify my life
let's conspire to ignite

all the souls that would die just to feel alive
but i'll never let you go
if you promised not to fade away
never fade away

our hopes and expectations
black holes and revelations
our hopes and expectations
black holes and revelations

hold you in my arms
i just wanted to hold
you in my arms

It's sickening to be where I am standing

2007-04-11T13:29:00.000+08:00

For the past God knows how long, I have been wanting to post, but my computer have been having some trouble detecting this blissful Free WiFi service Starbucks has to offer.

So yes, I have been keeping all bottled up in me a month alomost now.

I finally carried all the gutts and courage to tell En Zam that I am leaving, But havent have the gutts to present the black and white.

He is now aware of me betraying him after all that he has done for me. His reaction was somewhat unexpected that I almost cried, ran over and could have (if he wasnt a male, married some more) hugged him.

He asked me why. And after all that 1001 reasons I presented to him, mainly was I was overworked. Too many hours at work and too little time with the family.

In conclusion, the one that I will never be able to get off my mind was:

"Of all my employees, there is only ONE person who I foresee that will be able to lead projects later. Any one engineer will naturally grow to be a senior engineer, but not all senior will be able to lead, there's only ONE person I see that will be able to do it, only ONE, and it's YOU, Nadia".

That sentence there, means more that a million bucks to me. Like I said, it's never easy living up to En. Zam's expectations and this coming from him. He made wanna cry. It's like winning a lottery.

And he has been nice to me ever since that day. Like yesterday. And today.

On Friday nite, I wasnt able to sleep, thinking about what he said. I never thought I would have someone to look at me that way. And meant it. I know he meant it. He never praised anyone. Never.

I am literally standing at a T-junction. I seriously am confused about everything and this makes things harder. Harder than even before. Before I was presented with choices. Sometimes, it's easier not to have any choice, that having to make up your mind.

There is another one of his remarks that he said, that made me know, he cared about me.

"You can leave, just let me know where and leave for the right company"

and used the words "sayanglar..." and in his eyes, I saw disappointment.

Well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. My reply was "maybe someday, En Zam... someday..."

The second cut still feels like the first

2007-03-28T13:30:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking. And I thought through. Thoroughly this time.

For all the time I have been away from blogging. I have been thinking, and rectifying problems I faced.

So, a lil flashback to what brings me here today...

It all started when he had expectations. At first I felt honoured by it. Then, he wanted to make me a leader. He layed out the plans he had for me for the next 5 years. But 5 years is a too long of a time, especially in a business like this. He presented me with reward. As much as the Ringgits could offer. I was bought by it. Then, the expectations grew bigger. Staying up to work till almost 10pm wasnt enough. After all I was rewarded. Hence, I cannot and dare not complain. That's when I started talking to the others. The experienced, just like his kind. They presented me with enlightment of how things should be. And how this is "humanly impossible".

That's when I began my actions. I started applying for the others. Asking for more than what he can offer. Money and time. It was a priceless package. Then I went to the interview. And I was offered higher than what I wanted. A thousand more. And all the time I need to myself and my family. An irresistable package.

This happened yesterday. I was suprised and amazed at my own talent and skills. Dad was so proud that I have doubled up on my paycheck within months, he replied "I want to study chemical engineering".

And that brings me here. To where I stand now. To leave him. Professionally. He hasnt a clue. He's stopped jumping at me for the others mistakes. He has stopped giving more work to me. He hasnt a clue how devastating this outcome has turned into, but he knows something is not right with me. He knows that I am somewhat distant now. I dont talk as much. For the past two weeks. I have gone quiet on him, even since I have been thinking.

I am gonna have to break it to him sooner or later. But those eyes. The judging and full of expectation look of his. And how he talks with a smile this days. And after all, he was my mentor. He thought me how to walk my walk and talk my talk. He made a process engineer out of me. He made me. But I will say it, latest by Wednesday next week :

"En. Zam, I resign..."

The datelines and milestones... again

2007-03-09T13:22:00.000+08:00

Yes, I am being hit by them again. Damn, the datelines.

On the 12th, ie. this coming Monday, I have a set of P&IDs (process & intrumentation diagrams) and HMBs (Heat & Material Balance) to submit. I apologise for the lack of my postings for the past week. The thing is, I do go online, I just havent got much to say. Neither do I today, but for the hack of it, if it isnt you, then who do I complain to?

The boss has warned us to come in on Saturday and Sunday as well, he used the word "picnic" to be precised. If only that word sounded fun, like it used to be maybe 20 years ago. Having said that, it is obvious that with more money they shower you with, and more demanded you are in the market, the more workload you will be burdened with.

Sometimes you wonder, when will all this end? When will I be able to actually retire and rest and travel. Watch the kids grow in front of you. Spend more quality time with the family.

Someone (one of them sibuk-sibuk makcik to be exact) actually asked me this yesterday "macam maner nak jadik mak orang?" (how are you gonna be a mom?). I replied with a smile. And thank God my phone rang at that moment. Because I might have just gave her a piece of my mind, which will probably make her run off to the surau to cry.

It makes you think, which is why I probably hang out with the guys rather than the makciks and kakaks. Because all they talk about is "biler nak kawin?" (when are you getting married)and then next will be "biler nak ader anak nih?" (when are you gonna have babies). There are nothing more they like than to run someone's life, rather than their own, for all you know, their house is a pigsty.

And yes, I am angry. Very. The datelines has got me again, and the pressure and the lack of sleep. But still, I need the overtime. So I am gonna be a slave. And slog. So, there you go, the story of my life for the past week.

Have a good weekend and enjoy them with me, I'm certainly missing mine.

Seriously? Wow.

2007-02-27T13:41:00.000+08:00

I went away for a short 3 days holiday at Bukit Tinggi, Indonesia. I meant to post the pictures, but I havent found the time to do so. By the way, I have a kampung now. I used to not have one, both my grandma's house is almost around the corner. So my Hari Raya visiting took a day or two at most. So that makes my "balik kampung" annual event.

But now, since Pres mom was born in Indonesia, making him half minang. Going back to his place is just wow. Someday, I would like to work in the padi fields like his ancestors did. And they still have them bidans over there too.

Really, I have a kampung to go home to now. Yippee!

Now, the serious stuff. We bought a home. 15 minutes away from where I work, smack in KL. We are having our fingers crossed for the loan to go through and all at the moment. In the meantime, we bought the first thing for our home. We bought a comforter set. Nothing fancy, but somewhere to start of with.

Since Saturday, my life has made a 90 degrees turning point. It's no longer, I am buying "MY bla bla" but it's more like how to come to a comprimise to choose the color to "OUR bla bla".

Gasp! It finally hit me, it's really gonna be "us" for real from now on huh?

To me (who is almost a commitment freak), it's serious shet. Exciting, very indeed.

Anatomy and me

2007-02-16T13:48:00.000+08:00

Seriously, I have a lot to say. But I havent got the slightest idea on where to start.

And sometimes, it is just inappropriate to spell it all out here. I worry. I am a worried pansy ass. Sometimes, the things I worry about are not even my problem to begin with. But it is with the people I care the most.

The things that has been bugging me lately - Yes, I have cold feet. And it is not just cold feet, it's probably cold body and everything that there is there to be warmed up. To the point that if you put a freaking thermometer up my ass, it will give you a negative reading. Not literally, but you get the point.

Yesterday, there was this news in my favourite free tabloid "The Sun" on how this guy strangled both of his kids to death after having a row with his wife on Valentine's evening. And then taking his own by consuming chlorine. Today they continued by saying he is jobless from his failed pHd thesis, hence have emotional problems. But that is not good enough of reasons to kill your kids and yourself, simultaneously killing the spirits of your wife for the rest of her life. That is just unacceptable, acting all psychotic like that. Unjustified.

I am not saying that my baby would do such a thing, may God forbid, but yes. And the divorce rate anywhere in the world today is so high, making a decade seem like a very very long time. And the poor children that suffers from it, may God forbid.

And so yes, I am troubled. Warm is everything but me. Making Hell seems like a nice beachy vacation destination.

No formatting involved - Free thoughts

2007-02-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

I dont have an intro for this one.

I attended my first gym training last weekend. I wouldnt say I am a healt freak now, but I am serious and pretty excited about it. While I was walking (yes walking really fast, for a person who almost never exercise, fast walking is good progress, mind you), I remembered this scene from Conspiracy Theory. The trick to it is "dont focus on the machine". Keep going. Keep your chin up. And before you know it, the 20 minutes is over. I'm working on my cardio.

For most of them, it's about losing weight. It's about looking good. For me, it's about staying healthy and answering "yes" to that doctors question "do you exercise?".

That walking fast and skiing act for 20 minutes each, is a lot like surviving life. My friend turned up to work with a tee saying "Life is not a job". As much as I would love to agree to that, but deep inside, I know that mine, this life of mine contradicts to it.

At work, you strive. You learn how to deal with yourself and others. It is really about how you fit in, to obide your leader and tell him in the nicest and most subtle manner that he's gone wrong when you disagree. You then create a way you have with your subordinates how you want them to do so that they will obide you with not fear but respect, even if they are twice your age. You strive, and you try carefully without tripping. Focus on the passion you have for this job even if you havent slept the normal 8 hours last nite.

In love that you have commited, you understand your man. Acknowledge that he leads, give him the pace he wants to go, but make sure you are holding the reign with him. If you come across a bump, make sure to hold on to and not fall out.

No compromise when it comes to your family. As a child you try to satisfy your parents. You try to do every possible thing there is to keep them happy. You keep running even if your feet hurts, you try to go out of the way just to make them proud because they are the sole reason of your existance. And it matters.

The only times you have with yourself is the eight hours sleep. And sometimes, that is limited. So you tell me, isnt life a job?

Now comes the orgasmic reward

2007-02-08T08:30:00.000+08:00

After waiting like forever, as if waiting for a long lost love to be found again, I received the answers and solution to my current life. For this year at the very least.

I received "The Letter" yesterday at about 6 in the evening. "The Letter" has been the talk of my company for the past month. It states the increment. One's performance evaluation results.

As if waiting for the SPM results, we queued outside the meeting room to be called in. As soon as I opened my piece of reward, well Mr Zam forced us to do it in front of him, one by one as he called us into his room. And there it was. My 60% increment.

Giler. He said it is the highest. With that he reasoned out to me of my fat figure there. Whatever he said or I said, it was all like shadowy, I was just so overwhelmed by this that I almost cried.

As soon as I called dad to tell him, he congratulated me, then I just cried like a baby. This happened at the stairway, so no one was around.

Man, tell me this is real.

Intense, very intense

2007-02-07T13:27:00.001+08:00

This happened on Monday.

I woke up thinking it will be just another day. Yes, I have been feeling really at the pits lately. I am overworked and almost underpaid. But what can a junior engineer say? It's the learning phase. The overtime used to be enough, but now that it's 2007 and I have things, things that I have to do and overcome, it aint enough. After all, we are human, and enough is never good enough for anyone.

It aint about being compared to my other sibling who has the same profession as I do. But like I said, we are all human. She does not work on the weekends, she comes home rite after the official 5.30pm as long as she does her 8 hours. She gets 50% off the gym charges, she gets to sponsor my parents for medical or dental and even optical expenses. And the biggest tsunami to me, she earns more than me. Like a whole lot more.

That makes me feel puny. Like a tiny dot I dont want to be. Nobody has said it to my face, not my parents, no one. But the joy they get when my sister recently sponsored my mom's dental expenses, that was a hit to me.

Oh, and my boss, Mr Zam (names have been changed) knows about this, because he wanted to hire her once, but my sister and I both agreed that we shouldnt mess with each other's playground.

But out of the blue on Monday, he decided to ask me about her. And I guess I just had it when it happened, it's like rubbing salt on my already wounded ego. And I admitted that I am tired and I am thinking. Thinking like a ticking clock about to break and give in to this retaliating anatomy of mine.

But I was bought. He showed me a figure that was never imagined. He said I might get an increment of 60%, now who does that?

Somehow, that made me sweat really. Someone needs me. I am needed. I am appreciated. Not just a someone, but an organization to begin with. They need me. This I thought, is an achievement. He wrote me a figure so big, it was satisfying. Now, let's just wait for that letter so I can put it in my room and it will be my motivation to wake up and go to work.

Damn, it feels real good to be a process engineer, I guess I must be a good one huh, with that fat increment.

Deep inside, my lil heart wished, if only mom and dad will be proud of me.

curious incident in the night

2007-01-25T13:31:00.000+08:00

And they said that a cat has nine lives. At this point I am surely hoping that this is true.

Smeagols was born to us somewhere in 2004. When she was born she had a diarrea and almost uncurable fever along with her other siblings. She was the only one who survived. I stayed almost all nite feeding her milk mixed with a tinge of glucose because she was badly dehydrated.

When I brought her to the clinic, they said that they cant do anything. Her mom wouldnt feed her and apparently kittens have to have 2ml of milk every hour, and I along with my sister Nathra tried our very best keeping up to that.

Yes, she survived with a bad nerve problem. I imagine a kitten, now a cat with parkinson disease. She grew with that. People who had a glimpse of her will turn twice with amusement. Some called her "cacat" or "retarded". I just thought she was special.

Amongst my 8 other cats, I always had her number one on my list.

Yesterday, my dad found her sprawled on the floor, bleeding from face. Nathra woke me up at 11 last nite to tell me that Smeagols bleeding like crazy.

She had her jaw all smashed up, her nose no longer looked like one but more like a pulp. I swear, if you looked at her, you would have cried. Fuck! I'm guessing she met with an accident. But I have pyscho neighbours so I wouldnt be suprises if someone did this to her.

There's no 24 hours vet that I know about. So, we just keep her in, and she survived till morning with no painkiller whatsoever. She's now admitted into UPM vet centre for a diagnose. It's uncertain if they will be able to mend her. I feel like shit today, eventhough I know she's with the doctors, but it's just me, I really hope she's in safe hands. I pray, I hope after the x-ray, they will be able to at least have her jaws in place so she can purr and eat like normal.

Please God, she's one strong cat, she's done it before. I just pray that she'll be a fighter once again and come out of this. I love her, she's my special baby. I just hope she'll be able to come back to us again.

Orgasmic wait

2007-01-23T13:24:00.000+08:00

Anticipation can be a killer, even when you know it's definite. It's like waiting for a certainty that will give all the answers you need to your immediate questions. That's how it's like.

I know I would have it by the weekend, still. My all planned up future is exactly at still waiting for it to come.

Come baby, come to me with that one certainty of which will change my life status for this moment.

My medical romance

2007-01-18T13:25:00.000+08:00

There is a limit on how a tv series can affect someone. Or a fan. I used to think idolizing people virtual characters like take Mawi for instance are for dummies. Like wert??

I know I used to throw statements like "oh, what's that face is so hot!!!, I could eat him/her alive" But that was just an overated statement I usually throw to get eyes rolling at me. Well, here it is not him or her. It's it. A virtual life, or way of life.

It's Grey's Anatomy for me. I think it has to do with the way I spent most of my days. It all started in Penang when I visited the DVD haram sellers, RM4 a piece dude, who wont turn into smugglers at that rate?

And so I got myself sweet Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy and now I'm regretting I never got the Uncut Season 2 as well.

I feel very very attached to Grey herself. Only I dont 48 hours shifts until I'm allowed to go home. It is a blessing that I wasnt smart enough to do medicine. Otherwise the way people are treated in there is somewhat like my work place.

Maybe it's her character. I dont know, something about her that just resembles me, I guess. Oh well, today I booked the whole season 2 from this guy at workplace.

My package gets delivered tomorrow. It's gonna be another medical romance weekend. Yippee!!

Four Grueling Days in Penang

2007-01-12T13:14:00.000+08:00

I made it. I am now, or at least I consider myself to be a true process engineer. It was fun I would say, my first business convention, also my first technical presentation, what only a senior engineer participated in, and dude, I pulled it off!

So here are some re-caps. First day was warm, as in the welcome was good. Having to stay in a suite rated at RM 1400 a nite was overwhelming. I was addressed "mam", which was never the case. And talk about the view I had from my room, I after all needed a vacation. So, all in all, I would say, I deserved it.

A welcome note

I only had six hours on this luxurious crib every nite

And when I'm stressed, this calms me, especially at nite

The one year old consultant

Battle of wits

The PM giving his closing but hey no joke, standing like that, having to face another 61 people in that room just waiting to pound you with words.

After all that tongue tide moments, I made it. I even had people coming up to me saying I did well. Maybe they were being nice. But I swear, I have never thought I would have a stammer, and I did.

It's like being judged. Especially when one of the TCE participant told me off, "your recommendation no. 5 should not be shown on the slide. It's ridiculous." But it doesnt matter because my boss backed me up. There was this one question I single handedly tackled and made this bunch of people just shut the fuck up. For once.

I am back in the office today, just 5 hours of sleep last nite, it's crazy if this is really the life of a process engineer. I guess, if you are crazy in love with your job, then it is all worth it.

Non-Smoker's Dillema: Day 6

2007-01-04T13:27:00.000+08:00

It is almost 6 lucky days, still have the courage to stay without the nicotine sticks a.k.a ciggie a.k.a the cause of almost all sortsa desease.

It's my first experience having to come to starbucks without the customary item, the ashtray and my sticks as well as them lights. My fingers dont smell of that familiar stench no longer. I do admit that I have 3 puffs sometimes, from Pres.

Pres told me it's work that will make me turn to them again, but hey, I am under a whole lot of stress today and hey, I'm doin alright.

Battle no 1 : make sure that pretty, pretty girl who's enjoying her smoke does not get you.
Battle no 2 : I have to accept it if I grow dengan sehatnyer after this
Battle no 3 : it's work that make you go back, pres is right.

Since I will be in Penang, eventhough with my collegues, I have to admit this, I like being alone in my hotel room. The last time when I was on this business trip to Labuan, I played Age of Mythology like 4 hours straight. The time before in Miri, I bought a whole load of VCD haram, and kuaci and had the tv all to my self. Joy oh joy.

I have decided to maybe, present myself with a stick if I survive till Penang. Oh yes, I dont throw my remaining ciggies. Somehow, that box being there will make me not buy more and not start again.

Hopeful looking double o seven

2007-01-04T13:19:00.000+08:00

Monday will be my first real business trip ever. I have been on many, but this time, it surely feels like it.

How will it not?

I will be presenting the capacity check study of Resak OGT to the board of Carigali. And man, that’s big to me or a lot of the engineers out there. And this is not just a ‘bunch’ of people from Carigali, this will be the Carigali Technical Excellence (CTE) team we are talking about. And I would bet this bunch will be better than the project team that keep commenting on petty things to the point they are getting on my nerves.

There’ll be some team building as well and hey, surely sounds like fun, not forgetting the cozy lil nice dinner. Maybe I’m just excited for nothing but this really something to me.

I have another thing I’ve been dying to drop to ya’ll. Looks like it is gonna be a great year ahead after all. With my 3rd wisdom tooth out, I proudly announce that I am a non-smoker. I haven’t had a ciggie ever since Friday. Yes, it’s been erm.. many days to me.

And yes people, Happy New Year. Hope this double 0-7 will do us all some good, like that increment I’m hoping on, like that trip to UK and probably Europe considering the fact it’s gonna be cheaper, thanks to Tony and many more hopes and dreams to fulfill.

Happy New Year ya’ll!!

bummer, the aftermath

2006-12-26T13:40:00.000+08:00

Just three days of beautiful nothings. Last minute indulging of what's left of this blissful holidays - watching Gol & Gincu till almost midnight.

Then today happened. The aftermath.

Sometimes, I wonder, did the holiday did me any good. I woke up having my eyes swollen, a bad throat and not forgetting the anual event of my wisdom tooth trying its best to give me the worst headache cum temper to the point I am about to explode just any minute now.

For three consecutive days, I had the best 11 hours sleep, so I shouldnt be complaining. Man, I dont even wanna be here, at work I mean.

Believe it or not, I woke up today, having to contemplate whether to give in to my wisdom tooth wrath by visiting the nearest tooth fairy cum my kind dentist and seek an appointment with him to just have it out.

My gums are swollen. I have this pain on my right jaw. And finding it hard to look down, you know that feeling when you have begok? Yes, that is it.

Fortunate me had all four them wisdom tooth, I did not find any wisdom in them, except pain and agony I face alone. Plus the extraction cost me RM 350 each. I brought 2 of them, so I have this other two to live with. Oh, lucky me for having this supposedly extra wisdom.

There's only one good thing I am holding onto, the fact that I am left with only 3.5 days to survive before the weekend, then its the holidays again. These holidays does me good, only if they dont make me feel so nauseatic afterwords.

Season's Greetings

2006-12-22T12:58:00.000+08:00

I don’t actually celebrate Christmas, but when you are living in Malaysia, you practically celebrate every celebration that’s there. It’s either the lights decoration in town, or the adverts on TV, or the cards displayed on the shelves and the best, the public holiday that comes with it, it’s like a package you cant avoid. And it’s nothing I’m gonna complain about.

I love being a Malaysian, the beautiful colours, the cultures, the different languages. Everything is so rojak, even the way people speak mah…

Well, I think what I like most about Christmas is the present giveaways. I'm not the receiving end, but I think giving and making suprises can be fun. Yesterday, I bought one for myself. Since the pay is in for the month already, why not?

I got myself the U218 Singles album with fantastic oldies like With or Without You, Mysterious Ways. I'm all jingling happy. I have decided to go shopping again on Christmas day, there's this Gap top that I have been eyeing for more than a month already. So, if it fits me well, I'm getting it.

I strongly believe in this. When you fall in love with something, if it's with a price tag, get it, because not always the things you fall in love with comes with a price tag.

With that, Merry Christmas ya'll. And of course Happy New Year, and Slamat Hari Raya Aidiladha. Pres will be having a lembu korban-ed this year. Ader rezeki lebih, alhamdullilah.

What Life Has To Offer

2006-12-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

I used to live in past. Many months ago, but these days, I dont. Read an article about it in Cleo this month's edition.

These days things are doing it good for me. I no longer feel like the world has put its back on me. I'm not saying that my life is perfect. But it's what that I make most of it. The feeling of happiness. And I get that in every breath I take. Maybe I had my time. Maybe I did time living in a hollow cell.

And finally it is here to embrace me. I dont even know what is it, is it love? Is it stability? Whatever it is, it feels gooood. Finger licking gooood.

Having to know that some people who lost hope and gave up on me once, is amazed when they find out that I came out of it, is priceless. Oh well, it's good to be the pits, now that I am out of it. Besides, life aint about failing, it's about getting up when failure hits you.

I guess there is a recipe to that. Courage with a tinge of boldness and faith. If I had a name for it, it'll called curibofth. Doesnt even sound exotic, but it did me good from where I stand now.

On fours

2006-12-17T22:30:00.000+08:00

It's been 3 years and a month since I've had Aljay. Like Eragon and his dragon, Aljay is my version of Saphirra. He's always been my pride and joy. I've always considered him as my lucky charm, as after 2 weeks of his birth, I met Pres. And I remembered what Pres' pick up line, he said "if you wanna do some modifications with your car, gimme a call" hence the exchange of phone numbers.

Pres did shop rims for Aljay today. It was long due, and having a new look made my Aljay-boy all handsome. Here's pictures I took about 15 minutes ago.

If it's shoes for ladies, it's the rims for Aljay boy

VIP officiating Aljay's new quads of shoes

Well, I think he looks swell. But everyone else had different thought on them, Nathra said it looks horrid. Tasha thinks it looks sporty. Mom wasnt encouraging me into getting them. She said next year I can buy a new car so why waste money on it. Dad gave the usual, "hmm" look, meaning he approves, but that's it.

Firstly, it was Pres' present to Aljay. I was suprised when he called in to ask if I wanna come down to the shop to choose the rims. And selling Aljay, hell NO!! He's worth way more than the amount anyone can offer. Plus, damn those rims looks swell.

I think tomorrow he'll go for a shower and shine, and damn, he's gonna look spanking hot. With that, it's been a great weekend. I wished it will never end.

Happy Munday ppl, hope tomorrow you will find the courage just to get out of bed, because that, I find the toughest to do on a Munday.

Battleship

2006-12-13T19:32:00.000+08:00

For some apparent reason, I was unable to get into the world wide web. And it is frustrating. Almost as if I was denied my venting facilities.

I was gonna write a lil about teamwork. And then probably just let my fingers do it’s writing, which is what I do most of the time.

I’m just gonna go ahead with it on Microsoft Word, and later when I have access, I will update me blog. Oh looks like I aint the only one frustrated here. There’s this other person trying to use Starbucks free facilities. However, disappointed, she left.

So here it goes…

My kinda job environment requires teamwork. Like a football game, it’s got its playmaker, the manager, the strikers, mid fielder, and the other guys. Having said that, you can almost recognize that my knowledge on football works aren’t as accurate as my passion of watching these guys do their thing on the field. But yes, my job’s a bit like the game, or rather war. War requires teamwork as well, if you really wanna win the battle with glory.

You’ve got the lead who’s like the team playmaker, and the captain and he plays defence too, all at one go. No wonder lead engineers easily earn a five figure on monthly basis, excluding overtime, mind you. Five figures meaning not just 10K, we are talking at least 30K here, depending on number of years in service and experience. You’ve got the senior engineers who do what a pro-striker does. He plays defence when he gets the chance, and most of the time, he manage to mould himself into one of them leads, if he acquires passion and interest in taking up the post.

Then, on second line, you have the engineers, the people with 3 years experience or so. This people carry out studies and assist the seniors and lead into achieving their goals. Mind you, it’s the seniors and lead’s goal that they achieve. They are like the infantry units. And the stronger and harder your infantry works, hence better results achieved.

Lastly, you have the substitutes, like me. Less then 3 years experience. All in all, I should only be called now and then to play. But, my mentor treats me like a true engineer, which is why I work never less than 12 hours. I’m not considered as a fresh substitute but you get them, every time the company decides to hire freshies.

When one of your team mates gets banged, you feel the impact. You try your best to do whatever it is to help one another. When he/she stays in writing reports during meal times, you offer to get them a quick bite from Cold Storage. Now, that’s teamwork in process engineering or the other disciplines too. I try to be a cheerleader too at times, often a mascot. Just to have some laugh in a stressful environment. I try my best to help my mentor, who’s the lead for the current project, just so that he wont throw P&IDs to my other team mates.

In fact, today I screwed up a particular calculation. I owned up to it, and rectified the problem. Explaining to him was the hard bit, but to my surprise, he didn’t get mad. Must be my lucky day.

I’m gonna let you in on a secret, with all this hard work, I don’t think I want to work my way up to becoming a lead. The stress is just too much for me to handle up there. I’d rather be given a study to carry out and I will come up with the concept and solution to it. Besides, what am I to do with 30K every month? The amount of shopping load is just too heavy to bare.

Then again, I can always hire someone to carry all that baggage for me now, cant I?

It’s almost 2pm, marks the end of my lunch break. Back to the battlefield again.

Spellbinding

2006-12-12T20:21:00.000+08:00

The music is almost deafening. In the background you hear loud knocking of bowling pins getting nailed. But that doesnt bother you at all.

Truth is, you hear the words in your head. Spelling it out is not a problem. And here I am alone, yet I feel like I'm speaking to you personally as I type the words out, as if I am having a chat with you.

The crowd yells as some alec manage to score a strike. But that doesnt bother me. The words keep coming.

Truth is when I am with you, I feel like I own the world. Like there's no boundaries. Like I can say anything. Anything at all, and nothing offends you. And with you comforting silence, I hear you. And all my problem for the day is gone. My aching eyes feel the warmth with your soothing voice. Truth is, you make me feel like the world is at the tap of my fingers.

When the whole world has turned its back on me, here you are still. Anticipating for my return.

It's when I feel completely lost in you, that I find myself. Whole again.

Passion.

Is what I feel for you.

Turning green

2006-12-12T19:15:00.000+08:00

Normally when I have nothing good to say to someone or I just dont fancy getting chummy chummy with someone, I act like it. I show it. I'm not one of them patronising hypocrites.

And so I do the same everywhere else. It was something my dad just told me. If you have nothing nice to say to someone, so shut your gap. Of course he didnt put it that way. But I get the point.

But what if in all that silence you still get one of this muthafuckers coming to you with mean remarks. It's as if I had the sign "if you are a motherfucker, then come and have a chat with me".

See this is my office. Nope, micro that, my department. I dont see why all the other departments are fine and rocking it. My department is filled with mat kuchengs to begin with. The only reason I stay on is because I love my job and my mentor has been great to me. I just think this is pure jealousy.

I'm thinking, rather than all that queer remarks, I'd rather have them come up to me and say it to my face. Admit it. "I'm jealous". And it will all be over.

So what do you do when someone says:

2006-12-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

"Saya teruja menunggu results combined cooler power" with penuh suara horny right at the back of you?

Now lemme think of remarks or reply to that one...

1 - Saya pun teruja membuat exercise ini
2 - Saya rasa awak seorang yg psycho dan menakutkan kerana awak teruja dgn benda process engineering ini
3 - Woi, giler ke apa?
4 - Try saying that in English, I swear you are sick. That's a sick thought.
5 - or diam buat tak dengar
6 - laugh out loud!

And I chose option number six, because:

1 - He's my boss
2 - Damn, that's like the weirdest thing to ever say.
3 - I was being nice but still amused by just the thought of it.
4 - That is the fastest comeback I can think off.
5 - (this is embarassing to admit) but I was imagining stuff, you know how my imagination can just run wild.

Whatever it is, me laughing made him retrieve and return to his lair (his office).

Whatever it is, he's damn nice to actually write Fuel Gas Study report for me.

Story 2:
Last nite before I slept, I had a five minute thought on mb again, as if he brushed through my mind for a second. You know you are so over that guy when you dont check up on him on a daily basis. I dont check up on him these days, ever. Pres was right about it. I just needed closure. Eventhough the last time I met him, we never spoke, but seeing him like that, the fact that he never changed. People move on. But this guy just never forgave I guess. And the biggest thing is my thought about him. It changed. He's not so much of that "great guy" after all. I used to think he was made of steel. To think about it, I havent met enough people to come up with that justification. And today I have. And they are all nice to me. I wonder sometimes, what they see in me over all the rest.

Because I am just a complicated girl stucked with life to cope with.

I wake up feeling great these days. Confident. Blessed. With everything I could ever asked for. I asked my boss about the project. When it will be over. He said it will be in June. And so, that's when you guys will get my card afterall. The wedding bells will ring not far from June I guess. Love is agony. I thought finding the ONE was hard. I guess staying forever as ONE is tougher.

Fear Factor

2006-12-06T13:14:00.000+08:00

I learnt something new about myself. It was a first time encounter. Two minutes stucked in a jerking lift did it all for me on Monday. Oh ma Gad! I thought I was gonna die. I swear I was on the ground. Trying to hold the walls of the lift as if I was Spidergirl or something.

How often can anyone experience this? Getting stucked in a lift. Eventhough, it never came tru my mind before this, and eventhough I was not alone. There was this other guy, but still.

It was horror.

Anyway, I found something new to try out. And I'd tell you in a month or two if it's a success.

Till then guys...

Walking with head down

2006-12-02T15:33:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I say stupid things.

Think of stupid things.

Over analyse stuff.

Anger venting its called.

Yesterday's blog is just one of them examples.

Most of the time, I'm level headed.

And so I'm sorry for it. I am after all the highest order of all complications. At least I have the gutts to admit it.

:)

I wanna be an aligator

2006-12-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

It's been a year since the day I am an employee at where I work. And truthfully, behind all that chaos and pressure at work, its been a pleasure. Working here somehow brings my up my confidence. I walk in and out the doors like I own the world. And the day I manage to complete a task and submit it, the feeling of it is priceless.

Today my mentor got so hyped up by the word "Algorithm". Yes, remembered it from his uni days. He says it sounds like "aligator". Personally, these things about him amazes me. I think it's cute.

Tomorrow signifies 3 years of relationship with pres. It is the longest relationship I had ever. Before I met him, I started believing that the problem is me. I still do but I dont care.

To tell you the truth I am not feeling really good at the moment. If I could kill anyone it would be him. I am so angry and furious at the moment that ending the almost 3 years relationship with him would make me feel good. It is not like I havent had other offers in between, eventhough they know I have him.

Im thinking here, does that make them idiots or make me an idiot for not accepting the offer.

Today I feel used. I feel like shit. I feel like doing something I could have done but refrained myself from.

I am so pissed off. There's this guy in my office who looks exactly like Bernard Chandran. Oh, he's just a supper hottie. Thing is, he is a client. From Petronas. And I took the lift with him but never said hi. Hi is usually not a problem, but with this guy, it is. He caught me smoking the other day, we looked but never uttered a word.

Maybe I should the next time.

To the Godfather

2006-11-30T13:48:00.000+08:00

Okay, maybe what I said about my mentor was harsh.

His attitude suprises me these days. He doesnt shout as much, not at me at the least. And he has distibuted work evenly at this point. He has done everything I put on this blog a couple of weeks ago, I swear if I have this feeling he reads my mystery blog here. And that is a freak out!

But people did tell me once I over-analyse things. Maybe I should just think good about him and accept the fact that he after all, in that macho, hard-core, heartless disguise of his, has a kind heart.

Anyways, I appreciate the fact that he does not chase me but trust me with work now.

Which is what I need to motivate myself to go on. Thank you.

merah, semerah darah

2006-11-30T13:23:00.000+08:00

You know you are getting old.

You mature. Eventhough the wrinkles on your face dont really show when you smile. You know it. Time is getting you.

My sister along with my cousin planned a road trip. She was kind enough to invite me. On a normal basis, I would simply be exicted enough to say yes. But this time. Not this time.

I even discouraged her saying its bad weather and she plans to go up to Camerons and well, with all that rain. Plus recently this bus crashed killing 3 people on the way down from Genting, it's just a freak-out for me.

Nevertheless, I was never so conscious about anything, really. Not even the way I look. Okay maybe that's a lie. But still.

What is wrong with me? I manage to talk her out of it.

But later the question hit me. I'm getting old and boring, kan? Sadly, the answer to that is yes.

Cinta. I think it would be something Malaysian that is worth watching after Sepet and Gubra. The producer is still an enigma. But I have the idea that he/she is a copycat of Yasmin Ahmad. But it still interest me to watch it. And so I will over the weekend.

Blogging. Such restrictions has been put on bloggers. I come to think it started because of some phony idiot decided to create a riot by putting up something racial. See, now the whole wide web has to suffer from it. That pisses me off. I just wanna vent. It is my blog, it's not like I insult anyone here, so piss off!

The Sun. Is the only paper I read these days and restriction on blogging really seem like e personal attack. Back on The Sun. It's free and not-so-thick like The Star plus it's always or rather usually delievered in time so I can get a glimpse of what's goin on before I start working. Because at this rate I'm going, I swear I feel like a katak di bawah tempurung.

Report. Is what I did all week. And it's still not done with. Goddamnit. My eyes are swollen from thinking and writting a bunch of words just so that the clients from Petronas will comprehend because if there's an idiot out there, I look at them as worst of the terrible. Just this project team. Why cant they put their feet on the ground and bloody accept what they have agreed on earlier? Sod-off! Urghh!

And so, that's it for today.

Complains of an orang tengah marah and mata bengkak tak ingat dunia tapi still surviving and trying hard to satisfy you idiots yang still tak paham paham pasal basis. Lepas ni kalau tak paham jugak, ntahlah, aku give up!

malaysian rejects - dirty lil secret

2006-11-25T21:20:00.000+08:00

Press has got himself e new Acer today. I'm not sure what he's gonna call it. But I am happy with Schneider. He's a gift or rather an investment Press threw out for me for my career development. He loaned it to me at first but now that he's got his own, Schneider if officially mine. Or at least I assume it, I do realise that assumptions are the mother to all fuck ups, really. But I cant help it. I am an engineer. That is all its based on. The basis are assumptions to begin with, that slowly, with time and itteration evolve to results.

Yes, tell me about it, it's a bunch of junk.

I cant help it. It's a Saturday and I did work for 5 bloody hours which I will charge to my OT. Thank God for the RM 12.70 an hour. That's my hourly rate. Damn I sound like e bloody prostitute. But hell, I cant help it.

I'll let you in e dirty lil secret today. You know I am so serious at work. Meaning, almost all the time, except the time when Press comes to pick me up, and that is just a mere hour e day before I close my eyes to sleep. Point is, I am tired of being miss prim and serious because it scares a whole lot of people apart from myself, so I'm gonna just be miss 'whatever' here.

I watched porn today. And damn I got hooked up. It must be work stress.

Yea, like whatever.

It's e Saturday, and here I am at Low Yat plaza. Told you, we just got ourself e second notebook. Yea, we are like the super-savy couple. If you saw us, you'd think we're super-savy. But I think we are real geeky. And it even rhymes.

I'm gonna cut myself lose now, because I think I'm freaking you lot as well.

Whatever guys, it's a Saturday, I either go home and:

1- Watch more porn, then hit the toilet.
2- or... Watch Supernatural, then hit the toilet thinking about Dean from it.

The butterfly effect

2006-11-24T13:59:00.000+08:00

When we were students - the thought for the moment or day would be:

- staying in tonight?
- place? what are gonna where?
- seeing someone?
- ohmagad, he asked you out? (screeeeeaaaaam!!)
- what's that cute guys name again?

and for the special friday tribute, it'll be - weekend plans?

Now when we are all adults working, or rather being in a situation where you mingle with these adults (and yes, I regard myself as e kid, more like a teen caught in the body of e 25-year old engineer - damnit!), your hear people around you talking a different language altogether.

And you are naturally forced to take part. It's like Heat Transfer's natural convection process.

Investment.

That's their thing. How to grow money on trees. Where to dump that 100K savings and its calculated risk doin it. Fast cash. ASB loans. Swissbanking return. UbuyUsell catalogs.

To think about it, it is all money here, money there. And with the lil I have to scavenge off, after paying my car installment, credit card debts, and soon the insurance, what's left is what's left of me. Myself to take care of, my food and my clothes. Thank God I still live with my parents.

It's all about the dung-didi-dung dung. Keching! It's all about the money innit? Or is it really? Money the factor to life?

What happened to love and passion and family? And time?

I am actually sickened by the idea of working already, to tell you the truth. It's disgusting. I know it can be such an ego boost, especially if you are doing well, but seriously, is this all we seek for till the day we walk tru the valley of death?

To make things worst, I have been converted by natural convection to become one of them. The adults. I will commit myself to e property just for investment sake. And this I have decided, will commence at the beginning of 2007. This will by God's willing take place after the increment.

Amin.

And yes, it took me 3 years of working experience to get here.

Being an annoying bitch is what I do outside of work

2006-11-23T13:36:00.000+08:00

The name is Bond. James Bond.

Now normally that's how it begins. But this time it ended this way. Not so much a 007 fan, but it's just something you have to do. Watch I meant.

For those who dont want to. Dont. For those who went. Well, it's something you have to do, like I said earlier.

The only thing I liked about it besides him coming off the water with minimal clothes on, was the torturing. Call me a sadist, watever, but I think torturing is art really. Going tru it is not. But something fictional like this, I can handle.

Here I am again on a non-Friday. Most probably will again tomorrow, but heck, it satisfies me to write all this gibberish that comes tru my mind. For once, pour out, an emotional blowdown valve, if you have done some safety control.

I come to realise this, what I do at work is almost geeky, and the worst thing about it is that I enjoy it. Being a geek. Being a smart ass, being annoyingly intimidating.

But the whole truth about it, let me tell this. You have lack of friends. And people always have this idea, a smart-ass is often related to the word "kiasu".

Now they have got it wrong. You come to me for advice, I will help. The thing is I dont have time. Bloody hell, to explain and teach you the whole process to it. I have a week's worth of work I have to submit in on Monday, now you tell me, do I have time to teach you?

I am not - not willing to, I just cant. And so I give you a copy of the exercise I've done in my past and expect you comprehend it. Accompanied by the reference that will enhance your knowledge, is that not enough?

Apparently not for this superior who always has something sarcastic to say, like "you are not in my project, so I aint teaching you". Now that's kiasu. Like "boss awak belum balik tau" when I am about to leave the office. Like heck, I leave because I'm done for the day, not because my boss is not around so I decide to fong-fei-kaei.

Too bad I'm my mentor's jewel of the gems. Too bad he teaches me all he can. And I can tell you why he choses me above all. Because I get things done. Because I add the extra mile to the effort put in. Because I take pride in what I do.

So, now you tell me, is it not fair, you jerk?

Now why dont you take pride and train this apparentice of yours, instead of pushing her to an intermidiate like me, besides I dont carry the Ir. title like you do.

Bomb - a four letter word now

2006-11-17T13:44:00.000+08:00

"you're a bomb".

Try saying that to some guy on the street, bet you'll get the same response, unless of course you said it in a manner that will not turn anyone on. Or you are a guy yourself and in for a punch-out.

Say that after sex and you might just be able to get lucky again.

Now, take a flight to that dream destination and say just the word "bomb". If you are lucky, you might be slapped with a Sing. Dollar 10000 fine. An Aussie fella took a flight to Indonesia, and he was slapped with such because he asked "now, where do I keep my bomb?" to e flight attendant. Out of joke guys...you know that is my highlight out of the whole Sun paper I read today, besides the Mongolian case.

Bombed. Shot prior to that.

See how it relates? When I came to comprehend what was going on, because the title "Ditembak, diletup" never could relate (in my mind) to the fact that, that was the manner one could get themselves killed. Shot. Stabbed. Choked to death while having sex. Yes, after norita's case. But Shot and Bombed, into tiny lil pieces so that your brain segments just flies and your DNA undetected if stumbled upon after a year (perhaps). That's outta the world, outrageously "mind blowing". And by that I meant it literally.

Seriously, how could anyone walking on this planet have the heart to carry out such act on another being, be it a lil cat to start with, apatah lagi another person. Giler ke apa? Orang Batak (no offence, batak people) pun tak segiler tuh.

By the way, my mentor sent me pictures of her (the mongolian deceased) while she was doin her thang as a model. The message below that said "she's hot". Okay, he's weird. So damn weird, because he's always shouting at me, sending me vibes like I'm just the biggest idiot when it comes to design (read previous posts), and now he's sending me mails like that?!!!

Like "wert??!!"

Now this act is the same as saying the four letter word whilst boarding Flight-22.

There's a place and time for everything, and this is just aint it boy.

box of chocolate

2006-11-14T13:39:00.000+08:00

I realise that these days it is not really to find someone, or rather a friend you can hang out with. I'm not saying that I dont have friends, just that I'm always busy when they are not and vice versa. And it's painful, considering the fact that my life revolves around my friends really. I dont have many friends, but the ones I have a truly the best of gems.

I recently met this couple, more like people I know, from my boyfriend. I never really considered these two friends because we never really hanged out together, having a laugh or anything like that sort.

And then, since my precious boyfriend insisted, I accompanied him to meet his friends. These two meaning the "American Couple" to some of you knows who I meant.

And to my utter suprise, I felt good afterwards. It was a great pleasure. I never had suce fun company in the longest time. I'm thinking that we should get together again, maybe the next weekend or something.

It is amazing to find that there are still similarities in our differences.

So.. why do I blog again?

2006-11-09T13:47:00.000+08:00

When I'm feeling down, like how i have been feeling really for the past week now, and probably no one to really talk to besides Pres (my fiance) is the world wide web.

So - me feeling down has really got to do with career plus me being such an emotional twat. Seriously, sometimes I wished I had a stick in between my legs so I wont get constant emo breakdown, I mean like, how men do it? Just walk around having no feelings or sorrow, everything is cool. Or at least they have the best way not show how they feel.

My sister recently got a job that pays 500 bucks more than me, who works like a dog, even on the weekend and then get shouted at by my boss because I made mistakes. And why I made those mistakes, bcause tell me people, are you able to work straight after working the normal 8 hours one should put in at work, on a normal day, and then having to work the extra 4 more. and still this doesnt satisfy him??

I work fucking 12 hours on normal basis, and by that i mean like on days I have to go do my laundry. On days I dont have anything important to do, I work like 14 hours a day... it's crazy.

Ok, tell me it sounds like the movie or book "The Devil Wears Prada", and then try living it, day by day. The thing is I love what I do, but man... when I put my heart and soul in it, and it's just aint enough, it's really frustrating. It's like I'm married to my job and the man is not satisfied eventhough I give him 4 times a night?! At least in marriages they these things called a "divorce" for the unresolved.

But the things is, I know if I go anywhere else, I wont be doing the things I'm doing now, learning the stuff I am, having the best mentor around. ANyway, it is increment time around the corner, the self-appraisal is out, but I swear I havent the time to even look and go tru it.

I'll just wait till then, and then maybe... just maybe... it will be worth all the pain. Anyhow, I feel better. I dont hate my job, or the boss, just that I want probably a pet on my shoulder, saying "well done, girl..."

So that's why I still keep my blog. Damn I feel good, back to work again.

The test

2006-10-19T19:45:00.000+08:00

Yes, I have been in silence for almost a month now.

This year's fasting month really put me to a test. I dont think I have ever been tested like this.

Without coffee and the sinful ciggies it was really hard to get on with my work. It has been so hectic, I had a row with the boss which turned into, well horror.

Having a tall cuppa coffee and the cajun chicken dome for buka puasa, I'm good to go back to work again for another hour or two, till I'm fully drained to the point, I dont feel hungry or be able to face food after that.

I wake up at 5am, eat my sahur, thank god for mom. She prepares the food for me, nevertheless, I still feel the drag just to get off my crib. After the 10 minutes meal, I'd rush to the toilet, have my smoke, mandi and get dressed for work.

Then the usual, hectic routine of mine starts. Till about 10pm and I'm home again. It's crazy how my days pass me by. But on the 15th, I'd be fully loaded when everyone else is almost dry. I have been doing OT like mad.

And so that is my life. I havent had the time to go out shopping. I work every weekend, even the Sundays. And just about my Sunday became free for me, I went out shopping, and guess what happened? I got my brand new N73 nicked off me.

And so that will be my story till probably mid of next year, when the MLTTB project comes to an end. Lets hope all that OT money will provide me with a decent lil tie-ing the knot ceremony. And yes, you will all be invited, no matter where in the world you'd be.

Till after raya and deepavali, Happy Deepa-raya ya'll!!

Serenity

2006-09-15T13:57:00.000+08:00

Sleep baby... sleep

Wedding bells, golf and the unrelated

2006-09-08T13:43:00.000+08:00

Wedding bells clanged again, only this time with the sound of kompang banging in the background. Another cousin got married, with Abang Aid's name being striked-out, that makes Nadia first on Nenek Mona's wedding list.

Abang Aid is a year older than I am, and having to see him take that akad, made me shed tears. I was never closed to him despite our age gap. Maybe because it was him being a "him" and all.. okay, I know that sounds lame, but I was always shy when I am around the boys. For someone who did not have a brother and coming from a convent, it was only natural that I act that way. But after UK, I somewhat changed a lil bit, thanks to my mates.

Anyway, back to Abg Aid's wedding. The fact that I am next did not only stir the gitters in Pres and I but also my dad. Oh yes, my dad! He always shyed off family things like this one. But on Aid's akad, there he was sitting almost next to Aid himself. And he even did the "tepung tawar" thingy during the "sanding".

I dont really know how to talk about emotions, but feeling that moment, that akad moment. That sanding moment. Where my uncle cried saying the prayer, that was something. Maybe I felt scared. Maybe I was imagining myself sitting there on the pelamin. It just brought tears to my eyes.

And golf. Pres has been so crazy for golf these days. He eats, drink, sleep hugging his golf bag. Not literally, but man if only he could huh? Between golf and I, ranking wise, I'm after the other. So you get the picture.

Now this is a normal conversation with a cousin of his (just to prove that golf comes after Nadia):
Cousin : Ko nih hari-hari berdating ngan gofren ko ye?
Pres: ... eh, macam maner ko tau aku skang ni main golf?

Well, that just said it there. The only relationship I have with "golf" is the Stunning Red Polo Golf GTI by Volkswagen. Yummie dont you think?

Feel Good Inc.

2006-08-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

Long time since I've written on the fun stuf.

I felt a lil stressed up from not having a good night out, and so I decided that it was a call for that.

Oh, for Sherry who used to accompany me, guess wert dude?? Errie Naham, the bass player from NRG that I was totally ga-ga over IS BACK!!! But I swear that dude needs some new clothes.

He cant go on having his performances wearing that grey Nike Basketball all the time!! They had some new numbers, keeping up with the fast moving music, and man, they rock. Like they always do. However, the chick with the big-hair is out of the band.

Tasha is back now, a whole week already. And somehow, even though I do not know what to chat to her about, or lack of time at home, the family is complete. Felt like whole again. Been helping her a lil bit on the job hunting bit. I do hope the best for her. The market seems good at the moment and I think it's good to make the best of it.

Not so fun stuf:
I got promoted from contract staff to permanent staff recently. And of course that comes with a bit of ego boost. Been 8 months and he, En Zam 'permanenised' me. For someone with high expectations and with the 1 year period for the upgrade, I managed to beat that period. I think I did well the minute I beat his 45 minutes timing on me calculating the Pressure Drop.

Life is going good for me, like extremely good. It has never been before. I do have a feeling this has got to do with Pres' presence in my life. Without the support from him, I probably wont be as content as I am today.

Now, the 'M' issue... sometimes, I did wish I had the guts to go up to my mom and just drop it to her.. "mom, i think time is up, I need to get knot tied". My friend whom I thought about sex is married. C'mon man... maybe this is killing me. Life is hectic and stressed up, a lil *&^ would probably de-stress me. And I feel kinda old already.

My time is up now, I have to go back to my cube and do my thang. Not so bad now, since the boss is a lil lightened up these days, life at work is fun. Sometimes I create stuf to do at work, just to be in the office on Saturdays.

Go on... tell me, I'm a geek, or I probably have a 'thing' for my mentor... but fret not, it's just a crush, not like I faint everytime we talk...

Take care dudes, signing off for now...

N.N.D.

2006-07-14T13:15:00.000+08:00

the initials. of three sisters, the charmed ones?

the purpose of today's blog is to express how proud I am of my sister who made it as the youngest most intelligent and beautiful member of the family.

My sister Tasha graduated with a master's degree in Chemical Engineering at the age of 21, after having won the Ross Prize from the University of Birmingham on Monday. She manage to make all of us proud by having her name N. NAJMIE DEVARAJAH printed on the wall of fame in the school of Chem Eng this year.

Man... my lil kid sister, God. She's one hellavu freakin genuiz. She's like the only Malaysian who made it on that board. And by God, that board will probably be there for the next 100 years to come.

I thought that having ones name on that board is like a dream and Tasha made it. Damn that devil.

Tash, I'm so proud of you. Mom and dad too. Take care and God bless.

on the move

2006-07-08T04:30:00.000+08:00

fast track.

Monday, 8am : Fly to K.K. Attend meeting and P&ID and document collection at PCSB Sabah

Tuesday, 8am : Continue with document search and collection

Tuesday, 4pm : Fly to Labuan.

Wednesday, 8am : Labuan Gas Terminal Site Visit and Site Verification

Wednesday, 7pm : Fly to back KL

Wednesday, 10pm : Back at home (yea, like finally!)

Thurday, 7am : Back in my cubicle at work.

Tell me how crazy this week has been. All my life, this is the first time I took a flight for 3 consecutive days non stop.

I need my treasured 12-hours sleep. It's been a hectic hectic week, I havent really got time to just take to a long breath of relief. Still at work, now working on another project, trying to meet the dateline for today's submission.

I need the claim and ovetime money, plus all the priceless experiences I have gained. As a compensation for the savings I presented my parents. I guess money out for a good cause, money will come back 10 times the amount I gave. At least I believe so.

It'll keep me goin for now...

money and yummy-assed footie players are all a girl need to be happily satisfied

2006-07-01T05:10:00.000+08:00

Lack of sleep.

Overworked. Both mentally and physically.

A lot of footie entertainment.

Travelling and working both at one go.

A perfect balance? Probably seems so, but damn, I havent been living an active lifestyle like so in... ages?

I have to admit this. I am tired.

Running away from the realm seems like the best thing to do now on a perfect Friday afternoon while the blokes do their Friday prayers.

Feeling a lil bit excited but hopeful at the same time tomorrow comes in like a hellavu suprise to me. I signed up to take part in the badminton tornument by my company. Havent done that in ages. I had a lil bit of hectic practice just to give out shots, and yea... turned to be.. hmm not bad, not bad at all.

I got myself a pair of shoes, a nike drifit T and a wristband. It never occur to me that a lil piece of cloth had its purpose in life. To wipe out the sweat of my forehead. Rite... bet you didnt know that as well?

I realised that with all this technical knowledge that I have absorbed, I lost my skills to pour out my thoughts. So, mind the bad writting and unwitty mind.

Life's pretty hectic at the moment. I have become very much money driven, I'm afraid. My sister's graduating with a perfect 2:1 and I have decided to scavenge every penny I saved for marriage to send my parents for her graduation.

I have decided to give back what's given to me. I'm broke. And off any wedding excitement I had all this while. Sometimes, it's just easy if I could just do a small reception at home and invite just a handful of people.

It came to mind that, is it so hard, for two people who are very much in love and care for each other as much as they care for themselves (or more) to live together as one? It's quite frustrating when I think about it.

I'm not sad but miserable. Because everything seems like it's so far out of reach. When you havent found the 'one', you cry about not find him/her. Now, you've got it, yet it's just so hard.

The responsibilities. The sacrifice. But if I start comparing, there are a hell lot of other people who'd feel worst than I am. So, I try to live it like a perfectly normal person would. I never did complain about it prior to this blog, in fact I feel happy that I am able to help my parents out with whatever I have.

Maybe there is something waiting out there... but I'm not gonna hope for it. I think there are far more better things to hope for, that wont affect me if it didnt happen.

Like Argentina winning against Germany tonite.
Like Reduan and I grabbing to Mix Double cup tomorrow in the badminton tornument.

To jump or not to jump

2006-06-10T05:07:00.000+08:00

is the question I have been thinking for the past week... or almost.

With extra 200 bucks in my pocket, is really worth all that "starting all over again in another company"... here's why not to:

1 - I'm on my 6th month at my current working place, another 6 and I will have probably an increment of at least 400 bucks to cope with, with the lifestyle and marriage savings I'm investing on...

2 - I kinda like working here, before the existance of the sr engineer I was talking about.

3 - He's not so bad now.. ever since I told him I'm at my learning curve and all that sarcastic remarks from him didnt do me good.

4 - Seems like I'm learning a hell lot here than I have anywhere else previously.

5 - I have good friends and buddies I can actually hang out with.

6 - I dont really want to leave Ziana, the draughtsgirl who cares a lot about me.

7 - I must admit, I am afraid of "starting all over again".

8 - It wont look good on my CV because I have already worked in 3 companies in this 3 years after I started out as a fresh. Damnit! tell me about it already...

9 - This place actually thought me to be patient because I naturally had to cope with stress.

Here's why I should jump:

1 - Why not?

2 - It's a Multinational company.

3 - It's the No. 1 engineering design consultant in Malaysia at the moment.

4 - It's got a good mix of people of all nationalities and races (which is the point that sounds encouraging)

5 - The projects they are involved in are not only based in Malaysia but everywhere else.

6 - Just having the name of this organization on my CV will make me worth like a million bucks (for future use if I were to work in the UK)

7 - People will acknowledge what I do when I give them the answer to the "so you are attach to which company?" question - it's a very popular and prospective organization.

I dont know... pros and cons and I still cant make my mind up... it's almost 70-30 that I will jump. But I'd probably break my mentors heart, after all that he thought me, my CV certainly dont look empty for someone with only 6 months of experience.

It's true what "salamander the curve" said... life's just tough. But I must add "and scary.."

So, jump I will?

if i might just start...

2006-06-03T04:30:00.000+08:00

BITCHING!

Oh ma Gad. I had it till up here and I aint taking no more.

I have been assigned to work with this Snr. Engineer and man, I cant tolerate him. He's this old guy from India and the nerve...

I think along with me I have like everyone else under me who cant and will not tolerate him.

Urghhh... there goes my Friday....

blurry

2006-05-28T08:30:00.000+08:00

I have not the slightest idea what I am about to say here today. This is written at my cubicle with the help of my faithful friend, Schneider.

The Da Vinci Code (the movie) was probably a flop. As in not up to the expectation of the public.
As expected.

Like I once pointed out that my favourite author, Paulo Coelho said that he would never agree to sell the rights to make a movie out of his book The Alchemist. He strongly believe that no movie maker or producer can beat the movie that goes on in the reader’s mind. Which makes everyone one of us a movie maker.

I can go on and on, on what I think of Da Vinci Code, the movie, but I don’t want to sound like one of them movie critics. That’s just being a plain no-sport. Good efforts were made to produce the movie, it’s just that it was not up to ‘the movie’ I made whilst reading the book back in 2005 (kot).

I had fun that nite though. Like I said I went out with my colleagues and man, that was probably good fun I have had in days? I suppose after Friday, the 19th of May, I manage to prove my theory wrong, and now, that workmates can be your hang out buddy. Just lose it and let the fun flow.

One Utama’s free internet wireless service is a fraud. I swear, I was cheated trying to get hooked onto the net last Sunday. And so the statement. I don’t care what you say, it’s true. I think I will stick to my Great Eastern Starbucks wireless provider Timenet.

I have discovered recently that I have low blood pressure, which explains the urge to just faint at work. The doctor said, “unfortunately nadia, low blood pressure is something you just have to learn to cope with. We can treat people with high blood pressure, but yours, you just have to adapt to it. Try moving slowly.”

And my response to that “errrr…”

Tell me the world is going crazy or rather, I am. Going nuts.

Yankee Doodle left its mark

2006-05-22T22:15:00.000+08:00

I today came across my doodling from my First year Heat Transfer notes while using it for work today (oh yes, my old battered notes came to its use, finally – besides the fact that they made my grades)

Amused, I blushed whilst reading the things I wrote. The things... I started writing way back then, from the day one I learnt about the secret book aka the Black book of mine. Way before anyone knew we’d have a private yet public journal – weblog.

I used to have this close friend back in my uni days who’d go for lectures not for the sake of learning but more for the fact that we’d have the opportunity to write little notes and giggle to ourselves at the back of the class.

Those were the days when I had just found my first love. The days where my notes will be filled with doodling of his name left, right, centre of the paper. The days when I was naïve and so full of anticipation of the ‘unknown’ future. Where anything goes. When I was careless yet conscious. You remember those days??

Being amused and ashamed to myself was one thing. Having your boss go through it and stumble on them by accident is another.

Yes, he did. But somehow, I manage to sorta pull it away from him. What you expect me to do? Say “oh that was how I was during lectures. I never listened, I had my own lecture going on back then – about boys”

However, I shared this valuable gibberish with another colleague of mine who studied at UMIST. He admitted that he was too, like me, suka sangat conteng lecture notes dgn benda yg takdak kena mengena dgn lecture. He was telling me how he’d draw the Malaysian flag accompanied with an airplane by its side on his notes. I agreed softly in my heart – been there, done that.

Another thing I realized was how patronized and ONE all of us were back then. We were all like one big family, the Asian students who studied overseas. It did not matter if we were from Indonesia, Singapore or back home, we were all so united. It was hard to concentrate on studies while trying so hard to forget that my heart was left miles and miles away.

Somehow, I made it! Yeay, proud lil me.

Things at work have been going well. I am running on the track to where I’ve always wanted to get myself to.

But still…

That does not take away the fact how the nonsense (back then) I wrote down on my lecture notes actually meant a lot to me today – after five long years.

Work enigma

2006-05-18T05:01:00.000+08:00

I have learnt to make my collegues my friends. That's odd. Once you are working, you would understand the fact that collegues ant really be hang out buddies. Why? Because people usually have a double identity thingy. I sometimes do too. I aint want my workmates to think I'm some crazy daredevil wacko. Which is who I am truly are.

None of my collegue here at my new job know the existance of my blog or friendster watsoeva.

But somehow, I am proud that there are one or two 'cool' people here I can or probably will call friends. Will be going to watch a movie with them on Friday.

Truth is I think this is something big. Really big. I dont know why, call me lame.. whatever, but yes, I feel happy that I will probably make friends with people of the same wavelength as I am.

Maybe I shouldnt be too picky on friends.

P/S: Today is "teachers day" - so says Hitz.fm's Morning Crew this morning. I would like to extend my gratitude to my mentor.. "En. Zam*, Happy Teachers Day. Eventhough you made me calculate the total discharge pressure of a firewater pump yesterday within 45mins, I still dont hate you. I see the unsaid fact that I'm your favorite and that you have very very high expectations on me. What I hope is that I am able to at least achieve half of you expect out of me. Thank you. I slept well last nite, by the way."

*Names have been changed for confidentiality sake. Yea yea, like it matters.

let the picture speak for itself

2006-05-15T04:28:00.000+08:00

This is what I've been up to while you were sleepin bloggie....

Dream catching..

Cousin bonding (tell me I look like one of em too)

In granny La'la house in Woodlands yesterday.. Kenet is my fav out all her 8 felines

Baby getting down to his bit of dream catching while dating..

Minutes before I posted this picture blog..."killing 2 birds with one stone"

My toy and I

2006-05-10T04:25:00.000+08:00

And so I'm finally back.

No internet in the office, that's okay... because we got ourself a fantalastic Acer machine that gets me connected to the world wide web via the wireless broadband here at Great Eastern mall. Best thing is, it's free!! Woohoo!!

And so I can back to business.

Life is pretty hectic at the moment. I saw my Time plus sheet today, it's a sheet that tells when I signed in and out of of the office... my average working hours is 10 hours per day for last week. Yes, I am serious about getting my dreams.

I finished the Operating Manual (OPM)s compilation for three offshore platform last and am pretty proud about being able to submit it in time. I had a month to do it and to tell you the truth, while I was at it I thought I'd never get it done.

That's pretty much the boring stuff about me at the moment.

What else is going on, I'm afraid, nothing much, oh there was the bit I where Darren came down from Singapore and we all had a great weekend at the Zouk in KL. The last time I went clubbing was like what? When I visited Birmingham in Autumn.

Now I'm going back to surf on the other bloggies I missed whilst I was away. Take care dudes, till the next episode...

Now and Then

2006-04-12T09:50:00.000+08:00

Currently:
Stucked in a really really noisy cyber cafe which has more individuals playing network games than smart surfing (chewah macam I'm doing that).

Dying to have a kacang merah pau from Darussalam, my fav hang out.

Was Missing:
Due to the limited (almost nil) internet access at work, because some smart ass broke into the server and well did some things they shouldnt.

What's up?:
1- Been to the offshore. Came back safe, still in 'one' piece only with a tan I didnt really need. Fun. Really. Hectic but fun.

2- Attended my cousin Rai's wedding last weekend. She happens to be just 5 days older than I am. So that reminds me, when the hell am I gonna get hitch (also thanks to the many people asking me the question I have not the answer)

3- Played pool with dad and kicked his toot at it. It also suprised him, that I have such talent.. well, blame it on him who taught me to hold the sticks up right. But that was touching, the fact that I had some father-daughter bonding with my dad after a century of not. I love my 'ol man to bits.

4- Am now registered as a chemical engineer with the Board of Engineers Malaysia and my boss (and my idola) is my mentor. Three years and I will be on my way to achieve my Ir.-ship (that's if I dont get pregnant after marriage half way and let this fire die)

5- I missed all my blogger-mates while I was gone. God, I'm like so left behind on thy lives huh? But the cc is just too noisy for me to go on reading.

Signing off with a message:
Take care all, i will be back, if not next month, next year... but I will be back. I miss all of you.

Nyaman

2006-02-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

I had some time to think about life (something I've not done in ages) over the weekend. I stayed at home alone while dad and Pres went to do their 'male bonding' thing.

It felt good being alone at home. Played Sims2 all day on Indra. Procrastinated my work. But it felt like heaven.

I figured out something about myself.

I have never been more relaxed, calm, happy, focused in my life, than I am today. Ever.

I have always had some trouble on my mind. It'll be about money. Or some random guy who rejected my feelings. Or some shit, I dont even need to worry about.

But today, I feel... nyaman. That's probably the best word I can come up with.

Maybe it's because I feel complete. And I know 'he' plays a big role in my feeling this way.

Also, in 2 weeks I will get a confirmation on a certain suprise that you all await for. Some of you have heard of it.

Here I am, still waiting for kata putus.

what's more precious than money?

2006-02-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

Besides love, time.

Time. the ticking sounds of seconds passing you by. And before you know it, it's all gone.

How many times have you heard yourself or the person next to you go something like "if only i could turn bck time". Now face it, unless the pigs grow wings to fly, it aint hapenning dude.

My ramblings, well, just to finish my being here (at the office cubicle so early, that the generator for air-conditionings not up yet) at this time of the day.

I'm telling you, these days, I havent got time to think about life like I used to anymore. I used to think a whole lot about my past and how I can make it better by living the day. I even used to have the time to smoke my last stick before calling it a day, while thinking, so what have I done today?

These days, I go to sleep thinking, "fuck i've got 6 more hours to catch on my sleep".

My daily routine goes something like this:

wake up at 5.45am. Mandi. At 6.10am call press to wake him up. Leave the house at 6.30am, pick him up. He drives me to work. By 7.20am I'm at work. Drink coffee. Have mee hun goreng dgn telur goreng and sambal sotong (same thing, I just have to say 'biasa' to the kakak and she knows my menu). Meet my new collegue cum best buddie at work called Nick. Once work start, the time we can chat is:
1 - when he or i happen to have some doubts on work given
2 - smoke break
3 - when the boss is at a meeting (heheheh)

before i know it, it's lunch time. Some days nick and I will go down to cold storage to grab a bite. some days I do my lone-shopping cum cat watching at pets wonderland. Then, it's back to work. Work work work till I go nuts looking at P&IDs, then smoke break again.

Then time to go home, I eat dinner. Play a lil bit of indra. And go to zzzz.

That's me on a random 'working day'. No tv. No exercise (what's that?).

Ironically, I see much more after I tie the knot with pres. I'd like to live 5 mins from work, so time dont go to the bin when i'm stuck in the jam. Instead I can use that 2 hours at the gym. I wanna be able to cook for him. Food can be kinky. Yes, like strawberry and cream. Not cooking exactly but still.

I aint complaining. I'm happy working here. I feel like a million dollars when I think " man, i've bagged my dream job"...

all i need is time. just a lil more time to zzzz

This one's for u aboo

2006-01-22T15:05:00.000+08:00

She's worked her ass off before the exams. CLP it was called. Rumours were the chances of passing were really close to nil. All she hoped for was a 'pass'.

I remembered how every time when I called her to ask her wassup?! She'd say something like this "in the library, studyin". But still, the chatting went on...

In all that heck of months of placement and studying, something well came her way. After all that "great wall of china" was waiting to be invaded by "him who was worthy" of it. Chewah, macam cerita Sleeping Beauty plak.

How she sacrificed time and energy for that CLP exam, only she knows. The tears shed. The monthly blood drips she went tru (patiently, mind you). And yesterday it paid off.

When the results came out, she found out she out of 3 got a second class upper for it, in the whole of Malaysia this year.

And yesterday, Berita Harian (page six) proved to every reader (or not, like myself) that it was worth the pain. Like Sherrie my other best bud used to say "No pain, no Gain" babe. She should know, she's married (if u know what I mean!!).

Aboo grabed the "super rookie" title. Having her picture taken with Raja Muda Nazrin, receiving her award of being the best student for CLP this year. And along with that Aboo received cash money of RM5000 too. Nu, she should treat us all for being her pillow when she needed us kan?

According to the statistics in the paper yesterday:
800 took the CLP exams last year. Only over 300 people passed the exam.

And our dear lil chirphy friend, Ms Aboo grabbed super rookie title!! Numero UNO babe! Girl u rock! Now that I have the best lawyer on my back, you guys better not mess with me, or..

YOU SEE ME IN COURT!

P/S: For those who want to view the paper cutting, you may visit me at.. oh heck, u know where to find me!

Happy New Year ya'll

2006-01-04T05:30:00.000+08:00

Dear God,

Forgive me for I have sinned. Sempena this new year, I have been notty. I have allowed my loved one to shower me with expensive toys. On the 1st of January, instead of praying for a fruitful year ahead, I have committed the inevitable. For I wont and cant contain the lust for my hearts desire.

I am now having lack of sleep and the urge to release myself. Even at work I think about being my dark self (the other person I am). By day I am a decent process engineer. By dark.. I shan't say no more...

Indra, may our secrets remain between the 2 of us. I long for your dark, black features. Your sexy curves on your control and the buttons. Black serves you best baby. Indra you will be my love and secret playmate by nite. For I swear I will at least spend an hour on you every nite. Cherishing you forever more.

Indra, I havent touched you for only 12hours from last nite, and already I miss your deadly seduction.

P/S: Meet Indra, my sexy PS2 i got on the 1st Jan 06. Happy New Year ya'll!!! Anyone in dying Need For Speed?

Al-Fatihah

2005-12-25T06:41:00.000+08:00

Sherrie's dad passed away yesterday @ 12.50 noon.

My deepest condolences to my keluarga angkat, ie. umi, Sherrie and Amir and siblings.

For the muslims, mari kita sama-sama menyedekahkan Al-Fatihah, semoga roh uncle Tahir dicucuri rahmat. Amin.

A breath of fresh air

2005-12-12T05:40:00.000+08:00

I have been gone for man, ages! And I miss my blog. So does my ardent fans like Aboo and Sherrie.

I havent got the chance to open the internet explorer. I manage to do it via Pres' PDA but it's a small gadget, susahlar..

So what's been happening to me:

1- I went to my first medical check up. And sial, I could pee in my pants. Which helped because they needed my pee sample. This isnt actually the first time I gave away my pee. The first was when I was at school, apparently I looked so much like a budak jahat that they thought I was a druggie. Like that's not enough, they took 4 ml of my blood. I thought I was gonna die on that bed cum stretcher cum death bed. On that bed, I was fondled. Kononnyer checking for breast cancer. My goodness, stay away from on medical check up! It was lady doctor, so it wasnt so bad. But she asked me question you dont really want to answer like do you smoke, how many sticks a day, do u drink, are you a sexually active person. Bloody hell, even mak aku pun tak tanyer aku soalan cam tuh!

2- I went tru such nitemare with the doctors to attend B.O.S.E.T. which stands for Basic Offshore Safety & Emergency Training. It will start this coming Tuesday. It's a bloody three day course and it's worst than Outward Bound School. I will have to jump from a god 2 storeys building into a fuckin pool. Okay, you are asking a person who's bloody scared of heights, hence it's not gonna be easy. I remember the last time I did something of this sort was at OBS' rope course. Hopefully I pass and will live to see Friday with a Offshore Safety passport in my hand.

3- How's the new working environment. Cozy really. I feel so much like a professional. Personally, I have never felt prouder in my life. But there's the cons to it, like any other pros. No internet surfing and game playing. It's hard to make friends here. I have a few, but I think that'll be enough kot. Easy picture, for Nu and Aboo, this place is filled with kuchengs. Infested with it. I think you go figure.

4- I have been bowling like mad. That's because Pres' is appointed team captain for his team for the inter-Petra tournament. And the competition was held yesterday, of which his team came second out of the 12 teams that competed. Wow! It was fun, really.

5- Narnia. Watched it yesterday. Giler best. I hated lord of the rings. It was simple. LOTR had only 2 colours. Brown or black or a family of it. And what kinda movie have scenes of war in it for like... the whole movie?!!! But Narnia, it was funny. The two beavers were cute. And I think I have a crush on Aslan, the lion. Giler sexy sial... I'm thinking of buying the whole chronicles to it.

Pretty much done my bit of updating now. I'm gonna head for home now, have some brunch.

Yaztech away!

2005-12-01T09:30:00.000+08:00

I have this mixed feelings of sadness and happiness. I left for work today thinking... wow, it's my last day.

Man, to tell you the truth, I dont think I want to. People here are just so nice, it is almost impossible to get this sort of "looking out for each other" scenario anywhere else. Trust me, I have worked in another company before. And boy, I was so glad to leave, having to stay another just brings me so much pain.

They had a small farewell party for me. I'm actually overwhelmed by everyone. Now my table's all empty. I wont have this special cubicle where I can do anything I want, like write this blog.

I bid everyone here goodbye. Stone, I just know how you felt when it was your last day here... well, I pray for the best of Yaztech and I pray that I will at least have half the fun working at my future organization.

I'm aware that challenges awaits wherever you work, so I'm just gonna give my best shot. Pray for me guys. And till you hear from me again...

on a "i need to" basis

2005-11-30T04:11:00.000+08:00

1 - Transfer my ~~hundreds of uploaded~~ pictures from my computer onto CD(s), which reminds me, I have to go down to the stationary shop and get some CDs, sheesh!
2 - Make sure I leave no trace of my undercover as Agent 008 (by the way, I love the number 8 apart from the number 3 - not like it matters, but nvm) on my computer or the Yahoo! or any of the similar virtual sort.
3 - Walk to KLCC (again) and get Press a nice card saying "Happy Anniversary" because dudes, it's gonna be exactly 2 years since I met Sailorboy, this falls precisely on the 2nd of Dec this year.
4 - Maybe I could also use the toilet.
5 - Transfer important mails onto the Sharedfolder of my office network.
6 - Get out of this so comfy-comfy chair and start No. 1 (then again, I should start with no. 4 kot)

false alarm

2005-11-29T07:18:00.000+08:00

Last Friday our office received a notice saying that there wont be any electricity from 10am to 1pm on Monday (today!). I pushed my luck, called my boss up, asking him if we needed to come in the morn or after 1pm. As usual, as expected he said No! but that's okay, because he said we can go wherever until the lights came back.

And so I walked to KLCC. Baru pukul 11.30, dah boss call, asking to come back to office, apparently it was nothing. No electricity shut down. No trees cutting. No nothing. But I've already set my date with Sherrie. And since it's my last half of the week, I decided to just continue my session of lepaking.

It was good. I managed to:

1 - Scout for literature, bunch of teenage pyscho books on the shelf. I manage to read half Roald Dahl's A Taste of The Unexpected.

2 - Find out if Zadie Smith's White Teeth suited my literature type and unfortunately it didnt.

3 - Manage to do my upcoming Monthly Expendature sheet, now that I'll be working with RNZ and good news is, I am happy with their "the more you work, the more we'd pay you" policy. I decided that on a busy month, I will be earning more that a thousand bucks on just OVERTIME. Oh joy! So, now I can put aside this on my expendature sheet:

a) Mom's share
b) Heavier credit card payment
c) most importantly - savings on ASB (this will be for the wedding and my masters)

4 - Have a nice cup of Iced Chocolate and a fag or two at Starbucks while at it.

5 - Meet Sherrie and Ammar for lunch at A&W. I also decided that I learnt a whole lot on married life and ~~having~~ preparing to have a baby on this meet up as Ammar and his wife will be having one soon. Congratulations to them!

6 - That I am a happy person enjoying life, being blessed with everything a person could ask for (referring to the estimated expendature) in life. However, I have a feeling my social life will be at stake after this, once Thursday start, aper lagi blog ni?

7 - On my way back from KLCC, I decided to write about this whole "how I'm feeling today" scenario and hope that you reading it will understand how I feel...

8 - After all that, sitting here, a 'lil voice in my heart told me "kan bagus kalau slalu ader bende false alarm nih... ehehehe"

random thoughts on a friday like this

2005-11-26T09:24:00.000+08:00

Emails. People dont really use them anymore, I guess, with the existance of blogging and friendster and the countless messangers we dont need them huh? However on the office mail, I had one serious one, along with a bunch of junkies. Some guy asked me for MSDS, which I already submitted to him, nevertheless, I gave him one.

I had some serious thought about guys in turban on motorbikes. How come they dont need to wear a helmet? I havent checked if the turban is made of steel or fibre-glass material to actually permit them to ride without one. Also, I have been in Phuket. In Thailand, the rule allows the pillion rider not to have one. This issue somehow concerns me, and I dont really know why. It must be the reason I do nothing at work, but play games on Yahoo!

The six year old Adi Putra. Bloody hell, I went to school for 11 years to get to university, and still, I'm having trouble with maths. God is sometimes, I would say unfair. This boy is 6 and he's doing university maths with no problem at all. I have to admit, I feel challenged by a 6 year old.

Two bloody fashion show in a week, both at almost the same venue. KLCC and Avenue K are interconnected. I'm not gay but the models sure got my eyes on them. There was one, I saw her practicing a few days before. She wasnt pretty or anything, seriously, but it was her aura. Probably how she was walking on the fashion runaway. It was as if the runaway was made of nothing but air. I wouldnt say she looked like an angel, but she sure was burning hot as hell.

Harry Potter. I watched it last week. I was pretty disappointed. But like Paulo Coelho said in the Zahir, the movie that goes on in the head when one's reading can never compare to any movie on the screen. Maybe because I have such an intense imagination, kot.

I met my friend from high school, just not any friend, one of best friends. It was a great meet up, I actually went to bed smiling that night. But it's weird, because ever since, neither of us said anything via sms or mail or just a simple click to call. I'm actually waiting for her, my side of the story, because I made the first move then.

I'm feeling bored. I constantly need spicing up in my life to feel happy and complete. It makes me wonder, is that an illness? Maybe I need attention. I have no problem admitting that I am indeed, like everyone of you (accept that you cant admit it) that I am an attention seeker. I need fire. I need cold. I need just something, to cut this boredom, or else I fear I might die an uncomplished person.

Adrian Mole. From Leceistershire. I have been spying on him. At the moment he's 35, very broke, not at all married, but seeing his girlfriend sister, sleeping with both of them. He has 2 sons, on of which is in the war in Iraq. He also made a bet at Labrokes or it's competitor that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Ha-ha! Knowing the future from where he is standing, I'm laughing. There goes all his money. Go read it. It's like a chiq flick, only this time, it's about a guy rather than the usual girl story. Funny how screwed up his life can be. Mine's not so bad after all.

WIth that, I'll end my rants with a happy thought... what a Friday. My last Friday of being able to go back at 6 on.the.dot. The last one where I am able to wear my cargo and trainers to work. The last before I start with the serious bit in life.

Dont you just love Friday? I love Fridays.

Endure it. Saviour it. Like an ice-cream... slurpppp

Strolling down Memory Lane

2005-11-23T06:04:00.000+08:00

I found sanctuary.
To the soul, to the mind. My home.

This is a story about 7, Totnes Grove of Dartmouth Road. Where it all began. Where it all started. So much happened here, at not just my shack. Our Shack. So much for it being just a shack, it holds a million memories.

The memory lane

7 is the number

The neighbourhood

The kitchen leading to the lavatory

The same ol' green stove still lives

Mr Flood, the landlord changed the sofa but our Egyptian parchment still hangs on the wall

Darren's tv still plays beralaskan kain tudung sherrie

This is where Sherrie and I first build our friendship. Where we shared secrets. Where we shared a home together. When we were bored, whilst having "our 5 minutes moment", we'd gaze at the stars, knowing that family may be miles away, but we all share the same stars.

Then, this is where mutual enemies, Sherrie and Mahsuri became friends. And how 7 Totnes Grove became santuary to all with personal problems. It was as if here, people came to find peace, amongst them were Sharon, Darren and Dana. Sherrie and I gave them all "illegal immigrants" status.

Funny now that I think about it. But it's just special. My sister Tasha is now staying at 7 Totnes Grove, while studying at Birm Uni. I trust that she has taken good care of the home while we are back here. It's just breath-taking to be able to go back and still, have that feeling "Feels just like home..."

Mr Flood did a lot of modifications. Like he changed the carpets, the ceiling and lightings. But all memories remain. As our friendship will.

P/S: Dude, you remember how it was?

the coffee date

2005-11-18T04:52:00.000+08:00

About 15 minutes ago, I called Sherrie:

Sherrie : Lllo (really low pitched, indicating - NOT A VERY GOOD DAY AT WORK)

Wabbafesh : Hi.. why? Tadi you miss call..

Sherrie : I did not miss call, you did not pick up the phone

Wabbafesh : Okay.. so why you called?

Sherrie : Erm.. ntah...

Wabbafesh : Ko nak tanya something kot...

Sherrie : Oh yes.. (private conversation)

Sherrie : and I will not see you tomorrow

Wabbafesh : Naper?

Sherrie : Aku kene gi Pahang. Husband aku kene jadi pengapit. Until Sunday, and he cant send me to the airport

Wabbafesh : Aku leh hantar but aku ader date at 3, kul bape flight ko?

Sherrie : Flight aku on Sunday, at 2, aku ingatkan nak suh bapak aku hantar aku

Wabbafesh : Then I see you on Sunday, in the morning, we have breakfast ke?

Sherrie : Okay!

Wabbafesh : So esoknyer coffee date tak jadiklar?

Sherrie : Kejap jerlar

Wabbafesh : OKAY! Yeay!

I just had a quick coffee date with Sherrie yesterday. Already I miss her. I refuse to let go of our coffee date tradition on Friday, knowing that it will be none next Friday (because she will be in Bintulu for a week and also because when I start my new job, I dont know if there will be any coffee date for us).

I have learn to accept that:

No, I'm not addicted to Starbucks.
No, I'm not addicted to coffee.
As much as I am addicted to Sherrie's company.

Sherrie and hubby on my engagement day

- Sherrie & Nadz : partners in crime -
(year '02)

The thing I missed most about my kampong

2005-11-15T09:36:00.000+08:00

is just the way they can make everything sooo..... "WICKED!!"

This is a poster hung at the alleyway connecting Bullring and Pallasades

at nu's

2005-11-15T09:30:00.000+08:00

It's about time I wrote and posted pics on UK... it is just soo time consuming, which is the reason for the delay. Anyway, nu, Happy Birthday girl!!

Just outside nu's apartment, which is one hellavu cool one, the next pic will prove that.

I've been to some of my friends' houses, and nu, you win the award of having the best place. Girl, you got class!

Refering to nu's post, Come see, come see! All I can say is... seen I have, and impressed I am... the nu's version of 'lemonade sauce', and check out her tools on the upper left corner. I love your place... maybe I should have taken just the one way on my 'ticket'.

I think you are good with your hands and extra time... all that art thingy, and photo shots. Good luck with your work, my child... :)

I resign

2005-11-11T07:50:00.000+08:00

And so it is done and over with.

Before leaving for home yesterday, I went up to my boss and dropped it on him.

He smiled, wished the best to me. He was happy that I got myself that job with the message "When you open your own consultation comp, gimme cheap cheap ahr?"

Insya Allah if everything goes well.

I did tell him I loved Yaztech, it's just that I need to this for my career progression.

Thank God he understood.

Well, it was great working with you En Ameer. Stoner and I decided on this, THAT HE IS IN FACT THE BEST BOSS ANYONE COULD HAVE.

With that, may you prosper Yaztech!

My boss did not come to work today, I feel bad... hope the Hard Rock tee I got him will ease the pain.

Am Back

2005-11-09T13:00:00.000+08:00

From outterspace.

Writtings will continue tomorrow.

In my lil space called The Cubicle.

Pay attention though, the last "frequent" posting will end on the 30th of Nov.

Because...

I got my DREAM JOB!!

Yes, they called even before I landed my ass in Malaysia. And they were willing to pay my current company to have me started immediately.

But I'm just gonna stay in till the end of the month to sort things out and help the boss out.

But hell yes, I made it.

Eight Hours Lag

2005-11-03T04:55:00.000+08:00

Being here, back from where it all started (if you knew me, you would know what I meant), and now going back is well, I dont really know how to explain it. Mixed feelings.

But we have been to Manchester, Liverpool, London and today Birmingham. I miss my kampong. It's my luck I get to balik kampong for Eid this year. I love Birmingham. It is the UK version of Pudu Raya, but hell, so be it, it's my second home. It's become better since I left my hometown.

Pres loves Manchester though. We have been to Old Trafford. Not that any of us is a fan of ManU. But well, it's more of a "been there, done that" case scenario.

But man, loving it! Loving it!!

So glad to have met you Nu. Gosh, will that CD play? The one I gave my sister is working. Well, it's quite a pity, excellent tracks from Peterpan you have there, you know.

Limited time here. Oh, tomorrow is Raya (even kat sini).

So, Selamat Hari Raya guys!!

And another special tribute: Happy Birthday WaBBaf3$h! May you stay sixteen at heart for all time!!!

Life is short, live it like you'll never see tomorrow!

P/S: I watched SAWII semalam, gosh, will you appreciate life like you will never see another second of it. Great watch, especially for the sadist type. But those having heart complications, I seriously think you shouldnt go for it.

T-junction

2005-10-27T08:32:00.000+08:00

Can you believe it? My luck, man.... surwira, like I said, it's happening for me, I hit bulls-eye on my targets, I dont know which to choose.

Now, that it has happened for me (thank you God), I'm gonna spell it out. I want my dreams.

I wanna catch it. At least come near it.

I want so much to have the Ir. prefix in front of my name, someday be a professional consultant, with God's willing. The only way to it (the way I see it) is to apply for design companies (there is about 10 in the whole of Malaysia) and work as a Process Engineer, at the same time get registered with Board of Engineers Malaysia (BEM).

I went to an interview with one of this public listed company with good reputation. Me, puny lil me, with not so much of results or experience attended it, and well, it looked promissing. Hence, I crossed my finger on it.

Then, I sorta lost hope, because I havent heard from them in this 2 weeks. Yesterday, I got a call from another design company asking me for an interview today. And I went.

I sorta have a hitch, "I nailed it". I dont know. It is just a hitch. Well, the Ir. Zakaria (not real name) told me that I will have to work on both Saturday and Sunday. And have to stay at work meeting datelines, he doesnt care how or when but when he wants the design, it has to be ready! Sounds like a military camp, I know, but you know what? I AM UP FOR IT!

Well, here's the time to choose, because 2 hours after that interview with Ir. Zakaria, I got the call from the public listed company offering me the design job I want...

I decided that, I will go to the UK, take a 10 days holiday, clear my mind, and hopefully have the decision of career choice. By the way, the public listed company offered me a higher pay than the other one.

The BEST birthday present EVA!!

2005-10-27T01:44:00.000+08:00

Well, there is NO turning back now!

Selamat Hari Raya ya'll!! This site might not be updated as often as it did. Whatever it is, you will hear from me by Tuesday, the 8th of November 2005.

Remix me

2005-10-26T06:21:00.000+08:00

Okay. I'm tired. But excited. Bored at work. Lack of sleep. Loads and loads of excitement.

Things been running so well the whole week. I'm starting to get a lil scared. It is oh so unusual, in my case.

But yes, accept the invitation.

And, of course, enjoy the ride.

Even if I dont get there, I might have learnt a thing or two from it.

Isnt he a darling or wert?

2005-10-25T02:45:00.000+08:00

Driving home, last Friday, conversation went something like this:

Wabbafesh : Weih guess wert? Boss bagi cuti 11 hari. Baiknyer... kan?
Pres : That's great, I dapat cuti pun brapa ari jer
Wabbafesh : I was telling En Bakhtiar (financial manager) that kalau nak pi cuti panjang lelama, this is the time lar, kan?
Pres : I told you last time, if u wanted to go to the UK and spend your birthday and raya there, but u nak pergi masa bulan July.
Wabbafesh : Maner ader duit 'yang... kalau pi Julai senang sket, bley shopping banyak!
Pres : Squeeze lar, I ader some kalau nak, tapi kene tgk budget la (sambil membuker o2 PDA, checking his budget, whilst driving)
Wabbafesh : (setan tgh conquer my mind.. go Nadz, go...) Kan senang, if we go now, then after that can save for kawen oredi, kan?
Pres : I pun no need to ask for one week cuti annual leave.
Wabbafesh : OMG, and tasha will be so happy, sian dier, dah dua tahun celebrate raya on her own there kan?
Pres : Jomlar, if you want to go, tell me cepat, I ask Jane (travel agent) for tickets.
Wabbafesh : Gasp! You are kidding rite?
Pres : No, I'm serious.
Wabbafesh : Serious sayang!! OMG!! I love you (planting a kiss on Pres' cheeks). OMG!! UK!! Here I come!! Woohoo... tapi tanyer mom and dad dulu ek? Your parents how?
Pres : No problem, I have spent raya at Indonesia, Japan, S'pore. No hal lar my parents. They will be fine with it.
Wabbafesh : OMG, baby I love you!! (kiss kiss again)

P/S: God I love him, sigh...

Pour it OUT LOUD!

2005-10-24T02:36:00.000+08:00

Dear Tasha,
Hi love.. this year will be special. For you and me and Sufyan and Pres. For Pres have decided to gimme an early birthday present. He said, we will be delivering all the barang2 dapur and raya package to your doorstep. Yes, I know you already know it by now, but heck.. We'll be seeing you and celebrating RAYA cum MY BIRTHDAY with you!! I'm so excited tash, god, I cant wait. These days I havent been sleeping well, thinking about UK. We'll be on the 10am flight frm Msia, and will be reaching Manchester at 4.30pm on Friday, 28th of Oct. I will see you on Saturday, as I am spending a nite at Manchester. Joy oh JOY!! Syoknnnyeerr raya...

Dear Nu,
My long lost roomie, Here I come to save the day.... sayang, I'm sorry to inform you that I will not be able to courier the book I bought for you already, it has been sitting in my office drawer for the longest time. The thing is, to send by courier is real expensive and now that you have moved houses, I havent got you new add. Therefore, I have decided to HAND DELIVER it to you somewhere in 2 weeks to come. I will see you in Liverpool and we can have fun dude!! But Pres will join us, takper kan?? We go nuts nanti okay?

Dear Aboo,
I really nak put you in my lugage and all, like you suggested, akan tetapi, now because of the bird's flu, you might get detected, because there will be dogs sniffing the bags for some reason at the airport. Memang niat aku nak smuggle hang, tapi.. tular...

Dear Sherrie Berry,
I will be an angel and complete thy wish list whilst I'm doing my own wish list completion. Oh how fun it is to be able to live at 7 Totnes Grove, Dartmouth Road, and have pres to walk along that dark alley and scare him like I did. I'll be finding for Donna frm Pronto. And what's the annoying guy who said "oh here comes Trouble and sidekick"? God, I miss it all I cant sleep thinking about it. I dont think I'd be getting any sleep on Thursday. And apparently, the logo of uni dah tukar, and they call our university of birmingham UOB. Sounds like OCBC the bank. But whatever... on my visit, I will also see Hezlin with her ... ehehhehe, so fun!! And I'll try call Abg isy, that long lost brother of ours. And get you loads and loads of easter eggs, if I get to find some.

Pres dearest,
Baby you have been sweet, so sweet my tooth is starting to hurt. My dream's are all coming true! Thank you sayang, for such present. Never have I thought. You are one crazy bloke, but I'm crazy in LOVE!!!

Sudden expansion of news

2005-10-20T06:21:00.000+08:00

One
So what's up with Malaysia's political leaders, throwing blames at each other. I was actually laughing at the opposition making fools of themselves on tv last nite. How they were going on and on about the broken Parliament toilet, I didnt know that people can actually have so many observations, arguing about the broken toilets as if it were the public's concern.

For once, I agree with Samyvellu's cinical response to that. It was altogether amusing, and amazing (by the fact people can dwell on the TOILET subject THAT long of a time). If that's what politicians do all day, point guns at each other, well, I think I might wanna be one... then again, nah.. I dont want my children being laughed at for throwing such a tantrum on national tv.

Two
For the past 2 weekends (of the 2 weeks) Pres and I have been watching loads and loads of DVDs, we finally became, not just that we didnt see the point of going out, I cant have my usual coffee-ing session, and that, I find very much essential on all social occasion or meet up with friends. Movies I have watched, let's see, Godfather I (finally, still have got 2 more to go), House of Wax, I Am Sam, 21 Grams, Seven, Crash (very very racist to the point I went sick), Transporter 2, Sky High, Wedding Crasher, The Interpreter. Okay, I admit, I have a thing for Sean Penn, I started my so-called relationship with him after Mystic River.

And I realised, that it wasnt so bad, having to do nothing but watch DVDs after DVDs and then go out to buy food for buka puasa. It is a good way of relaxing, charge up for the up-coming week! Bring it on!

Now, now, the ones I would recommend are:
1- Seven, if you havent watch it (like me)
2- Mystic River, now that's a twisted one
3- Transporter 2 - a lot of action, entertaining, a macho cold dude with no sensual feeling (sad to say, but I find that SUCH A BIG TURN ON, yumyum). And did I mention that I find this movie a lot like matrix only with more sense?
4- Sky High, fun movie, easy going, if you liked the Incredibles, you'd most probably fall for the Strongholds
5- Wedding Crasher - more like american pie cum cruel intention in the beginning, but you never know huh? These guys can go all mushy after all.

Three
Books... been not reading them... I feel so much like a sinner. Gosh. I have been playing games though, loads of them.

Four
My lil kitties will be a month tomorrow, now since it's their One Month's birthday tomorrow, I might as well post pictures, before they grow up and be one of them grey or black Garfields.

Aww... how adorable, so here goes:

Mama milking

Maddox, 4 days old and his eyes are just starting to open

Muffin, 4 days old, the size of my palm

Lil kitties doin their version of kamasutra

Maddox and muffin, cheeky lil ones

Teddy girl, taken last nite, what a doll!!

Five
My office mate, Sharifah Rafidah gave birth to a baby girl.. and I will be visiting her along with Yaztech's baby shower present! And her lil one is called Qaisara Aqilla... :)

Six
I have decided that I lurve... Nasik Dagang. With lauk ikang tongkol. Oh, yummies... I go nuts for it. And that will be my break-fast meal, at Nasik Dagang Ulik Mayang, on the way to Gombak. Oh, talk about love at first indulgence, that was the case.

Seven
Abang Hasnor, Aboo's boyfriend became a dengue victim when he was diagnosed with it last Friday. However, due to his personnel nurse (I wont have to tell who, u might have guessed it by now), he's all well and kicking. I think he is still admitted at Ampang Putri, but yes.. keep feeding him with the buah kurma aboo, he'll be healthy and **cking in no time (what's the star for? U tell me)

Eight
Slamat Berbuka Puasa, Slamat Hari Jadi to some of my friends, I know somehow, October/November seems to be the month where babies are born, which concludes that people or married couples like having sex without precautions (or plan for a baby) in February! Anyhow, Pres' b'day will be here soon, hence my planning on a big suprise.

Ciao dudes, this must be a stress indicator, me having to write so much.

Hope, dangles on a string

2005-10-18T02:35:00.000+08:00

Crossing my fingers, waiting in anticipation.

Everything is business, nothing is personal.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The unfortunate events II

2005-10-14T02:25:00.000+08:00

I am starting to think that success comes with a whole lot of effort and probably a hint of luck. My life has probably took its turn and dawn it's lights on me. Whatever my blessings are, I would like to thank God.

I have been complaining about my so-called misfortunes.. unable to have a promising career, always run out of money, how come I studied so hard all this years just to fit where I am at present, somehow God just makes me miss the my opportunities by an inch, always.. somehow I felt that God put so much effort, just so that everything in my life seem so unfair.

Then again, whose is?

About a month ago, I almost died at San Fransisco Steakhouse, KLCC when I choke on a sharp angled nachos. For five minutes, I suffered feeling every muscle of my esofagus being scratch and cut by that moving nacho. Dont laugh, it wasnt funny. Now, I think of it, it probably was.

And yesterday somewhere near my office building, I almost got hit by a car. I could have been hurt, broke a leg or something and at this very moment I'll be lying on my back with one leg elevated, suspended by a springy string.

But nope, I survived it without a scratch. I missed the car by a mili-second.

And today, at this moment, I understand the meaning of Qada' & Qadar. It's just an arabic term which gives means "every cloud has it's silver lining".

I'm hoping, hoping on something that if happens, will make a big difference in me and my life and my social life as well.

Like Sherrie said once "you win some, you lose some".

P/S: Sherrie kasik pinjam Coulson & Richardson Vol. 6 hang kat aku, weih?

And so I fast

2005-10-07T05:21:00.000+08:00

This is the time of the year again. So what's all that complaining about?

It's just bloody cutting off the supply of food and water and other penetrable objects into any opening on the body (that's if u have the license to, if you know what I mean?)? And this is only for a few hours. I get annoyed at those who are unable to just take up this challenge. Unless of course, it is for the health cause.

I have my other reasons of fasting, besides it being God's request:

1 - To loose some wait during the day and gain some at nite
2 - To drink more water, somehow this having not to drink in the day forces me to drink more than usual (at nite when I can)
3 - My only chance to quit SMOKING, oh yessh.. what e golden opportunity
4 - Go for all that Buka Puasa Buffet, biler lagi nak ketuk laki?
5 - Dapat balik office pukul 5 and not 6pm
6 - Buka puasa with friends or at relatives

Been doing this fasting for ages now. And it is doing me good, except that I feel sleepy a lil bit this year.

Well, for all that is performing the ibadah puasa, Selamat Berpuasa to all of you!!

They know me...

2005-10-01T03:34:00.000+08:00

Funny how 3 simple questions can turn out to be, RIGHT. I'm thinking... are they stalking on me or something? Geezz... by the way, I got this from StoneBoy:

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

C'mon now, try it for yourself. Interesting stuff.

P/S: I want to post my latest kitties pictures. Mama @ Missy gave birth to 3 beautiful kitties on the 20th of Sept. But I was busy. I will find time... once all this tenders are over with!

runaway... jury? bride?

2005-09-27T01:53:00.000+08:00

When I'm in trouble, I run.
When I feel insecured, I leave.
When I fear something, I avoid.

When I want to play it clean, I get spatters.
When I want to be out of the mess, I'm somehow involved.
When I want to be neutral, I become the cause.

Thing is, I dont want to get involved, but I'm the lil kijang stuck in the middle. Now you tell me, is really my fault that:
I run?
I leave?
I avoid?